Is It Bad for Kids to Feel Lonely?

In an op-ed in the Sunday New York Times some years ago, Frank Bruni talked about the shock that many—or perhaps most—college freshmen face when they get to college. Having been sold on how much fun college will be, on how they will have “the time of their lives” by nostalgic parents and teachers, they are stunned to feel … lonely. And not just at first. In a survey of 28,000 college students on 51 campuses by The American College Health Association, more than 60 percent said they had felt “very lonely” in the previous 12 months. Nearly 30 percent said that they had felt that way in the past two weeks.

What gives?

The Silence on Loneliness

Victor Schwartz, medical director of the Jed Foundation, one of the nation’s leading advocacy groups for the mental health of teenagers and young adults, said that these findings were completely consistent with his observations. He said, “many students are lonely and think this is sort of unique to them because no one talks about it.”

Contributing to the silence on loneliness is the fact that kids can now present themselves on Facebook and other social media sites as having fabulously fun lives and lots of friends. Elizabeth Gong-Guy, UCLA psychologist, said that “the highly curated lives” of others presented on social media only make those sitting alone in their dorm rooms feel more alone. But the irony is, of course, that these idealized depictions of life are put together by other kids sitting alone in their rooms.

Let’s take this a step further and ask, Why is it that kids get to college so unfamiliar with loneliness and so unprepared to face it?

In my practice, I have parents who still set up “play dates” for pre-teens. And, of course, we all know that children and parents feel unsafe about allowing children to roam their neighborhoods. Planned activities have taken the place of spontaneous play and sometimes boring and lonely downtime for many kids.

How Parents Can Help

It is important for parents to start early to prepare their children for the fact that there can be lonely and boring times in life—and to help them to learn how to tolerate this.

Parents need to gradually step back from setting up social occasions for their kids as they get older—and to suggest that children set up their own—or find other things to do.

And if your 11-year-old doesn’t reach out to friends? How about letting him or her experience what it feels like to be lonely on the weekend for a while?

If our children are not allowed to feel some lonely or bored feelings before they go away to camp for the first time or, eventually, to college, they will not learn to manage these times on their own.

Parents can empathize: “It’s hard to feel lonely” or “I remember feeling lonely at your age” and they can also gradually remove themselves from fixing the problem for their child. They can also remind their children that feeling bored or lonely for an afternoon or a day or two is something their child can live through.

Tolerating our children’s loneliness or boredom is hard. We don’t want our children to suffer. However, it is important to think long-term. If children of 9, 10, 12, or 14 don’t learn how to reach out to their friends themselves or to amuse themselves (without an electronic device!), how can we expect them to manage at school and later at college? If we don’t let our children struggle through some periods of boredom or loneliness, how can they suddenly figure it out during freshman year?

Children of all ages can feel lonely. The first few weeks of school, it can be lonely on the playground or at lunchtime for a new student or for a child who isn’t still friends with the kids from last year—or for the shy or anxious child who doesn’t dare to approach even children he or she has known before. Parents can talk to their kids about how hard this is. Parents can ask their child’s teacher to help with social skills on the playground and help develop the ability to join a group to play. In more persistent cases of social isolation, children can be referred to social groups or psychotherapy to expand on skills for reaching out to others before it’s time to go to high school or college.

Loneliness Essential Reads

Loneliness and Social Norm Violations

The Surprising Ways Solitude Is an Antidote to Loneliness

And as it gets closer to the time for our kids to go off to college, we can acknowledge ahead of time how difficult it might be to be on campus at first.

We can tell our kids about our own first days and weeks at college or at new jobs or in new cities.

When our kids are in their senior year in high school, it's time to start talking about what college is really like, to bring up the fact that most freshmen feel lonely and awkward for a while.

I remember my older sister once telling me that I should never decide on whether to stay at the college I had chosen or in a new city I had moved to until I had been there for at least a year. During many lonely nights and weeks, I remembered her advice—and it helped me to persevere.

Also, let’s remind our kids of two things: (1) they have been through many firsts already and (2) they are not alone. Everyone on campus feels lonely at times, especially at the beginning of the year, and they can get out of their rooms and reach out to other students. They can go to the cafe, or the gym, or the library if they feel too alone.

Finally, let’s be sure to talk to our kids about the drinking and partying that many of their peers will be doing at college, especially at the beginning of the year. Many will be doing this to dull their loneliness—to make quick hookups in order to feel some kind of connection, or pseudo-connection. But let’s talk about how this isn’t the healthiest strategy for combating a sense of being alone—in fact, it may increase the feeling of loneliness. As Bruni says at the end of his piece, “We … need to tell [our kids going off to college] that what’s often behind all the drinking … isn’t celebration but sadness—which is normal, survivable and shared by many of the people around them.”