Parents and Younger Adult Kids: Defining the Word "Toxic"

Photograph by Toa Heftiba. Copyright free. Unplash

The word—once used to describe chemical spills and waste dumps—is beginning to give “narcissist” (or narc) a run for its money. I will admit that I do use the word “toxic” in my own writing but I reserve it for behavior that is psychologically and emotionally damaging, that causes real harm to an individual, and therefore can be considered “toxic.” (The dictionary synonym is poisonous, by the way.)

There’s research as well as scuttlebutt about how younger adults—specifically Gen Z and Millenials—are branding their parents “toxic” and cutting bait on them. A survey conducted by sociologist Rin Reczek and colleagues found that roughly six percent of daughters were estranged from their mothers by age 26; one in four sons were estranged from their fathers in contrast. As the authors explain, not only is there an insufficient amount of research on estrangement but because estrangement often follows a cyclical pattern (with estrangement ending), there are few definitive answers on whether this is a “new” trend. Yes, I was estranged in my twenties 50 years ago and knew others; it simply wasn’t talked about

Some Speculations on Some Changes

Young adults have much easier access to information that defines verbal abuse and other forms of manipulation pertaining to parental behavior; older generations didn't have this information at hand and were very much bound by strictures pertaining to honoring and respecting parents. I say this as an old person and it makes an enormous difference. The simple fact is that young adults may be responding to abusive behavior because they want better and they know more about what’s ok and what’s not.

Yes, that is a sobering observation. But as information about abusive behavior in adults who mentor, tend to, and, yes, parent children becomes more available, that is a very good thing indeed. That kind of clarification did not exist when I was a young adult.

None of this means we don’t need to closely define what constitutes “toxic.”

Parents in Transition: Troubleshooting the Problem

The focus is usually on the young adults who are in transition—finishing college or studies, moving out of their parents’ homes, seeking employment or advanced education, operating under their own steam—but the reality is that their parents are also in transition. Those with a more flexible, more authoritative style of parenting will find this transition to being more of a bystander in an adult child’s life much easier than one who displays an authoritarian or controlling style of parenting or who has played an over-active role in their child’s life (aka helicoptering); these parents in particular may find this transition very difficult.

Culturally, while we acknowledge the stresses and tension of the child’s earlier transition in adolescence, this transition tends to be pretty much ignored except for empty-nester tropes and the like. Yet the stresses on both sides—that of the parent and the young adult child—are real as are the tensions. Some of the tensions are inevitable and built into the process as the adult child begins to make choices but I suspect that certain cultural changes may have exacerbated some of them. While stick-to-it-iveness characterized the last generation’s attitude to work and jobs, Milllennials and Gen Z’ers hop around a lot more, which may bewilder some parents who came of age with a decidedly different set of rules. Additionally, the pandemic changed the nature of how everyone works, especially young adults; for many, office life is a relic but causes its own stresses. And there’s no question that the pandemic also affected familial relationships.

Figuring Out What’s “Toxic’—and What’s Not

Since I am literature-trained, I am focused on the meaning of the word and what scientific research shows to be “toxic” in terms of influence. I’m also drawing from what research shows to be the most common disagreements between young adults and their parents.

It’s not “toxic” for your parent to disapprove of your choices.

Yes, it is disappointing that she/he/they are not on board with the decisions you’ve made, whether that’s about a job or a partner, but your parents are not required to be cheerleaders when they see something they don’t like. Adulthood is about making your choices and, yes, sometimes you will run into interference. Whether you find the disapproval salient or pertinent is part and parcel of a young adult’s growth.

But how parents express that disapproval matters. If something you’ve been promised is suddenly withdrawn because of the “choice” you’ve made, that is not ok. It is not ok for a parent to say that your choices reflect your weaknesses as a person or your character flaws. It is not ok to try to shame you by badmouthing you and your choices to others inside and outside of the family. That has become toxic behavior. It is important both to know the difference and to make an effort to discuss the problem.

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It’s not “toxic” for your parents to withdraw monetary support.

There’s lots of research showing that the line between “dependent child” and “independent young adult” has blurred as adult children boomerang back into their parents’ home because of changes in their work or life trajectory. That said, parents often find themselves in a position where they are monetarily supporting a trajectory—not charging a child rent or food costs or continuing to funnel cash—they actually don’t support. And, yes, they are allowed to do that.

But threatening you with withdrawal of monetary support—say if you are still in school—if you don’t change your choices, crosses a line. It is also not ok for you to excoriate your parents for deciding that they do not want to bankroll your choices and to decide to wage war. People are allowed to spend their money as they wish. Adult truth.

It is not “toxic” or inappropriate for an adult child to set boundaries with a parent.

This may come as a shock to some but, yes, even younger adult children are allowed to set boundaries as are, of course, parents. Telling your parents that you need space or that you need them to back off from an issue or disagreement should be acceptable to all parties. Again, with parents who hew to a traditional view (“We are the parents and our children have no right to boss us around”) or who are high in control, setting boundaries can set disputes in motion. That said, they are appropriate for both parties.

But using boundaries—including decreased contact—as a way of punishing someone is not ok, no matter who does it. Threatening your parent/s with estrangement is every bit as “toxic” as when a parent does it.

Reserving the Word “Toxic” for the Occasions That Fit

There is behavior that is meant to hurt and harm as well as manipulate and we need the word to retain its power in those circumstances.

Copyright © 2023 by Peg Streep.