3 Puzzling Activities That Enhance Sexual Satisfaction

“God gave men both a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.” —Robin Williams

Various sexual interactions, intended to enhance sexual satisfaction, are puzzling, since at first glance, they seem to do the opposite. Three of these activities include making love with closed eyes, screaming and moaning during sex, and avoiding kissing in casual sex. Eye contact is crucial when building intimacy, kissing is essential to sex and noise is typically disturbing. So why are these activities a turn-on?

Making Love With Closed Eyes

“The sexiest part of the body is the eyes. That's what I believe.” —Clive Owen

The eyes are essential for perceiving and understanding another; accordingly, St. Augustine called the eyes "the windows to the soul." However, whereas eye contact builds intimacy, sex in the dark remains a preferred choice. Don’t people want to build intimacy during sex?

Eyes closed

Source: pexels-anastasia-shuraeva-4765138

The puzzle

“My wife wants to put mirrors in our bedroom, but when we have sex, she turns off the lights, closes her eyes and tells me not to look at her." —Unknown

The essential role of eye contact in romantic interactions seems contrary to the habit of closed eyes during sex. Indeed, it was found that exposure to light helps boost men’s levels of testosterone and increases sexual satisfaction (Koukouna et al., 2016). Further evidence for the essential role of the eyes in sexual arousal comes from studies suggesting that pupil dilation is a strong indication of greater sexual interest (Attard-Johnson et al., 2021), and that direct gaze is an important social cue that signals another person’s interest and willingness to engage in social interaction (Strick et al., 2008).

Explaining the puzzle

“If my eyes are open, I get distracted. The exception is when we’re doing it sweet and slow, and it’s more about the intimacy and connection than the physical sensation — we’ll look into each other’s eyes for a while.” —A woman

In closing our eyes, we shut down one of the senses in order to enhance fantasies, central to sex. Both opening and closing our eyes are useful for increasing sexual excitement. Opening the eyes enables seeing the love in them and closing them is useful for avoiding distraction and for “being present.” One such combination is, as one woman said, “My eyes naturally close as I'm approaching orgasm.” A relevant finding indicates that object desirability is enhanced not by attractive faces per se, but only by attractive faces with a direct gaze, signaling the social significance of the event (Strick et al., 2008). The combination of these two features may also explain the combination of closing and opening the eyes during sex.

Moaning and Shouting During Sex

"From beginning to end, I love the sexy voice exchange; the whispers and purrs with heavy sighs of intensity and the sweet moaning of pleasure.” —A woman

Screams and moans usually express pain and suffering. But is such noise essential to pleasurable sexual experiences, or is it a price for sexual satisfaction?

The puzzle

"Girls who moan are so sexy; silence is a turn-off." —A man

Many people associate moaning and screaming with pain. Why, then, should people make these noises while wishing to experience sexual pleasure? Are we not embarrassed to have such sounds coming out of our mouths?

Explaining the puzzle

“I need to hear moans. I need to know I'm doing the right things.” —A woman

Like many romantic experiences, sexual experiences can be ambivalent, involving both pleasure and pain. One benefit of sexual noises is demonstrating that our partner is not indifferent. Thus, one study found that many people moan to speed up their partner’s orgasm or to pretend they are reaching their peak (Brewer & Hendrie, 2011). Being silent may make your partner doubt whether you enjoy the sex. Indeed, sexy voices have a greater impact on sexual attraction than physical appearance and similarly, being sexy is more attractive than being beautiful. Although noise may be useful in sex, it is not the case that the more noise you make, the better sex you will have. The right balance is vital. Too much noise may make your partner doubt your sincerity; moreover, many people just cannot stand screaming—in bed or anywhere else.

Why Some People Refuse to Kiss During Casual Sex

“If there is no profound intimacy, I cannot kiss men during casual sex; they are human vibrators for my sexual release.” —A woman

Most people consider kissing as essential to sex, but in casual and commercial sex, some avoid it altogether. While some sex workers refuse kissing, others do it in order to provide a facsimile of relationship intimacy. In casual sex, people may eschew kissing because they don't want to feel intimacy.

The puzzle

“My best, most passionate kiss, where we used open wet lips and tongues, was during casual sex.” —A woman

Kissing is associated with sexual satisfaction. Why then, should people avoid kissing during casual sex? Do they want to enjoy sex less?

Explaining the puzzle

“In casual sex, I allow men to cuddle and kiss me anywhere on my body but my mouth, which is disgusting!!”—A woman

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Unlike the classic song saying, “A kiss is just a kiss,” suggesting the insignificant nature of kissing, studies indicate that kissing is most valuable in assessing the quality of potential mates, maintaining bonds and increasing sexual arousal (Busby et al., 2022, 2023). In addition to its role in increasing sexual satisfaction, kissing also increases attachment and intimacy, thus enhancing relational bonds; adding tongues (French kissing) does even more so. In choosing not to kiss when having casual sex, people accept enjoying less sexual satisfaction to avoid attachment and intimacy. Avoiding kissing may additionally enhance our self-image since it suggests that despite having casual sex, we still make a point of distinguishing between sex combined with love and sex for pure physical satisfaction.

Casual sexual partners, however, are neither sex workers nor human vibrators—you neither pay them nor buy new batteries for them. Casual sexual experiences do not merely require penetration and sexual release, but are human interactions involving genuine desire, pleasure and sexual interest. We should consequently express sexual generosity and intimacy (with boundaries) (Ben-Ze’ev, 2023). We should respect and be kind to those with whom we have even superficial interactions, such as waiters, taxi drivers, insurance agents, cleaners and casual sexual partners.

Concluding remarks

"I prefer having sex with some light in the room. If it is daytime, I will dim the light a little bit by closing the curtain; in the evening, I will turn on some weak light.” —A woman

“I don't mind a little noise, but if it turns into full-blown screaming, I would not respond positively.” —A man

“I had sex without kissing once, and I said, never again. For me kissing during sex sets the mood, and without it, I'm not in the right mindset.” —A woman

Closing your eyes, screaming and avoiding kissing are puzzling activities. Nevertheless, they enhance the impact of factors such as change, uncertainty and ambiguity, which increase sexual satisfaction. As the above citations indicate, these activities should be moderate and balanced. People can enjoy them, but they should be attuned to the partner’s wishes, and not overdo them. Like a romantic feast, a sexual one also requires balance, even if moments of imbalance tip the scales somewhat.