Chronic Shame: A Complex Trauma for LGBTQ+ People

Unlike acute trauma, which results from a one-time experience of something deeply distressing, disturbing, and/or harmful, complex trauma results from long-term, repeated exposure to traumatic experiences.

Complex traumas are often interpersonal in nature, meaning they can be caused by another person or group of people. For this reason, complex traumas have the potential to severely impact how people relate to others.

It is particularly damaging to experience complex trauma in childhood and adolescence—life stages marked by significant and critical neurological development and identity development. And, as the name suggests, complex traumas are often complicated and difficult to heal.

Chronic Shame as Complex Trauma

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Many LGBTQ+ people have endured chronic shame in response to growing up in cultures rooted in heteronormativity and anti-queerness.

Chronic shame is the experience of having consistent and persistent feelings of shame, which can be evoked in response to long-term, repeated exposure to direct and indirect messaging about the wrongness of being LGBTQ+ (i.e., comments made by peers or family members, things seen in media (TV, films, books, etc.), words shared by religious or community leaders, legislation proposed and/or upheld, etc.).

Shame affects the brain in ways similar to traditional traumas. It activates the fight-flight-freeze response and can lead to the internalization of distorted beliefs about one’s self, others, and the greater world.

Simply put, shame in itself can be traumatic.

The anti-queer shame that has been consistently activated within LGBTQ+ people can, therefore, be thought of as a form of complex trauma.

Why might it be useful for LGBTQ+ people to view their experience growing up internalizing this shame as a form of complex trauma?

In addition to providing language that may allow others to understand better how harmful growing up in this way is for LGBTQ+ people, this perspective can also increase LGBTQ+ peoples' own self-compassion in understanding the magnitude of what they went through and the various wounds it caused. There is power in owning one’s resilience and strength, as well as acknowledging the severity of what one suffered.

The Impact of the Trauma of Chronic Shame

In looking at one’s experience through this lens of having endured the trauma of chronic shame, it can be helpful for LGBTQ+ people to explore the various impacts this had and how it may be interrupting the life they seek now.

To do so, one can explore their "shame story" of how anti-queer-induced shame was a part of their life growing up and into adulthood through:

• examination of childhood and adolescence to highlight moments when shame was activated in response to anti-queer messaging,
• exploration of what shame beliefs may have been internalized/reinforced during these moments, and
• exploration of how these beliefs might still be impacting their lives today

Shame Survival Strategies

It is common for LGBTQ+ folks with a history of chronic shame to develop unconscious survival strategies to protect against what shame made them fear the most—being unworthy of love and belonging. Common shame survival strategies include perfectionism, inner criticism, making one’s self small/hidden, keeping others at an emotional distance, and anxious overthinking.

Despite originating out of a place of self-preservation, these shame survival strategies often become additional layers of challenge for people and something they may want to explore letting go of. Here's one way to do this:

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First, build understanding and awareness. Using curiosity and exploration of our past through the lens of chronic shame, we can identify which survival strategies we may have developed, examine how they have shown up for us in the past, and gradually become more able to notice when they get activated in the present.

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Next, we can explore our current relationship to our survival strategies by asking such questions as: How do they show up for me today? How might they still serve me, and how might they harm or limit me?

Then, if we want to work towards letting these strategies go, we can:

First, compassionately acknowledge each strategy's intention to help:

• As if talking to a friend, communicate with this strategy (in writing, thought, or out loud) about your awareness of what it was attempting to do for you (i.e., “I know you were and still are trying to protect me because shame made me afraid”).

Then, let the strategy know why its protection isn’t needed now:

• “I needed that protection then, but things are different for me today. Shame told me I couldn’t be enough as I was, but this isn’t true. I’ve learned that it is safe, okay, and powerful to be me. So, I’m going to be letting you go, but I thank you for what you’ve tried to do for me.”

Lastly, we can intentionally act from a new belief we seek to internalize now:

• For instance, to unlearn inner criticism, we may seek to act from a place of “I am okay as I am;” to unlearn perfectionism, we may seek to act from a place of “I am worthy as I am;" for anxiety, we may seek to act from a place of “I am safe now;" for intimacy fears, we may seek to act from a place of “I can let people in and be known by them.”

Note: These shame survival strategies are often very ingrained; therefore, our goal is not to excavate them completely but rather to increase our ability to catch when they are in the driver’s seat and choose how we want to respond.

In addition to working with our shame survival strategies in this way, other ways to work towards healing from the trauma of chronic shame include:

• actively offering compassion to our younger self who internalized the shame and helping them retroactively unlearn what they falsely came to believe about themselves.
• finding community within which we can grow the parts shame told us to hide and let them be seen and validated.
• engaging in psychotherapy.
• sharing our shame story with people we trust.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.