Why Saying "No" Can Be So Powerful for You

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We are all—but women in particular— socialized within a culture, and often a family dynamic, that demands appeasement. The realities of contemporary society demand that we play multiple social roles—spouse or romantic partner, parent, child, employee, boss, etc. Oh, and we are also expected to look perfect—or at the least, presentable.

Lost in the constant juggle of work, school, and home life is the expectation for us to be “sugar and spice and everything nice.” Sure, I can watch your dog while you are away. Don’t worry, I will pick up a pie on our way over to the dinner party (or better yet, bake it from scratch). Yes, I can cover that assignment for our co-worker who is on leave.

As the obligations mount, we can be left feeling frazzled, pressed for time, and perhaps even resentful that the people around us can’t read our minds and realize that we have had enough. The problem is not specific to women—all of us are battling multiples expectations and obligations—but given the ways in which we are socialized within a particular construction of femininity, I would argue that the pressure to say yes is magnified for women.

I am here to encourage you—male or female—to consider saying no. This professional woman is exhausted. I'm tired of being made to feel selfish if I even consider putting my needs above those of others; tired of feeling pressure to conform to the expectations of others (which are often competing and unrealistic); tired of the ride-giving and the pie-making and the lack of acknowledgment for the things that I do and all the ways that I say yes.

So I am saying "no." As fellow Psychology Today contributor Judith Sills has reflected:

“No—a metal grate that slams shut the window between one's self and the influence of others—is rarely celebrated. It's a hidden power because it is both easily misunderstood and difficult to engage."

No has the potential to be a moment not only of choice but of freedom—a moment when the person who uses it announces their autonomy and decides what they need to feel fulfilled. Moreover, it often is at moments when we say no that the true nature of our relationships is revealed.

If the person making the request—whether small or large—responds to your no with a negative reaction, that reveals that your relationship is contingent on you conforming or giving in to their demands. If they attempt to guilt, manipulate, or shame you out of your no it reveals a powerful truth regarding the underlying dynamic of the relationship. There is no requirement for a person to defend their niceness. Say no and let the chips fall where they may. If you lose friends or intimate partners, it can be empowering, because it enables you to shed the dead weight in your life—personal, professional, or both.

While saying yes can be empowering—when it pushes us to explore new pathways, when it triggers our courage and our openness to new experiences—don’t be afraid of saying no. As powerful television producer Shonda Rhimes reflects in her book, Year of Yes, "No is a powerful word” (as quoted by Baker, 2016, 4). In fact, as Baker reflects on the many nos in Rhimes’ Year of Yes:

"Many difficult conversations can come from the use of it in discussion. The shade you can and will uncover when saying ‘no’ may be intense, but at least it's a reality check. What's the old adage? Women are pushovers, too emotional, and too easily swayed? In some cases, simply to avoid conflict, women find it easier to say ‘yes’ in order to avoid uncomfortable situations.

"But, when a 'friend' asked Rhimes for an exorbitant amount of money, she had a light-bulb moment. And the friend's reaction further cemented the understanding that ‘no’ held power. Rhimes held power. She was not a pushover. In fact, she danced it out after the phone call ended."

I encourage readers to reflect on where in their lives they feel stuck, stressed out, conflict-ridden, or resentful. And consider if that is the place where a resonant no can open up more space for your life.

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Copyright Azadeh Aalai 2016

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