Why People Manipulate and Play Games in Relationships

Why do people lie, cheat, manipulate, and play games—especially while dating and in romantic relationships? Just about everyone who has endured a horrible date, or a toxic relationship, tends to ask that question. After all, wouldn't it be easier for people to just be honest, communicate clearly, and ask for what they want?

In reality though, honesty, intimacy, and trust can sometimes be hard to find in others. At times, it can be difficult to risk ourselves that way too. But, why? Why is there a temptation to play games—especially when we all know how poorly they eventually turn out?

Transactional Analysis

Fortunately, these questions are not new. They were explored (and answered) sixty years ago, by Eric Berne, in his book Games People Play (1964). Berne was a medical doctor, interested in Freudian psychoanalysis and social interactions. He combined the two, into what he called Transactional Analysis, which explored both the psychological and social aspects of human relations. In Games People Play, Berne outlined what he had developed for a general audience.

To begin, Berne (1964) gave three main reasons why people seek to have transactions with one another, supported by research of that time. First, he noted that people need to be stroked and physically stimulated by each other throughout life, much like an infant needs physical nurturing for health and development. Second, he found that people also needed recognition from others to feel good about themselves emotionally. Third, they needed a way to structure and pass their time. These three needs, along with anything else they got from an interaction with others, were the payoffs that motivated human transactions and relationships.

Ideally, these needs are met through relationships and interactions that are honest, trusting, and intimate—free of worry, insecurities, and hang-ups. As Berne (1964) explained, "Intimacy begins when individual (usually instinctual) programming becomes more intense, and both social patterning and ulterior restrictions and motives begin to give way. It is the only completely satisfying answer to stimulus-hunger, recognition-hunger, and structure-hunger." Nevertheless, as Berne (1964) also noted, "Prolonged intimacy is also rare, and even then it is primarily a private matter; significant social intercourse most commonly takes the form of games..."

Games People Play

If intimacy is the best way for someone to get their needs met, then why play games instead? Berne (1964) answered this question with what he called a person's existential advantage or existential position. In its most simple form, this is how a person feels about their own self and others—as okay, or not okay.

Berne believed that people started out with an "I'm okay, you're okay" position, which facilitated intimacy. Nevertheless, interactions with others, especially during childhood, could leave someone with negative thoughts or feelings about themselves (I'm not okay) or about others (you're not okay) instead. These beliefs then became self-fulfilling prophecies, that could influence a person's behaviors and relationships for a lifetime (known as a script).

Therefore, people avoid intimacy and play games when they believe they are not okay, other people are not okay, or both. They play games, because they still want the payoff of a transaction or relationship—but their negative existential position prevents them from being honest and intimate. In other words, they want to get something, but they cannot trust themselves or someone else to do it openly and honestly.

So, they use ulterior methods and play games instead. This allows them to get what they want, without risking being intimate and trusting. Depending on the type of game played and their role in it, it also allows an individual to confirm their negative existential position and say, "See, I'm really not okay" or "they're really not okay." This can have secondary payoffs too, like being excused from standards or responsibilities (I'm not okay), or feeling morally superior to others (you're not okay). Nevertheless, games are not as satisfying as real intimacy, so game-players are always left somewhat unfulfilled—leading to a series of frustrating relationships.

Beyond Games

Given the above, how do we move beyond playing games and develop real intimacy? The solution comes in two parts, which mirrors the motivations and expectations necessary for any relationship success. First, you need to find a partner who is able to meet your needs—and for whom you are able meet their needs in return (i.e. the payoffs). Second, you both need to be able to trust each other, and yourselves, to fairly and honestly meet each other's needs (i.e. I'm Okay and You're Okay). If any of those components are missing, game playing will result instead.

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Thus, payoffs are important in an intimate relationship. As noted above, they may include things like stimulation, attention, respect, and a way to pass the time. They may also include more practical and emotional benefits too. The common feature is that they are all positive and result in the development of a mutually-rewarding relationship. In contrast, if interactions becomes punishing or demeaning, then they will often slide into game-playing—and the relationship can become negative overall instead.

Also, existential positions and expectations are essential for intimate relationships too. Both partners need to come from an "I'm Okay and You're Okay" viewpoint. This may require partners to work through attachment issues, in order to build trust with one another. They might also need to explore self-esteem concerns, in order to trust themselves and not sell themselves short in relationships too. Otherwise, without everyone feeling okay, trust cannot develop—and without trust all around, people seek to control others and play games instead.

Overall, then, avoiding games requires that you find a partner with something to offer, who you can trust. It also requires you to have something to offer and being able to trust yourself. With those pieces in place, true intimacy can be built—and a truly satisfying relationship can develop.

© 2024 by Jeremy S. Nicholson, M.A., M.S.W., Ph.D. All rights reserved.