Sexual Variety for Polyamorists and Kinksters

The first post in this series on the intersections between polyamorous people and communities with BDSM or kinky people explained the kinds of people who have these relationships, including their personal, social, and community characteristics. Second in the series was a post on kinksters’ and polys’ shared emphasis on negotiation, honesty, and self-knowledge. The third post in the series explored the reasons both communities emphasize consent, why it is especially important in kink communities, and the strategies kink communities use to craft and sustain consent amongst participants in BDSM scenes and lifestyles. This fourth and final post in the series explores one of the main reasons poly and kinky folks put so much effort into establishing consent: the sexy fun they can negotiate with each other.

Non-Sexual Kink

First, however, it is important to note that BDSM is not always or only a sexual interaction. Some people use BDSM as a form of therapy to address past trauma and facilitate emotional healing, or a spiritual exercise or form of worship in which participants can experience an altered state of consciousness and connection with the divine. For others, BDSM can be a form of personal growth, exploration, and transformation, or even a way to organize their lives, structure their time, and direct their energies. People with chronic pain sometimes use BDSM as a form of pain management and a way to transform their relationship with the experience of pain, and some kinksters who struggle with anxiety can use solo or partnered BDSM to self-soothe. Kinksters also might just want to have fun and use BDSM play as just that—play.

With this wide range of non-sexual behaviors associated with kink interactions, BDSM is not simply about sex but much, much more. Mister Chris, a polyamorous dominant sadist in Washington DC, clarified that: “Fundamentally, BDSM is about relationships. The techniques and toys are required methods, but experienced kinksters don’t mistake those props or roles for the actual thing: the connection and bond created with someone for a moment, a season, or a lifetime. Sometimes that happens through sex, but more often through sensual and emotional experiences BDSM offers.”

Image: Silver handcuffs with keys on black background

Source: Espressolia/Pixabay

Some people, however, are interested in the sexual aspect of BDSM but have not had the access, opportunity, and/or chutzpah to check it out. For those considering the practical connection between BDSM, polyamory, and sexuality, it is important to know how to interact in public or group sex settings. Much like with consent, kinksters have evolved their public sex spaces through trial and error to create many well-regulated and fun play spaces—usually called dungeons. Some of the boundaries kinksters have established include encouraging people to negotiate before their scenes, establishing some guidelines and etiquette to follow while at the party, and highlighting the need for aftercare when the scene is finished.

Negotiating Before

Key to adventurous sex is clearly negotiating boundaries before starting the interaction, which kinksters often call a scene. Generally, the folks involved in a scene will identify what they want to happen, what they do not want to happen, and a safeword or gesture (useful when the person on the receiving end is gagged) that will immediately end the scene if something goes wrong. Some people use a color-coding system, with green for scenes that are going well, yellow for moments that are approaching the edge of tolerance, and red to signal an immediate end to the scene.

Jumping right into a scene might sound fun and spontaneous, but is not recommended because things that seem like a great idea to one person might be horrible to another. Clear communication before the action starts is crucial because once the endorphins flood players’ bloodstreams, people can sometimes agree to things they don’t really want to do.

Play Party Etiquette

There are some common rules that structure many play parties and public play spaces. These below are specific to BDSM spaces but frequently act as a model for other sex parties and spaces. This is not an exhaustive list, and each dungeon has the potential to have its own rules. However, these are some common rules most kinksters use when playing.

• No touching without permission—You cannot touch other people or their things without their explicit and ongoing agreement, and no one should touch you without your clear verbal consent. This also means that you are not required to play when you attend a play party. Your presence is not consent to anything, you can say no (or yes if you wish).
• Be aware of others’ power dynamics—You might need to ask someone else for permission before speaking or playing with a submissive or partner.
• If the scene is happening in a public space, then it is ok to watch, but do so quietly and from a respectful distance. If you want to talk, go to the snack area or outside the dungeon space completely. Never interrupt a scene to ask questions or give advice.
• Do not interfere with others’ scenes—no joining in, no touching, and no stopping the action. If you are concerned that something happening is not consensual, discuss it with the dungeon monitor (an experienced person designated to keep the play space safe for everyone) and they should address it. Even standing too close to a scene can interfere if you are in the wind-up zone for whips or splash zone for fluids.
• Play sober—Most play spaces discourage or prohibit the use of alcohol and BDSM activities. It is impossible to offer consent in an altered state, and judgment decreases as blood alcohol levels increase.
• Do your homework—Attend orientations, classes, read books, and build a basic vocabulary. Don’t expect others in the dungeon to teach you the basics or set boundaries for you.

Some spaces will also regulate the degree of sexual contact, with some dungeons prohibiting genital stimulation and/or penetration while others place no restrictions on the degree of sexual interaction. Even within the same club or dungeon, there might be some areas where full nudity and penetrative sex are OK and other areas where clothing is required.

BDSM Essential Reads

Why Do People Begin Exploring BDSM?

Is BDSM Okay?

Aftercare

Image: Couple hugging

Source: Vidar Nordli-Mathisen/Unsplash

At the conclusion of a scene, many kinksters will hang out and chat about how things went. Usually, people include a discussion of what kind of aftercare they want or are willing to provide in the pre-scene negotiation. While aftercare varies from person to person, common elements are conversation, snacks, and drinks, and perhaps cuddling. Aftercare gives people a chance to reconnect post-scene and check in to make sure everyone feels OK about how things went.