Demystifying Polyamory

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The bulk of the clinical work that I do in my practice is supporting clients in navigating dating and relationships and healing from unhealthy or abusive relationships. I love this work and have found my niche but have also become more aware of some of my blind spots as a therapist—one of them previously being my lack of familiarity with polyamory. I know I am not alone in this and that many (if not most) therapists also have a limited understanding of polyamory. As a result, like most things we lack knowledge of, it is easy to fall victim to personal judgments and implicit biases that can negatively impact the work we do with our clients who are seeking support. In a recent conversation with Rachel Krantz, the author of Open: An Uncensored Memoir of Love, Liberation and Non-Monogamy, she expressed similar concerns and stated that “there is seemingly no education about it” for therapists.

While mental health professionals are trained to withhold judgment, maintain open-mindedness, and demonstrate unconditional positive regard towards clients, polyamory continues to be mystified, and consequently, stigmatized and pathologized. Generalizations are often made and myths are reinforced based on the very limited experiences and brief encounters that therapists have had in their practice. For example, according to Krantz, one of the most widely held misconceptions about polyamory is that it is “just about sex” or for “oversexualized greedy people.” This leads to misinformed interventions and further marginalizing individuals that are already marginalized in many ways. Many individuals whom I have spoken to have identified ignorance as a major problem and barrier in accessing effective mental health treatment and support simply because of the number of partners they have or their identity as being “poly.”

So, in an effort to demystify polyamory, here is a brief breakdown of what it is. Polyamory, also termed “consensual non-monogamy,” is the practice of being in more than one intimate relationship at the same time. In polyamorous relationships, all parties involved are consenting and knowledgeable about the existing relationships and there is an expectation of transparency throughout the course of these relationships. Krantz emphasized this and explained, “Both parties are consenting to it and there is honesty going around.” Many individuals enter poly relationships due to having needs that they believe cannot be fulfilled in any one relationship—and these needs may or may not be related to sex and physical intimacy.

Just like in a monogamous relationship, in a healthy poly relationship, the terms of the relationship are mutually agreed upon by both partners and boundaries are communicated and respected. And, just like monogamous relationships, polyamorous relationships can also have “flavors of abuse in them.” Krantz also emphasized that non-monogamy is “a very wide spectrum” and pointed out that “dating is a form of non-monogamy.” So, it is important that we don’t paint all polyamorous relationships with the same brush, as dynamics can vary and differ from relationship to relationship.

While I am not preaching that we all become “poly experts,” polyamorous relationships are not uncommon, and we as mental health providers need to do better. We need to seek out training and education to both familiarize ourselves with poly relationships, as well as become more competent in our practices in working with clients that identify as poly. We also need to practice more self-awareness and recognize when we might have implicit biases so that we do not treat any client differently just because they identify as poly versus monogamous.

For more information and to further educate yourself, I highly encourage you to read Rachel Krantz’s book, Open, in which she shares her own personal experiences and references many of the leading experts in this field of study.