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Relationships
What "The Bachelor" Teaches Us Not to Do in a Relationship
Challenging the assumptions and unrealistic expectations.
Posted January 24, 2021
I have been watching The Bachelor and The Bachelorette since college although I am not necessarily proud of it. Time and again, I have vowed to stop, yet here we are. The feminist in me believes that this show perpetuates the objectification of women and extremely outdated gender roles and constructs. However, the Millennial in me gravitates toward this bizarre social experiment and finds it both entertaining and psychologically intriguing. But while I have conflicting feelings about the franchise, there are some takeaways for this modern era of dating—mostly what not to do.
1. Do not drop EVERYTHING for a partner or relationship.
The Bachelor requires its singles to drop or “sacrifice everything” in the name of love. They are sequestered and devote 6 weeks of their life to the bubble. While I am sure a lot of us would love a 6-week break from life, most of us will never have the privilege to do so. And even if we did, real relationships do not exist in a vacuum. In the real world, we have jobs and personal lives outside of dating. We have bills to pay, appointments to schedule, work, a social life, and family obligations. Sometimes we have children whom we share custody of or co-parent, or medical issues to tend to. We all have a lot going on and a lot of things that need our attention. So, it would be pretty unrealistic for any of us to be required to drop everything to date a new person or pursue a new relationship.
Unfortunately, it happens all too often that a person finds themselves in a new relationship that takes up all of their time, energy, and emotion. And this typically does not end well. When you consume yourself entirely with a relationship, it can become incredibly easy to neglect other needs or aspects of your life. I have seen many individuals lose themselves in a relationship or find themselves completely isolated. In a healthy relationship, you have more balance. You have an identity both as an individual and as a partner. You are able to be present and intentional with the time you do spend with a prospective or new partner, while also tending to your own needs and the things that matter most to you.
2. Do not chase or compete for a prospective partner.
We should never have to “prove” our worthiness to anyone. But this is the entire premise of The Bachelor/Bachelorette and it is normalized by suggesting that this is just part of “the journey.” Our culture perpetuates the need to “win” and “achieve.” For a lot of singles, if it's “too easy” there tends to be an assumption that something must be wrong; this often results in an immediate loss of interest. Think about it: All of the classic sitcoms and romcom movies have that “will they, won't they” dynamic. If a relationship is too easy or happens without much effort, it can feel less exciting.
But games don’t tend to result in long-term successful relationships — which could explain why the “success” rate of The Bachelor/Bachelorette ranges somewhere between 11 and 30 percent. Games often cause anxiety, insecurity, distrust, and feelings of uncertainty. Relationships require trust: How can that be established when it is one-sided or is the outcome of a game? In a healthy relationship, both individuals put in equal effort.
3. Do not mistake lust and intimacy for love.
How many hot tub and make-out scenes do we see on this show, typically followed by one or both individuals gushing about their connection and how they are “falling in love” with the other person? I am not saying this is completely impossible but let’s break it down: When we are intimate with another person — whether hand-holding, hugging, making out, or having sex — our brain produces oxytocin, otherwise known as the “love hormone.” It makes us feel connected and bonded to another person. So, while it may feel like love, there is the possibility that oxytocin is playing the major part.
In addition to the frequent and intense physical contact, emotional intimacy is also established early on. This usually takes place during the very first “one-on-one” date, when one of the prospective partners of the lead divulges very “personal” information in an attempt to be “vulnerable.” This information could be a childhood trauma, the loss of a loved one, a past failed relationship or marriage, or a mental health struggle. And often the individual sharing the information is emotional and expresses how challenging it is to open up — rightfully so on a first date or with a person you met 15 minutes ago. But this sharing creates a sense of closeness because one feels seen and understood, even if it is not reciprocated.
While self-disclosure and being vulnerable is incredibly important in a relationship, this typically happens over time and when one feels safe. Brené Brown, who has extensively studied and written about the impacts of vulnerability, insists that “you share with people who've earned the right to hear your story.” This makes complete sense; vulnerability requires courage and sometimes poses emotional risk.
Basically, a strong and healthy relationship takes time. So does falling in love. You don’t have to rush into anything. Let things happen naturally. Consider the pace and your level of comfort, and check in with yourself. Ask yourself, “Is this love or lust?” Or, "Do I feel safe or comfortable sharing so much with this new person?” If you are not ready, or not in a mental space to be vulnerable, or you're uncertain about your feelings toward a new partner, that is okay.
4. Do not get carried away by the fireworks.
The Bachelor/Bachelorette is known for its fireworks, both literal and figurative. Dates are typically over-the-top and high in adventure and novelty. Often the couple experiences a surge of adrenaline after climbing a skyscraper or breaking some sort of obscure world record. These exciting dates reflect Western expectations for dating and relationships. We have been socialized to believe that love should be earth-shattering. It has been suggested that we will see fireworks when we fall in love and that there should be deep passion. We are also pleasure-seeking animals: We love feeling good and tend to seek experiences that give us a high. And we try to avoid the lows and sometimes even the mundane everyday life stuff because it is not as exciting.
While relationships (at any stage) can be exciting and fun, in reality, we still have to do life. We still have to have difficult conversations and determine long-term compatibility. We will still have to have disagreements and face conflict, grieve, go grocery shopping, parent, and talk about finances. It is unrealistic to expect every day with your partner to be rainbows and butterflies. Things will not always be fun and exciting, but that is healthy and normal in a long-term, successful relationship.
Facebook image: Kaspars Grinvalds/Shutterstock
