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Key points
- Debt is something you have; it’s not what you are.
- Although debt is an “inside job,” many factors about money are not in your control.
- Financial issues can be as little as a math problem, not a personal life problem.
Have you ever been at the cash register, given the clerk your credit card, only to hear, “I’m sorry. The transaction has been declined.” Embarrassment, confusion, anger, or shame may race through your mind.
In those moments, a declined credit card charge may feel more like a reflection of our character or self-worth rather than a mistake with the bank. You aren't alone if you’ve noticed those emotional responses when something like this happens. Our finances are inherently emotional pieces of our lives, and the difficult emotions felt around things like debt can be exacerbated by financial trauma.
Financial trauma refers to the psychologically damaging effect of stressors when you aren’t emotionally able to cope. While financial difficulties can be significant financial events like a job loss or major medical bills (that can mimic acute traumatic experiences), financial problems can also come from a build-up of smaller moments, such as parents fighting about money or a buildup of debt. Simple things like an overdue bill in the mail can trigger these experiences.
Recovering from debt and financial difficulties share many parallels. There is more to struggling with debt than figuring out how to pay it off. We have to ask ourselves important questions to untangle from any financial difficulty response, such as:
- How do I regulate my emotions differently outside of financial solutions?
- How can I enjoy what I buy when I feel guilty or irresponsible when I spend?
- What does it mean to “healthy spending?”
- Why do specific financial discussions trigger such negative emotions?
- What makes me feel so much shame when I get into debt?
These are common questions to consider when improving your relationship with your money. Yet, understanding how debt makes you feel is necessary before those questions are answered.
Deconstructing Debt Messages
If you understand the emotions connected to debt, you can avoid the triggers that create those complex feelings.
Financial structure is crucial for overcoming debt difficulties. It provides stability when our nervous systems urge more reactive financial behaviors. Building structure, like creating a budget or a spending tracker, helps us note proper behaviors. That structure provides stability. Consider personal budget apps, worksheets, or using pen and paper to track your spending.
If all we hear is “we don’t have the money” as children, we begin to think we’ll never have the money as adults. That message needs to be deconstructed, too, and the messages we learned about debt growing up need to be corrected. Everything needs to be deconstructed. Instead of a hard plaster wall of permanent beliefs, consider the wall Legos and deconstruct each piece bit by bit.
Redeveloping a New Point of View About Money
Debt cannot be moralized as irresponsible or used as a metric for our self-worth. Recognize when money issues appear and decide what applies to the present or the past. The primary narrative in the current culture is that debt represents a character flaw. To break the debt cycle, we must be counter-cultural.
My colleague at Beyond Finance always says, “Debt is an inside job.” As we tackle the financial and emotional challenges of debt, we can begin healing from damaging money messages that get in our way.
