Challenges of Co-Parenting Children

Among the factors that can influence how satisfied partners are with their relationship, it is essential that they are able to manage challenges from inside their relationship (e.g., differences in their temperaments) and from outside (e.g., financial stressors). Couples who are raising children require the ability to collaborate well in handling a variety of challenges, both common and relatively predictable (e.g., infant sleep difficulties) and non-normative (e.g., an adolescent with behavior problems at school). Consequently, in our new book on couple therapy, my colleague Dr. Mariana Falconier and I (Epstein & Falconier, 2024) feature co-parenting as one of the concerns that couples commonly bring to therapy. The quality of co-parenting not only affects the couple, but it also influences the well-being of their children (Murphy, Jacobvitz, & Hazen, 2016).

The term co-parenting often has been used to refer to parenting by members of a separated or divorced couple, who must navigate the challenges of collaborating in creating a secure environment for children even when they have ended their couple relationship, sometimes with ongoing conflict. Resources for those couples include self-help books available at booksellers, as well as consultation with therapists who specialize in post-divorce parenting. However, co-parenting issues can also arise in intact couples, even those whose relationships are satisfying overall. Any overall relationship conflict can interfere with co-parenting, and in turn, conflict regarding co-parenting can contribute to general relationship distress.

Thus, it is important for members of a couple to be aware of any difficulties they are experiencing with co-parenting and to develop collaborative skills as needed. Co-parenting also may involve two people who are not in a couple relationship, for example, a parent and grandparent (McHale & Lindahl, 2011). Although some co-parenting relationship dynamics may differ in those other dyads, we find that the processes involved in improving co-parenting often are similar. In three-generation households in which grandparents are involved in childrearing, conflicts between them and a child’s parents may be influenced by longstanding generational issues (e.g., a power struggle between a grandparent and their adult child) that need attention.

Among the many self-help books on parenting, as well as online and in-person educational programs, the main focus tends to be on how an individual parent can improve their knowledge of child development, as well as skills for communicating effectively with children and effective child behavior management. There commonly is less attention in such books and programs to ways in which members of a couple (or other parenting dyad) can work as a team on positive parenting. If there is a conflict between them, how can they identify its sources and overcome it? Sometimes those sources are obvious, and sometimes they are more subtle.

Negotiating Parenting Roles

One common source of difficulty in co-parenting arises when one or both partners are unhappy with their respective parenting roles. Parenting roles include attending to their children’s emotional needs, teaching them social skills and good manners, developing emotion regulation and impulse control, and managing misbehavior. Parenting also involves transmitting positive values that are consistent with the parents’ cultural beliefs, and developing children’s ability to cope with life stressors such as racism and other forms of discrimination.

Couples vary in how explicitly they negotiate their roles, versus sliding into them without direct discussion. Lack of discussion can increase the risk of dissatisfaction with one’s own responsibilities and those of one’s partner, especially when the individuals have different beliefs about what roles are appropriate for each person. Roots of differences in role beliefs may be the roles each person experienced from adult models during childhood, including cultural influences (e.g., parental gender-based roles for who implements discipline with children; who addresses children’s emotional issues).

Parents’ personal histories also can lead to different beliefs about appropriate child behavior, such as whether children should be allowed to voice disagreement with parents. Parents also may have different assumptions about children, such as one believing that young children are capable of understanding and complying with parental instructions, whereas the other assumes that children are by nature impulsive, selfish, and only responsive to punishment.

A related source of difficulty involves the ways the couple interacts behaviorally regarding co-parenting. Ambrosi, Kavanagh, and Havighurst (2022) described supportive and undermining forms of co-parenting behavior. Supportive co-parenting involves communicating respect for each other’s approach and making efforts to work as a team. Undermining co-parenting involves criticizing, belittling, and interrupting the other person’s parenting behavior. Another form of undermining behavior is “triangulating” a child into a coalition with oneself and the other parent.

A couple is less likely to engage in supportive rather than undermining co-parenting when they have limited skills for communication and problem-solving to resolve their conflicts about roles. Constructive communication skills involve expressing one’s thoughts and emotions clearly and respectfully to one’s partner, while the partner engages in non-judgmental empathic listening to understand the other’s perspective, even when they disagree (Epstein & Falconer, 2024).

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Effective problem-solving includes clearly identifying a problem such as conflict over the appropriate way to manage a child’s overuse of their cellphone and other screens, collaboratively brainstorming potential solutions, discussing the pros and cons of each solution, deciding on a solution the couple can try, and jointly assessing how well it worked (Epstein & Falconier, 2024). It is important that the couple avoid undermining each other in front of children, whereas it can be valuable to model supportive co-parenting for the children.

Dyadic Coping

Another source of ineffective co-parenting occurs when a member of the couple is overwhelmed by stresses from their parenting responsibilities (e.g., maintaining multiple treatments for a child with special physical or psychological needs) and the other member does not help reduce the stress through positive “dyadic coping.” Dyadic coping occurs when the stressed person expresses their distress and its cause to their partner, and the partner uses strategies such as conveying empathic emotional support and taking over some of the other’s parenting tasks to lighten their load (Epstein & Falconier, 2024).

Dyadic coping is valuable when external stressors are interfering with one or both individuals’ ability to carry out parenting roles. Examples are job demands and caretaking for an ill extended family member. Sometimes members of a couple overlook the effects that other life stressors have on their individual and co-parenting abilities. It can be very helpful to identify those stressors and collaborate as a team in developing solutions to reduce their negative effects.

Programs that teach individuals parenting skills commonly emphasize being consistent with discipline methods, but co-parenting necessitates consistency between parents. It minimizes confusion on a child’s part and blocks opportunities for a child to pit parents against each other. Inconsistency may result from inadequate communication between parents regarding their parenting behavior. This can be addressed through better expressive and listening skills. It also may result from conflicting standards for child behavior and effective discipline methods. Parents need to convey respect for each other’s beliefs and identify parenting approaches with which both can be comfortable.

Failing to convey respect and empathy for each other’s parenting beliefs and concerns can result in the couple becoming polarized in their approaches. Thus, one parent may conclude, “Unless I am very strict, my partner’s lax approach will result in irresponsible children,” while the other parent concludes, “My partner is so strict that the kids feel trapped and discouraged, and they will never gain experience making decisions on their own. I need to give them some slack and take the pressure off.” Those polarized positions stop the couple from collaborating. They need to explore their fears of taking the other’s beliefs into account, and identify goals they actually share (e.g., raising responsible and emotionally healthy children).

Partners’ responses to each other’s parenting can be influenced by inferences they make about each other’s motives. For example, an individual who thinks their division of child care responsibilities is inequitable and attributes it to their partner being selfish is likely to be angry and accuse the partner of selfishness. The individual’s negative attribution and anger may be reduced if the partner is able to avoid responding defensively, expresses empathy for the individual’s feeling burdened, and voices a desire to re-negotiate the division of labor.

As with responses to other areas of conflict in a relationship, partners may find themselves experiencing strong emotions such as anger and anxiety over differences in their co-parenting approaches. Difficulty regulating those emotions can increase polarization between partners and interfere with resolving their differences. Consequently, couples can use a variety of emotion regulation methods such as mindfulness exercises, physical relaxation, and positive self-talk to prevent escalation or to de-escalate. In addition to using such methods individually, partners can coach each other in regulating negative emotions, as a form of dyadic coping.