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Pursuing a relationship during COVID-19 is not the most convenient, as dating typically involves some social activity (meeting up for drinks, coffee, dinner). So under the current circumstances, there are a plethora of limitations and challenges and you have to be a bit more creative. But what this pandemic has also interestingly brought to light within the dating world is the concept of “consent.”
I think most of us have come to associate this concept with sex and intimacy, but as singles pursue new relationships during this unique time, there are so many instances and situations in which “consent” could and should be practiced or considered. And a lot of people are having a difficult time navigating this—dating while having to account for social distancing and safety.
Communication in the realm of dating is already difficult for many millennials and Gen Zs. There is a great deal of avoidance, lack of directness, and discomfort in having certain conversations or even talking over the phone. So of course it feels “awkward” for many singles to have any conversation that requires one to express what one is or is not comfortable with or to assert boundaries or parameters before they have even met this person.
If you are struggling with this, know that you are absolutely not alone. But also know that you have every right to express what you are willing to do/not do and that your concerns are always valid and should be heard and addressed.
First and foremost, we should probably break down the concept of “consent.” When someone is giving their “consent,” they are essentially giving their permission or agreeing to a situation in which they understand the terms. And (in an ideal world) one should always be given the opportunity to make an “informed” decision (to consent or decline) after they have all of the facts and know the potential risks and rewards. This can be applied to most of the decisions that we as adults must make every day (i.e., “Yes, I will add avocado for an additional cost,” or “ No, I am not interested in completing a brief survey.”) We give and ask for consent all the time. However, when it comes to relationships, especially new ones, many singles find it uncomfortable to assert and express their needs. Pandemic or not, what you are comfortable or not comfortable with does matter. And if someone is unwilling to a) hear you out and/or b) respect your wishes/level of comfort, then that is on them and you are probably better off without this person in your life.
Let's break down “consent” as it relates to dating during this surreal time of COVID-19:
- Small talk and first dates. As mentioned in a previous post, the first phase of dating typically involves messaging or texting back and forth and then initiating an in-person date. You match with or meet someone, you have a brief back and forth and then someone typically initiates a date. But in the midst of a pandemic, what if either party isn’t comfortable with an in-person date? And do you establish if this will be a socially distanced date? Masks on or masks off? What if you aren’t comfortable meeting a complete stranger in person during a time like this and would prefer a phone call or video call initially? Again, these are all things to consider. Something that most of us have learned during the past few months is that everyone has their own level of comfort in regards to social interactions and gatherings. So how might you navigate this? You need to communicate! If you prefer to meet outdoors and stand or sit 6 feet apart, that is 100% your prerogative and you can and should express this. Or if you don’t mind going out to dinner but aren’t sure how the other person feels, you can ask. Be intentional and have an open and honest conversation about the type of interaction/date you are willing to participate in.
- Kissing and intimacy. Everyone has their own take on the timing of intimacy. Some singles are open or even expecting the first kiss to occur on the first date, while others may need one, two, or six dates to feel comfortable kissing this new person. Some people are OK with having sex on the first date or after a handful of dates, while others prefer to wait it out. There is a lot of variation when it comes to preferences with intimacy. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. But, it is so incredibly important for both parties to be on the same page. Of course, now during this time of coronavirus, there is an added layer of concern and hesitancy to have any type of physical contact with a new person. So again, there needs to be dialogue and open line of communication. You can always ask! “Can I give you a hug?” or “Are you comfortable kissing?”
- Meeting friends and family. Another aspect of dating involves engaging in social gatherings or events together. Regardless of COVID-19, this is also a situation in which people can have differences in expectations. People often consider timing or the stage of a new relationship prior to meeting another person’s friends or family—which is understandable. And then when you have to consider the coronavirus and social distancing, it gets trickier. While one person may feel comfortable hanging out with friends and meeting new people, the person they are dating might not. Or someone might be open to meeting new people and attending social gatherings, as long as it is outdoors and they can maintain a reasonable distance. This is another example of how two individuals’ preferences and levels of comfort may differ and should be discussed. So have a check-in and be candid with one another. Discuss what is on the table or off the table, or what either party would need to feel comfortable in a social situation.
In a healthy and mutually respectful relationship (a relationship of any kind really), both individuals should be able to express their expectations and boundaries. While this may seem obvious or straightforward, so many singles are having a difficult time being upfront and having these conversations. This makes sense, as when you are newly involved with someone, you are still getting to know one another and feeling each other out. You may experience anxiety or even fear of how the other person might respond to certain questions or topics. Despite the uncertainty, remember to stay true to yourself and what is important to you. If a new person in your life questions or challenges that, that is indicative of who that person is and their ability to respect your needs and wants. So get out there and communicate and assert yourself. Regardless of the circumstances, your needs are important and always matter.
