Unlearning Blame-Taking

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Blame-taking is when we take fault for someone else’s poor or abusive behavior, decisions, and choices. For example, say your partner calls you names or berates you, and you take the blame, attributing it to upsetting them in some capacity or making a mistake. Basically, blame-taking is a defense mechanism that is used to justify or explain away the egregious behavior of someone we love or care for. It becomes a means of preserving the image we once had of another person or the image we want to continue to uphold. It helps us to avoid taking action (like ending a relationship that may be unhealthy) or grieving a person or relationship that is important to us.

Dangers of Blame-Taking

While it may be tempting to engage in blame-taking as a means of avoiding conflict or to keep the peace, blame-taking can be dangerous. It can be dangerous because when we take blame for anything and everything, we are ultimately denying our right to a healthy and balanced relationship. When blame-taking becomes a pattern, we are at risk of internalizing these stories of blame (i.e., the “it’s my fault” or “I’m responsible” story), which can compromise our self-esteem and sense of self-worth. It can also make it incredibly difficult for us to assert ourselves and set boundaries.

It’s important to remember that every relationship (romantic or platonic) is a two-way street. Both individuals are responsible for their own behavior and how they respond to conflict.

4 Things to Consider

Here are four things to consider before you take on blame:

1. Shift your perspective. Because it can be difficult to maintain complete objectivity when examining our own personal relationships, try considering how you would feel if a close friend or loved one was taking the blame for any abuse or mistreatment they were experiencing by a partner or friend. Would you find this blame-taking fair or just? Or would you want this person to hold the other accountable and to stand up for themselves?
2. Determine the long-term effects of blame-taking. Consider how blame-taking makes you feel both about yourself and the relationship. Does it make you feel better or worse? Will blame-taking motivate the other person to change their behavior, or will it enable their behavior? Chances are if you continue to take on the blame and excuse the behavior, nothing will change.
3. Reflect on your impulse to blame yourself and consider where it may have originated from. Is this knee-jerk response to apologize and take fault connected to earlier childhood experiences or past trauma? For example, if you were the oldest child in your family, you may have assumed more responsibility than you should have. Or maybe you were made to be the scapegoat by a previous partner, family member, or boss. So, while you may have over-apologized in the past, that doesn’t mean you have to apologize and take fault for everything in your current relationships and in the future. You can unlearn this behavior!
4. Consider an alternative response. What is another response you can engage in instead of blame-taking? Instead of saying “sorry” automatically, what if you responded with, “It sounds like you’re really upset right now.” Or maybe you set a boundary and assert your limits with a firm statement such as, “You cannot talk to me that way and blame me for how you react.”