Is Anyone Happy With Their Sex Life?

Compatibility matters at all levels, including sex frequency.

Source: Vitaliy Izonin / Pexels

Are you content with the frequency of your sexual activity? If not, you're far from alone. According to the findings from the Are We Doing It Enough? Sex Frequency and Satisfaction report by the Center for Researching and Understanding Sexual Health (CRUSH), dissatisfaction with the frequency of physical intimacy is prominent, spanning across various cultures such as race, gender, age, sexual orientation, and marital status.

In fact, some 43% of individuals express dissatisfaction with how often they engage in sexual activity. And it doesn't get better: Of those dissatisfied, 97% want their sex frequency to increase.

In a previous post, I noted that while most individuals (70%) engage in sexual activity at least once a month, there is a prevalent desire among heterosexual, gay, lesbian, bisexual, and queer individuals to increase the frequency. For instance, 62% of heterosexual individuals aspire to engage in sexual activity 1-3 times per week, with nearly a quarter aiming for 4-7 times per week. The trend holds for gay, lesbian, bisexual, and queer individuals, albeit with slight variations in percentages.

Across racial demographics, the desire to increase sexual frequency is consistent, with at least 60% of African Americans and European Americans expressing a wish to engage in sexual activity 1-3 times per week. A significant portion of African Americans (30%) and Latinx (25%) Americans also express a desire for more frequent intimacy.

Contrary to stereotypes, research indicates that both men and women desire increased sexual activity, with approximately 58% of men and 60% of women expressing a desire for intimacy 1-3 times per week. However, preferences diverge beyond this point, with a higher percentage of men (37%) expressing a desire for 4-7 times per week compared to women (20%).

Interestingly, a substantial portion (over 40%) of individuals aged 25-34 express a desire for intimacy 4-7 times per week, suggesting shifting norms and expectations surrounding sexual activity. Perhaps 30 is the new 20.

If you find yourself among the 97% seeking to increase your intimate life, consider the following insights from the research:

1. Create space for more intimacy. It's a pretty big deal that nearly half of people are dissatisfied with how often they have sex, and almost all of them want to increase it. We all have busy lives, but we also have to make sure that we prioritize creating space for more intimacy in our lives, recognizing the significance of this aspect of romantic relationships. If it works for you, try scheduling sex. I highlighted the pros and cons of doing this in an earlier post.

2. Compatibility matters. We think that compatibility matters when it comes to likes and dislikes in the bedroom, and it does. It's always nice when both partners like a little pain or both partners hate foreplay. But compatibility also matters when it comes to sexual frequency: sexual desire, sexual likes, sexual dislikes, sexual preferences, sexual compatibility—it all matters. We have to connect with our partners on all levels sexually. Someone can be great in bed, but if they are only interested in engaging in sex once per month, that greatness is rarely experienced by the partner who wants to have sex five times per week.

3. Sex frequency needs will change. Recognize that sexual frequency needs are dynamic and influenced by various factors, necessitating flexibility and open communication with your partner. Some of these factors include age, ovulation, menstruation, and menopause; pregnancy and nursing; erectile function; stress; physical decline or illness; mental health challenges; and more.

Furthermore, there are times when these needs change without warning or reason. This can be difficult for a partner used to intimacy at a certain frequency. Imagine decreasing from 4-5 times per week to 1-2 times per week. This can feel major for your partner and you.

Therefore, it's important that we are flexible with ourselves and our partners. There may be a season when your partner needs less sex, but that may change. In fact, many women in their 40s indicate that they were pleasantly surprised with the increase in their sex drive. Have an open dialog about what fulfills your needs as a sexual being.

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4. Take the pressure off. Don't be so focused on the quantity that you miss the quality. Is your intimate time also quality time when you experience the pleasure that you want? If not, it doesn't matter how many times per week you have sex. As with most things in life, you don't want to forgo quality for quantity.

The good news is that we all have the power to control our sexual frequency. Having a conversation with your partner about how to meet in the middle and what satisfies you can start the ball rolling. It may take a few conversations because change is hard for many people, but it's not impossible to find a happy medium.

And, if your partner is unwilling to compromise, it's worth looking at other ways to get your needs met, without violating your relationship contract or finding another partner.