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Relationships
Too Much Therapy-Speak Can Ruin Your Relationship
The trend of pathologizing our partners has to stop.
Posted July 16, 2024 Reviewed by Abigail Fagan
Key points
- The overuse of clinical terms in everyday relationships doesn't help with common relationship problems.
- To improve a relationship, stop taking offence at small things or labelling partners with clinical terms.
- The basic rule is that you need to give what you want in return. If you want compassion, be compassionate.
Therapy-speak has infiltrated everyday language. The world of relationships is now full of “avoidants” or “narcissists” who “trigger” or “gaslight” you. But how about if your partner is just an imperfect human being who annoys you sometimes, rather than a narcissist with attachment issues who violates your boundaries?
The overuse of clinical terms in everyday relationships doesn't help with the most common relationship problems. The trend of pathologizing our partners has to stop.
Stop Taking Offence at Small Things
The tendency to take offence at minor transgressions has escalated to the point of absurdity. Relationships, by their very nature, are imperfect; not every careless comment is "toxic”.
Relationships thrive on forgiveness and understanding. Overreacting means both partners walking on eggshells. Instead, cultivate a thicker skin and a more generous spirit. Recognize that everyone makes mistakes, including you. If something bugs you, speak up; but try to overlook minor faults and think about biting your tongue sometimes.
Consider taking a step back too: is this something that must be addressed in the moment? Can it wait until the morning? Or after the party? “Don’t sleep on an argument” is terrible advice; often, sleeping on it allows the dust to settle. Not every offhand remark is indicative of a deeper problem, but if you need to talk about it, do so without the lecture or psychobabble.
Stop Taking Yourself So Seriously
In an era that venerates self-care and empowerment, we can forget that we aren’t the centre of the universe. Taking care of yourself is a good idea, but taking yourself too seriously isn’t. You aren’t made of spun glass and you won’t implode if your partner is inconsiderate from time to time.
Instead of taking every misplaced word and action as a personal affront, try to see the lighter side. Laughter can be a way of defusing tension and humility can help you acknowledge that you too have flaws.
Sure, you may have preferences about how affection is expressed, but you likely don't have one “love language” that must always be honoured. Hold those preferences lightly and don't dress them up in pop-psychology. Explaining what works for you is helpful, but don’t coerce or compel your partner.
Stop Calling Your Partner a Narcissist
The term “narcissist” has become a catch-all for anyone who behaves selfishly in a relationship. But narcissistic personality disorder refers to a pattern of grandiosity and superiority, combined with a constant need for admiration and a lack of empathy. Is that really who you are dating?
If not, then perhaps you’re just dating someone who’s sometimes thoughtless. Join the club. In those circumstances, instead of resorting to labels, discuss the behaviours you don’t like. Say why. And say what you’d prefer instead. Then say no more. No character assassinations. No passive-aggressive links to TED talks or strategically placed self-help books for them to discover.
If you keep it brief and factual, you might be surprised by the response you get. Your partner is not a mind reader, so let them know the problem and give them a chance to put it right.
Gaslighting and Boundaries: Useful Concepts or Overused Buzzwords?
Gaslighting refers to a form of psychological manipulation where one person makes another doubt their sanity. That’s very different from arguing about whether you did or didn't mention that your parents were coming over or that it’s your friends' party at the weekend. Not every miscommunication amounts to psychological deception.
Similarly, while boundaries are essential for healthy relationships, so are flexibility and compromise. Constantly setting and policing boundaries can result in you being more focused on point-scoring than on enjoying time together.
Rather than immediately accuse your partner of gaslighting or disrespecting your boundaries, press pause and reassess. Are you genuinely being manipulated, or is this a misunderstanding that can be talked about?
Taking the Rough With the Smooth
Life comes with ups and downs; relationships are no exception. Expecting perpetual bliss sets you up for disappointment. Instead, embrace imperfection because your partner won't always be listening and they won't always understand why something is important to you.
And that’s not the end of the world or a reason to end the relationship. You do not require perfect harmony or a problem-free relationship. Embrace relationship challenges. Fail fast and keep learning about one another.
Just as the muscles and bones in the body need discomfort and stress to be applied to them to grow, the same is true in relationships. You are not fragile. Forgiveness and resilience will get you through relationship challenges. Sometimes you just have to hang in there. If you do, you’ll emerge stronger.
How Good at Relationships Are You?
Good relationships are not built on idealised notions of love; they are forged through everyday acts of kindness, patience and effort. Instead of endlessly evaluating your partner, ask yourself if there’s more you could do. Are you bringing enough to the table? Is there more you can do in the kitchen, the garden, or with the kids?
The basic rule is: you need to give what you want in return. So if you want compassion, be compassionate. If you want cooperation, you have to be cooperative.
If you want your partner to appreciate you, you have to show appreciation to them. And if you think you already do that, check that it’s the type of appreciation they want for the type of things they want to be appreciated for.
Conclusion
Therapy-speak reflects our growing concern with mental health. That’s a good thing. But its overuse in everyday relationships is often counterproductive. It’s time to stop taking offence at small things or labelling our partners with clinical terms. It doesn’t help. By adopting a realistic perspective, focussed on effort, skill, and proficiency, we can build more resilient and more fulfilling relationships.
