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Over the last few months, the recent cheating scandal (or “Scandoval”) on Bravo’s reality TV show "Vanderpump Rules" took us reality television viewers by storm. We watched what had previously been considered a “power couple” instantaneously combust after Ariana Madix found out that her partner of nine years, Tom Sandoval, had been having an affair with her “best friend,” Raquel Leviss, for months.
The scandal has become a pop culture obsession and the outcry and condemnation from viewers has been wild. This event has even made headlines across major media platforms including CNN and Time magazine.
While I found myself (like most) on “Team Ariana” for the last two and a half months, the season 10 reunion finale made me feel icky. For a good portion of the reunion, cast members were screaming at Raquel. They were demeaning towards her, yelling insult after insult—to the point where it felt unbearable to watch.
Although I still believe that both Tom and Raquel are at fault and should be held accountable for the affair and months of deceit, to me, the response felt excessive and cruel. And after viewing the one-on-one interview with Raquel, I felt even more compassion, especially in light of her past relationship.
For years, viewers witnessed Raquel navigate her tumultuous relationship with her previous partner James Kennedy (another cast member). There were multiple times viewers witnessed him being controlling and verbally aggressive, including sending her text messages calling her a “whore” and “slut,” without ever apparently being held accountable. The behavior was disturbing and many viewers argue that it crossed the line into emotional abuse.
As a therapist who specializes in supporting individuals healing from abusive relationships, emotional and verbal abuse, and the resulting trauma, can have significant and lasting effects on one’s mental health and future relationships. Here's what everyone should know.
4 Things to Know About Emotional Abuse and Mental Health
- Emotional abuse can negatively impact your sense of self-worth. When you have been name-called, belittled, and berated over an extended period of time, it can take a toll on your self-worth. It’s common for survivors of emotional abuse to internalize the words and statements of the abuser, resulting in them forming their own negative core beliefs about themselves. For example, if you have been called “lazy” repeatedly, you might start to truly believe that you are lazy even when there is no real proof or evidence of this.
- Emotional abuse can result in isolation. When your partner is jealous and possessive, it can make it difficult for you to live your life freely and on your own terms. Oftentimes, in an emotionally abusive relationship, the abuser will use guilt to prevent their partner from seeing and maintaining relationships with friends and family. Many individuals who have been emotionally abused become unintentionally recluse and isolated, making it difficult for them to relate to others or feel confident in social situations.
- Emotional abuse can result in self-doubt. When your partner consistently questions your intelligence or scrutinizes everything you do, you often start to doubt yourself and your own judgment. Victims of emotional abuse tend to lose confidence in their ability to make decisions and/or problem-solve. They often believe that their partners have all the answers and feel the need to run things by them because they don’t trust themselves. As a result, even after leaving an emotionally abusive relationship, it can be difficult to overcome this perceived helplessness and navigate situations with confidence and self-assurance.
- Emotional abuse can result in emotional suppression. When you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, your thoughts and feelings are typically dismissed or seen as irrelevant. And when your emotions are regularly invalidated, it’s common to start suppressing your feelings altogether or even dissociating to further protect yourself from being hurt. Even after leaving an emotionally abusive relationship, survivors will often struggle with emotional expression and continue to suppress their feelings. This learned behavior and survival tactic can become habitual and bleed into other relationships and interpersonal interactions.
So, here's my plea to you: While we do not have to excuse certain behaviors like cheating or lying, it is important to consider context and practice compassion towards others. The trauma that accompanies abusive relationships often has lasting effects on one’s mental health and identity and can take time to heal and overcome.
