Why Do People Begin Exploring BDSM?

Until the 21st century, BDSM—bondage, discipline, and sado-masochism—was considered rare, and largely stigmatized. That’s considerably less true today for three reasons:

• Internet pornography. Introduced in the 1990s, much of online porn features elements of BDSM, which has helped normalize it.

• Fifty Shades of Grey. The wildly popular 2011 BDSM romance trilogy and movie franchise has become one of the all-time best-selling novels—more than 150 million copies sold worldwide. It, too, has normalized BDSM.

• Recent sex research. Several studies show that quite a few American couples incorporate elements of BDSM into their lovemaking. Indiana University researchers surveyed a representative sample of 2,021 American adults in 2015. Many had tried some BDSM: spanking (30 percent), dominant/submissive role playing (teacher-student, doctor-patient, 22 percent), restraint (20 percent), and light flogging (13 percent).

Still, most Americans, continue to view BDSM as a minority pleasure on the erotic fringe. Which raises a question. How and why do people get into it?

Recently researchers at Missouri State University and the University of North Carolina conducted in-depth interviews to explore how 2,113 BDSM players began playing that way.

The Study

The researchers recruited participants on X (Twitter), Facebook, from Reddit groups identified with BDSM, and on FetLife, a site devoted to fetish lifestyles. The final sample ranged in age from 18 to 62. Participants claimed from one to 50 years of BDSM experience. They are not entirely representative of the U.S. population—less heterosexual, less religious, and more white, educated, and affluent. Consequently, the study’s findings can’t be considered definitive. Nonetheless, this is the largest study to date to explore entry into BDSM, and the most diverse in terms of participants age, race, and gender. As a result, it provides an intriguing window into the personal and social forces that attract people to BDSM.

The researchers identified three major routes into kink: popular culture, partners, and personal preferences.

Pathway 1: Popular Culture (67 Percent of Respondents)

Two thirds of study participants said they began experimenting with elements of BDSM because of exposure through popular culture: pornography, Internet forums and chat rooms, romance and vampire novels, and television. These media often feature dominant (dom) men and submissive (sub) women. The top entry pathway was pornography, cited by 33 percent of participants:

• LeighAnn, 26, eight years of BDSM experience as a submissive (aka sub, bottom): “At 15, shortly after I discovered vanilla porn, I stumbled across BDSM porn, and it appealed to me more than anything else.”

• Joshua, 54, 25 years, who plays either dominant (dom, top) or submissive (in BDSM terminology, a “switch”): “In high school, my older brother had Penthouse magazine hidden in his room. The pictorials were more explicit than Playboy, and some included elements of BDSM. I also read Penthouse’s “Forum” section where supposedly real readers described their sexual experiences. Some talked favorably about BDSM.”

• Cora, 31, 10 years, sub: “I discovered BDSM when I was 15 reading fan fiction. I found it sexually exciting.”

• Cameron, 31, five years, sub: “I was browsing porn and happened to see a BDSM image. I thought, I wish that were me.”

• Drew, 23, eight years, switch: “When I was 12, it popped up on my screen and something clicked for me. I was like, wow, this is definitely something I could get into.”

Pathway 2: Sexual Partners (17 Percent of Respondents)

One-sixth of the study participants were introduced to BDSM by lovers:

• Alan, 41, 23 years BDSM experience, dom: “My high school girlfriend suggested it. At first, I didn’t want to, but she said, ‘If you don’t, we’re done.’ So I did, and we had sex—after I tied her up. At first, I was just glad to get laid. Then I realized that BDSM excited me. Since then, I don’t think I’ve ever had vanilla sex.”

• Alyx, 28, six years, sub: “When I was in college, I had a friend with benefits. We would stay up late watching Netflix. One night, after we’d grown close, he put a leather collar on me and said I was his pet. He taught me all about BDSM.”

• Charlie, 25, six years, switch: “I was 19 and involved with an older woman who’d just gotten divorced. She was a natural sub who wanted me to try being a dom. It was a perfect fit. She had to coach me at first, but after about two weeks, I got it.”

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• Scott, 25, two years, usually dom with occasional switching: “Before I even became sexually active, a friend told me about it. I saw it as barbaric and scary. But once I started having sex, my second partner wanted some dom/sub play. We took turns playing the roles. For me, that experience was primal, and I just went from there.”

• Gianna, 31, two years, sub: “I went on a date with a guy I met through an app and it went really well, which almost ever happens. We went back to his place and he said he wanted to put a blindfold on me. I was like, ‘Okay, that sounds like a great idea.”

Pathway 3: It’s Who I Am (14 Percent of Respondents)

One-seventh of respondents insisted they were born being interested in BDSM, that it was intrinsic to their personalities. Many adamantly denied that porn or partners had anything to do with their interest:

• Brooke, 62, 50 years BDSM experience, dom: “At 12 years old, I was already tying friends to trees.”

• Andrew, 28, five years, dom: “Even before I knew what it meant to have an erection, I loved being tied up and tying up others.”

• Carla, 28, five years, switch: “I felt attracted to BDSM long before I understood was it was. As soon as I learned about sex, I knew I felt attracted to someone else being in charge. I knew I liked the idea of being restrained.”

• Clare, 60, 50 years, dom: “When I was 12 at summer camp, I tied a boy and a girl to a tree, and did what I wanted to them.”

• Lorna, 46, 15 years, dom: “I’ve been dominant since I was around four. My preschool report card said I ‘needed to be less bossy.’ No joke!”

From Fantasies to Reality

The researchers asked their sample how old they were when they first had BDSM fantasies and their age when they began playing that way. Ages varied, but more than half began fantasizing BDSM play during their teens. Most didn’t act on their fantasies until their twenties, with quite a few waiting until their thirties.

There was zero correlation between the timing and circumstances of first BDSM fantasies and play with race, education, gender, or socioeconomic background. BDSM appears to appeal to some folks in all adult demographics.

This study shows that however people begin playing with elements of BDSM, they often find it sufficiently powerful, seductive, and compelling to continue that kind of erotic play.