Tired of Holiday Arguments? Try Active Listening

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The holiday season is upon us and while many anticipate exciting and uplifting times ahead, some are steeling themselves for a period of sadness, and still others, for a mixed bag of encounters. The holidays bring the opportunity to contribute to our treasure trove of cherished memories, or deepen our sorrow and loneliness. Come what may, these situations are important for us to deal with. They add to the richness of being human and represent segments of the full spectrum of life’s experiences.

Further, this time of year may find us in the company of relatives and friends who – for whatever reason – we see infrequently. Hopefully, we’ll visit people with whom we are simpatico and have a chance to catch up on the newsy bits we’ve missed since we last met. Conversely, being with folks we might tend to avoid can put us in potentially sticky situations such as being confronted by someone on a topic we’d rather not discuss. In those situations, the risks of hard or hurt feelings and even arguments may ensue.

This year, instead of steering clear of someone you’ve tended to avoid, consider challenging yourself by taking a few minutes to sit with them. After all, at holiday festivities we have the chance to express gratitude, forgiveness, and acceptance of others, as well as ourselves. Maybe it’s time to start life anew with appreciation replacing misunderstandings and uncomfortable feelings. How, you ask? Start by being an all-star listener.

The origins of active listening

In 1957, American psychologists Carl Rogers and Richard Farson developed a new technique and presented it in a paper titled “Active Listening.” (Rogers was a founder of humanistic psychology and was perhaps most noted for his person-centered psychotherapy techniques and concepts that have, over time, been integrated into many types of therapeutic practices.) In their paper, Rogers and Farson wrote:

"Despite the popular notion that listening is a passive approach, clinical and research evidence clearly shows that sensitive listening is a most effective agent for individual personality change and group development. Listening brings about changes in peoples' attitudes toward themselves and others; it also brings about changes in their basic values and personal philosophy. People who have been listened to in this new and special way become more emotionally mature, more open to their experiences, less defensive, more democratic, and less authoritarian.”

How it works

In a nutshell, active listening is listening fully and with intent. It works best when you sincerely want to hear what the other person is thinking and feeling. And, taking a cue from the words “active listening,” it involves more listening than talking.

If you’d like to practice active listening informally during the holidays, you don’t have to tell anyone. Just try these four things when you’re in a conversation with someone and you’d genuinely like to better understand their point of view:

• Focus on what’s being said. Really listen to what the person is saying. Use eye contact and pay attention to body language and emotion.
• Repeat back. Repeat to the person, in your own words, what you just heard. This might seem weird at first, but you’ll get the hang of it. If they say you got it wrong, ask them to try again using different words. If necessary, repeat this step until you understand what they are saying.
• Include emotions and feelings (if appropriate). If the person is conveying strong emotion, then acknowledge it; “I understand you are angry/confused/hurt about ________” (whatever happened). By doing so you’ll let them know you realize how they feel about what they are saying to you. Be empathetic and non-judgmental, never be condescending.
• Your turn. Through active listening, you’ll have a deeper understanding of where the other person is coming from and very likely a better view of their situation or problem, if there is one. This knowledge may open the door to better communication and in turn, to creating a better relationship between you two. When it’s your turn to speak, stay open-minded and use your discernment as to how you’ll respond. If applicable, work toward possible solutions.

Active listening with children

This technique is also an excellent way to improve your communication – and relationship – with the child(ren) in your life. It lets the child know you are interested in what they have to say. Here are ways to use active listening with a child (but these work with people of all ages):

• Give your full attention to the child.
• Stop whatever else you are doing and make eye contact.
• Get down on your child’s level so they aren’t looking up at you.
• During the holidays when we’re extra busy – or any time, really – we might ignore or put our child’s problems on the back burner. But if we want our children to come to us with their problems and share their aspirations when they are older, it’s important they know we’ll listen to them now.

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More active listening tips

Reflecting back a person’s emotions – especially a child’s – can give a word to the emotion and help the person realize it’s okay to give voice to what they’re feeling. Here are some ways to reflect emotions which may come in handy with adults as well:

• Guess, even if you are unsure. When you’re unsure what your child is feeling, by addressing it, you’ll let them know you are paying attention to them. For instance, you may not know if they are crying because they are sad, or angry or scared. In this instance, you might say, “I can see you’re upset, let’s talk about it.” By talking it through, you and your child can work together to figure it out.
• Sometimes words are unnecessary. A child will know you are paying attention to them if you are physically close – standing, sitting, or holding them, which is an essential form of comfort.
• You don’t always have to agree. When your child isn’t responding or feeling the way you think they should, don’t tell them not to feel what they are feeling. Instead, help them by talking about their feelings.
• Talk about all their feelings. No matter their age, people can feel multiple feelings at the same time. For instance, your child might feel frightened and sad simultaneously. By talking about these different emotions, you can help them sort things out.
• It’s okay to get things wrong. When you incorrectly summarize or label someone’s feelings, don’t worry. People, including children, will usually correct you and then you can try again. It may be useful to expand the conversation by using different or more words, which helps them better describe their feelings.

By taking the time to actively listen to others, we help retrain ourselves to pay better attention to the world around us and in the long run, we’ll be better human beings. So this holiday season, try using active listening in different situations. You might experience a deeper appreciation for, and maybe even feel closer to those you’re listening to.