Reconsidering Empathy and Autism

There are many fallacies about the relationship between autism and empathy. Autistic people are often believed to lack empathy, which is an outdated and damaging assertion highlighting issues of ableism and the continued lack of awareness and appropriate research of people who are neurologically diverse.

Empathy is understood to be the ability to consider the perspectives and viewpoints of others. The expression ‘to walk in someone’s else shoes’ is often used as a way of describing the concept. It is a quality expected of any counsellor and therapist, as it is one of the core conditions required in any therapeutic relationship for healing and transformation to occur.

In the bestselling book, Born For Love: Why empathy is essential and endangered, Bruce Perry and Maria Szalavitz present a highly detailed account of how empathy has evolved and why it is important for our species and many others. “Empathy is rooted in our biology," they write. "The foundation for an ability to understand others starts with one of the most basic abilities shared by even the most primitive single-celled organisms. That is, the ability to distinguish self from other, your kind from mine.” (Perry et al, 2010, p13)

In their book, they discuss autism and how the research has evolved. The spectrum was initially considered to comprise people who exhibited few emotions and didn’t care about others. Advancements in research have since been made, and they concede that "New research, as well as the experiences of people with autistic conditions and their families, suggests that something else is going on. In fact, in some cases of autism, people may actually care too much, not too little.” (Perry et al, 2010, p79).

When I was training as a counsellor, I often reflected on the empathy I had experienced when I went to counselling. I believed that it was predominantly as a result of this quality that I got so much out of those sessions. I was grateful every time a therapist was able to understand things from my perspective because being diagnosed with ASD is a sure indicator that your perspective is different. I had been working as a counsellor myself for a few years when my assessment found that my levels of empathy may be problematic, not because they are lacking, but because they exceed those of most people.

My ASD assessment report stated, "She is over-empathic and has a tendency to get too emotionally involved.” Yet the stereotypes around autism that prevail state that we, as a group of people, struggle to empathize. As a therapist, I have sat with many people in emotional pain, and I have felt their broken hearts and my eyes have welled up as theirs have and I have found my empathy almost debilitating at times.

“Conversely, there may be high levels of empathy between autistic individuals; some will suggest that, in fact, their levels of empathy far outweigh what is commonly found within the general population," Dr. Luke Beardon writes. "Certainly there are examples of intense empathic feelings for other people that demonstrate an extraordinarily well-developed theory of mind—sometimes autistic individuals will feel intensely on behalf of a person they don’t know well, or even at all.” (Beardon, 2017, p16)

I also believe that the way I empathize is different from those who are not on the spectrum. Not only do I feel that I can almost embody the feelings and emotions of someone I am close to, but the way I relate to their experiences and stories is different too. My mind will often match their experience with an experience in my memory that most aligns with what they are describing. This action seems to allow my empathy to heighten and strengthens it, however, it could be perceived as self-centred and selfish, as the narrative is personalised.

I have often thought of empathy as the effort to understand and relate to another person’s experience and perspective. Yet I have felt that most people do not empathize with my experience and my perspective and that is why I believe many people on the spectrum are good at empathizing. We understand what it is like to be misunderstood, and I feel great affection and warmth towards those who make an effort to see the world from my perspective.

Empathy Essential Reads

The 6 Essential Aspects of Empathy

The Mystery of Human Kindness

If we measure empathy by looking at how people who are not autistic do it, then those on the spectrum will always fall short and fail by this unhelpful and ableist comparison. What needs to be done is to consider the variety of ways in which people connect and relate to the world and then establish how they make those connections. To show empathy towards others is to be able to relate to their experiences and viewpoints. Once that happens, connection can occur and mutual understanding is more likely.

More than anything else, empathy relates to the effort to connect with other people and their perspectives. Empathy helps us to connect with other human beings so that we can relate and interact effectively with them. The level of effort put into these connections and relationships can be a measure of whether empathy is present. Those with autism may miss the cues which signal and establish the usual levels of empathy that most of the population relate to or find acceptable for effective social interactions.

Many people on the spectrum spend a lot of time and energy trying to navigate a world where there is a lack of empathy and regard for those who deviate from the norm or who have disabilities. I think it isn’t always those with ASD who are lacking in empathy. Maybe we are being measured using a scale that discriminates against us and our neurology and discounts the divergent ways which we choose to empathize. Many people, autistic or not, feel great comfort in sitting with a person who makes an effort to see the world from their perspective. Many people do this well. Many autistic people do this very well.