Schizophrenia, Loneliness, and COVID-19

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I have been fully recovered from schizophrenia for 12 years now. Being in full recovery means that I work and volunteer and enjoy normal, meaningful relationships again. The symptoms of schizophrenia can be profoundly disabling. But today, the voices I once hallucinated in my mind, which were my closest companion, are gone. I have moved on and lived a regular life, but not these last few months.

Often, people with schizophrenia become increasingly isolated as their symptoms intensify. As they lose interest in hobbies, schoolwork, and even self-care, they may lose interest in their friends as well. This is what happened to me when I developed schizophrenia. Today, with the spread of coronavirus, it is a greater challenge to regularly interact with others, but it is vital to maintain mental health.

Due to increasing paranoia, it is typical for people affected by schizophrenia to refuse meetings with friends. Personally, at the onset of my illness, I cut off my relationships with friends and family. I was paranoid that they would stop me from making a worldwide impact, as I believed I had the ability to aid tens or even hundreds of millions living in poverty throughout the world.

Others may believe their relatives and friends are spying on them or intending to hurt them and feel the need to stay away. This can result in isolation and loneliness.

At the onset of my schizophrenia, and after I lost all contact with friends and family, I did make new friends I was not afraid of, at least not at first. Spending time in libraries, I met university students and engaged in relationships. Then I distanced myself from them and started to spend my days in local parks. In my favorite park, I made other friends, and on several occasions, people I met near the flower gardens would begin sharing their lives with me.

But in my illness, I could not manage to maintain friendships for more than a few weeks, or a few months in some cases. As soon as my new acquaintances became friends, I stopped visiting the park, and I avoided the main floor of the library. Part of it was that I had a secret — I was homeless and often trespassing in various places at night. I wanted to be certain no one knew.

I believe that many of these people may have offered me advice and help if I had been less paranoid and given them the opportunity.

When I was diagnosed with schizophrenia in 2007, after my four years of being homeless, my psychiatrist asked me who my best friend was. I mentioned a friend who I had seen many times over the previous months, but didn’t know very well, as there was no one else. Truthfully, my best friend was the hallucinated presence of my future husband inside of my mind. I heard his voice every day.

A year after my diagnosis, I finally found the right medication, which enabled me to develop genuinely close friendships again, both in my community and at the university where I enrolled in 2009. But even as I was coming out of the mental cloud of schizophrenia, which had prevented me from having friends, I faced other challenges.

During my four years of homelessness, my college friends had moved on. Many graduated from college, pursued graduate education, or went to medical school. Some married, and there were others who had kids. I didn’t realize that if I mentioned my schizophrenia to them, many would never want to speak to me again. After my disclosure, several relationships were permanently damaged.

Additionally, when I returned as a student to the university, I felt behind in life, as most of the students in my university classes were at least five years younger than I was.

Over the past 12 years in recovery, I have begun to make new goals and pursue new dreams. I am not married, and I don’t have children. The life I expected to live never came to be. However, I enjoy working as president of a nonprofit, volunteering with the homeless, and spending time with my closest friends.

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Sometimes I am lonely. It is during these times that I feel the need to interact with others even if I’d prefer to be spending time alone. I made an unwavering commitment to attend church, and have over my past thirteen years since my diagnosis. Sometimes, it is challenging and discouraging to volunteer in the community, but I choose to volunteer anyway, especially on holidays, even if I’m not in the mood to reach out and spend time with others.

The COVID-19 crisis had brought on another era of loneliness in my life, and I worry about others who are lonely as well. I haven’t seen many of my close friends one-on-one for the past few months. Fortunately, we have been texting, messaging, and keeping up via phone calls. I have been living with my parents and enjoy their companionship, though I miss regular life.

I am thankful that schizophrenia is behind me and that I now have many authentic friends in my life, instead of relying on imaginary friends. I am grateful for the medication I have taken for 12 years, which has taken away the paranoia that prevented me from engaging in normal relationships. Today, I recognize how important it is to be a friend to others who struggle with severe mental illness as I have.

I resolve to maintain the busiest social life I can, using personal protective equipment as appropriate, in order to stay mentally healthy despite the risk of infection.