How to Listen With Empathy

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I had the pleasure of attending a picnic with the late Jon Westling about a decade after his tenure as president of Boston University. Our conversation naturally turned to student persistence, and he shared how students who withdrew from BU overwhelmingly cited finances as the reason. Yet, he always suspected that money, while likely an issue, served as an unassailable excuse to cover up a deeper need that was going unmet by the university.

My agreement with Mr. Westling has only strengthened in the years since our paths crossed. The discussion of needs in higher education usually centers on resources (e.g., money, a computer, a car, childcare) and aptitudes (e.g., basic algebra, time management, computer skills). Rarely do we discuss how college can and must fulfill students’ psychological needs, if we expect them to persist and flourish.

What are students’ psychological needs? There are multiple theories and models related to this question, including:

• Hierarchy of needs: safety & security, love & belonging, self-esteem, self-actualization
• Self-determination theory: autonomy, competence, relatedness
• Consistency theory: attachment, control, pleasure, self-enhancement

The model itself doesn’t matter as much as the acknowledgement that we’re all constantly striving for experiences that meet our psychological needs, and going to college is no exception. So how do we bring students’ needs into our conversations about student success? We start by listening with empathy.

Listening with empathy

Marshall B. Rosenberg, author of the book Nonviolent Communication, defines empathic listening as the “respectful understanding of what others are experiencing,” which can only be achieved by being “wholly present with the other party.” I believe the need for empathic listening is what Mr. Westling was sensing that BU needed when students withdrew in order to truly understand how their needs had not been met. Unfortunately, there are several well-intentioned ways in which we fail to be present with students who come to us for support.

Sympathizing. One common response is to console or shut down students’ negative feelings (by saying, for example, “don’t feel bad about your grades, you tried your best”). It’s normal to want people to feel happy! But sympathizing seeks to improve students’ mood regardless of their experience, and often comes more from our own discomfort than genuine caring. Relatedly, we’ll also norm the experience (“don’t worry, it happens to everybody”), which can backfire by minimizing what students are feeling or needing.

Relating. Another common strategy is to relate to students through our own stories of challenge, failure, and resilience (“you know, I nearly quit after my first semester of college”). Although each of the models noted above include the need for connection, storytelling forces the student to be present with us more so than the other way around. We also risk creating a divide if our attempt to relate is interpreted as inappropriate or “one-upping.”

Explaining. It’s easy to take “understanding of what others are experiencing” as a call to interrogate students. (“Did you do the FAFSA? Did you apply for scholarships? Are you keeping a budget?”) There’s an important distinction, however, between seeking clarification and fact finding: While the former focuses on students’ interpretations of their experience, the latter excludes feelings and needs from the conversation and can be easily heard as blaming students for their own struggles.

Advising. If you’re reading this, “advisor” might be part of your job description, perhaps even your title. But diving headfirst into problem solving is probably our greatest sin because “believing we have to ‘fix’ situations and make others feel better prevents us from being present.” There will come a point when the student needs your advice and guidance, but leaping there without establishing empathy can come off as uncaring.

Empathy Essential Reads

The 6 Essential Aspects of Empathy

The Mystery of Human Kindness

How to listen with empathy

It’s easy for me to tell you what not to do; but how can you be present with students? Finding empathy involves listening for four things: observations, feelings, needs, and requests.

Observations. Get a sense of what happened to students in a concrete, non-judgmental way. Students often say things like “this place sucks” or “the professors are unfair.” Questions that clarify students’ perspective (“what have you experienced on campus that you didn’t like?”) will keep the spotlight on them and help you to hear students’ feelings and needs.

Feelings. Students will respond positively if you acknowledge the importance of their emotions without trying to boost their mood or solve their problem. When students use vague language, like feeling “bad,” or “crappy,” gently help them to name a specific feeling. (“Would you say that experience made you angry? Frustrated? Lonely?”) Identifying an emotion will make it easier to discuss what fundamental need(s) are going unmet.

Needs. Dr. Vincent Tinto’s seminal theory on student departure places students’ institutional commitment at the core of retention. Commitment, in turn, comes from students feeling like they belong and matter to the college. At the risk of oversimplifying, I believe most reasons why students drop out are manifestations of an unmet need for relatedness. For example, withdrawing for financial reasons may be less about having money and more about how poverty indicates a student doesn’t belong at a place like BU. Other prominent needs to listen for pertain to competence or safety.

Requests. If you’ve succeeded at empathic listening, you’ll now know the student’s observations, feelings, and needs, and (perhaps most importantly) they’ll know that you know. Here is when you can discuss what specific, positive actions would motivate the student to persist. (“What would the college have to do to bring you back for another semester?”) Many of us hesitate at this step because of our own unmet needs for autonomy at work. (“I don’t have the power to do this.”) But even arriving at this place may be beneficial by making students feel seen and acknowledged.

Practice, practice, practice

Empathic listening is not just useful for student advising. These strategies are meant to help improve communication and resolve conflicts with partners, children, parents, coworkers, and more. I, myself, am just beginning to learn to listen with empathy, and I encourage you to practice when and where the opportunity arises. With time, you’ll be more present with students who need your support, better able to understand their experiences on campus, and ready to help them persist even when they think their mind is made up to quit.