The Perils of Trusting Our Gut in Relationships

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We are often advised to go with our gut and trust our intuition, especially in our relationships. This advice permeates our decision-making processes, influencing how we choose romantic partners, friends, business associates, community affiliations, and even political candidates. However, while following our instincts may feel natural and even comforting, this approach frequently leads to devastating results.

When it comes to romantic relationships, we tend to believe that “the one” will cause us to experience butterflies in our stomach. We pick friends based on our intuitions, gravitating toward those with whom we click instantly and have easy, comfortable conversations. In business, we often decide who to partner with or hire by evaluating our gut reactions, trusting those who intuitively seem deserving. Our choices of religious or secular communities, as well as our political endorsements, are similarly driven by our instincts. The famous “beer test”—deciding which political candidate we’d rather have a beer with—is a prime example of this intuitive decision-making process.

Gut Feelings in Relationships

Sadly, this reliance on gut feelings often leads to poor outcomes in our relationships. Consider the alarming statistic that over 40 percent of marriages end in divorce. Trusting our intuitions and choosing partners based on that initial fluttery sensation can contribute significantly to this high rate. Studies indicate that our first impressions are frequently wrong, leading to mismatched partnerships that unravel over time.

Friendships are not immune to the pitfalls of intuition either. Miscommunications and misunderstandings, often stemming from gut responses to what our friends share, can result in unnecessary fights, hurt feelings, and even friendship breakups. The ease and comfort we initially felt can quickly turn into discord when gut reactions mislead us.

In the business world, relying on gut feelings can foster discriminatory practices and damage professional relationships. For example, a study found that recruiters with strong negative implicit associations toward Arab-Muslim men were less likely to offer them interviews. Another study revealed that excessively risk-averse employers were less likely to hire gay men. These biases, driven by intuitive judgments, create barriers to fair and equitable hiring practices.

Political decision-making is equally fraught with the dangers of intuitive thinking. Choosing candidates based on personal likability rather than policy effectiveness can lead to suboptimal governance. The preference for candidates we’d rather have a beer with over those who would formulate the best policies for our country exemplifies this issue.

Cognitive Biases in Relationships

The root of these problems lies in systematic and predictable judgment errors known as “cognitive biases.” Behavioral science has identified numerous cognitive biases that distort our perceptions and decision-making processes, often leading us astray. Understanding these biases and strategies for mitigating their impact on our relationships is crucial for making better decisions.

Cognitive biases are mental shortcuts that our brains use to process information quickly. While these shortcuts can be helpful in certain situations, they often lead to errors in judgment. For instance, the “halo effect” causes us to overestimate a person's positive qualities based on a single favorable trait. Conversely, the “horn effect” leads us to judge someone negatively based on a single unfavorable trait. These biases can skew our perceptions and lead to poor relationship choices.

To protect our relationships from the dangers of cognitive biases, we need to develop strategies for recognizing and countering them. One effective approach is to engage in “cognitive debiasing,” which involves actively questioning our initial impressions and seeking out objective information. This might mean taking the time to get to know someone beyond the first impression, considering their actions and character over a longer period.

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Another strategy is to diversify our sources of information and perspectives. By exposing ourselves to different viewpoints and experiences, we can reduce the influence of our biases and make more balanced decisions. This is particularly important in professional settings, where diverse teams are more likely to make innovative and effective decisions.

Ultimately, while trusting our gut might feel instinctively right, it often leads to errors in judgment that can harm our relationships. By understanding the cognitive biases that drive our intuitive decisions and adopting strategies to mitigate their impact, we can make better choices and build stronger, more fulfilling relationships. Embracing a more analytical and evidence-based approach to decision-making can help us avoid the pitfalls of intuition and lead to more successful personal and professional interactions.

A version of this post was published on disasteravoidanceexperts.com.