Loneliness: Is It an Emergency of the Psyche?

The loneliness discussion seems to be everywhere:

• Illinois NPR, “Statewide: The Loneliness Epidemic”
• Psychology Today, “Embracing Autonomy Was a Big Mistake”
• USA Today, “Loneliness Is at Epidemic Levels and It’s Killing Americans”
• The New York Times Opinion Piece, “Loneliness Is Inescapable, so Let’s Talk About It”

These articles and podcasts were published within six days of each other.

Six days. The degree of loneliness for so many is hauntingly soul-crushing and killing the best parts of the creative and substantial self.

I repeat this data point as a shout-out to you, especially if you are one of the millions of people facing the intensity of loneliness. Drawing attention around the world, there are people out there who are acknowledging the mental health dilemma of loneliness and focusing on how to help.

Source: Erik Lattwein/Dreamstime

In thinking about how to hone in on this hot topic of loneliness, I keyed into what I heard friends, clients, and colleagues talking about: a felt sense of lost connection. It’s understandable because business meetings and, often, chats take place on a screen, and once the “Leave Meeting” button pops up and is clicked, the screen, like a box that frames you, disappears. No one to chat with at the end of a session or meeting or chat. You are left alone with yourself. A self perhaps feeling untethered with anxiety or anger, memories that pop in, and the kind of dread one only wants to avoid.

Until recently, loneliness wasn’t on my radar.

Yet, I had heard about Britain’s Minister for Loneliness, a position currently held by Stuart Andrew. The deep dive into what loneliness is about from a cultural, psycho-social perspective brought to light the degree to which loneliness is as pervasive as depression, anxiety, anger, and self-loathing.

Loneliness is traumatic in nature, and yet, it’s often not seen as the traumatic experience it is. But this experience changes the brain, and clearly, any emotion or event that shifts how the brain functions when it’s normal is responding to a traumatic or stressful imprint. So when the amygdala and the prefrontal cortex react to stress, and loneliness is a stress contributor, these brain connectors get disrupted and are not able to do what they are meant to do: keep you regulated and well-functioning.

Too often, the response to the formidable presence of loneliness is being told to become more social by engaging in community.

And that’s true. I admire the work of Paul Conti, the author of Trauma: The Invisible Epidemic, because he suggests a pathway to healing with specific techniques such as socialization, community building, and accessing the brain’s power to break the silence and secrecy of their wounds.

But he’s talking about trauma being the invisible wound, and by today’s standards, it seems that loneliness is a misinterpreted phenomenon. It’s not what Elvis Presley sings in his song, “Are You Lonesome Tonight?” where the lyrics begin with:

Are you lonesome tonight? Do you miss me tonight? Are you sorry we drifted apart?

For some, lonesomeness may be attributed to the loss of another, but the loneliness epidemic is functionally and esoterically different.

This phenomenon happens when there is a loss of the self, and it’s not about what love object is there or not. Rather, its emergence unfolds during world or personal crises that affect one’s sense of personal identity and social identity. When the two identities are in crisis, the sense of self is at odds: This is the perfect storm for loneliness to emerge.

Source: Odina/Dreamstime

Why is loneliness on the rise? Perhaps because it’s not being seen as loneliness. There’s little accurate language to elucidate the feeling of loneliness.

But what if the queries focus on a deeper dive into that which is an existential and spiritual upset? What if the loneliness is part of a bigger picture where the loss of the self you once knew feels remote?

Loneliness Essential Reads

Is It Bad for Kids to Feel Lonely?

Loneliness and Social Norm Violations

Questions to ask the self

Think about the following questions and your responses. They may help you to decipher the loneliness you’ve been feeling.

1. Have I faced a crisis lately or lost a sense of curiosity, and if so, how has that changed my sense of self?
2. Can I define my beliefs about who I am, i.e., my personal identity?
3. Can I define myself in the context of community and my identified sense of self within a community?
4. Has loneliness been caused by an existential crisis (internal conflict, spiritual emergency) within me?
5. How has my sense of myself shifted so I don’t feel as if I fit in or understand myself in the world?

There is no right or wrong response. The questions are geared to act as a guide to a world that many clinicians are often not taught to delve into. Again, it’s not right or wrong; rather, it’s opening up another world to the psyche’s pain—a pain that’s often co-mingled with the likes of depressive disorders, anxiety, and grief reactions.

When you actually identify what’s happening within your psyche and label it accurately, it is the accuracy that allows the beginning of change and hope. Loneliness is part of the labyrinth of life. It can feel as if you are in a maze without a way out, but in actuality, you are exploring options and paths that can evoke curiosity.