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Relationships
6 Simple Questions to Strengthen Your Relationships
Here's what you may want to ask your loved ones on a regular basis.
Posted February 2, 2024 Reviewed by Tyler Woods
Key points
- We don't always know what our loved ones are really thinking and we sometimes have to guess.
- Guessing games can create anxiety and stress, which could trigger insomnia and weaken our immune system.
- It is easier to ask your loved one what you can start, continue, or stop doing to improve the relationship.
Do you always know what your loved one is really thinking, or are you often guessing? If you are often guessing, that guessing game can be stressful and can lead to unpleasant consequences.
As a physician in private practice, I have seen many patients coming to me for stress-related symptoms due to guessing.
Brenda was one such example. She and her husband had grown apart the last few months, and she didn’t know why. She was wondering if she did anything to upset him. Or was he having an affair? She was too scared to ask and became very anxious. The month before Brenda came to see me, all she could do was obsess about what could have possibly happened, and consequently, she didn’t sleep well anymore.
Two weeks prior to coming to see me, probably because she was too absorbed in her ruminating thoughts, she rear-ended the car in front of her. The morning before she came to my office, she missed a step on the sidewalk, fell, hurt her right wrist, and twisted her right ankle. On top of everything, probably because stress was weakening her immune system, her throat was starting to bother her.
I treated Brenda’s injured wrist, her twisted ankle, her insomnia, and her embryonic sore throat, but I also strongly recommended that she communicate with her husband and ask why he was so distant.
Specifically, I recommended that she ask her husband the six following questions:
- What did I do for you this past month that you really liked?
- What did I do this past month that you hated?
- What can I do in the future to make you happier?
- To improve our relationship, is there anything you would like me to start doing?
- What would you like me to continue doing that you enjoy?
- To improve our relationship, is there anything you would like me to stop doing?
I recommend that people ask those six questions to every person they care about because there is no way to know what your loved one is really thinking unless you ask. Every person is different: What somebody likes could be hated by somebody else, and guessing is sometimes impossible because people hide their emotions.
When another patient of mine asked her husband the above six questions, his answer to the first question surprised her. She thought her husband would answer that what he liked the past month was her cooking delicious dinners, baking cookies, and keeping the whole house clean for him, but that’s not what he told her. He said that what made him really happy was her dropping everything she was doing to run to the front door and welcome him back from work in the evening, kissing him and hugging him. It made him feel cherished and he loved that feeling.
She'd spent the past month expending extra time and energy doing grocery shopping, cooking, baking, and cleaning, but what was appreciated the most was a one-minute everyday action. That was a discovery she would never have guessed, and she was glad she asked the question. She decided to do more of what her husband liked.
Another reason to ask those six questions on a regular basis is that nothing stays the same. People change, work conditions change, and stressors change, so the answers to the questions above will inevitably change with time.
Asking those questions will keep you up to date with the changes in your loved one, whether that loved one is a spouse, someone you are dating, your child, your parent, or any other person you care about. Also, by making efforts to do what people appreciate, in return, your loved one might ask you the same questions and might make efforts to do more of what you appreciate.
As for Brenda, the answers to the second and sixth questions solved the mystery. Brenda’s husband told her that he hated the fact that she was controlling, always telling him what to do, how to drive, how to wash dishes, how to take the trash out, and always criticizing what he had done. He said he would be much happier if she were less controlling and more complimentary of him, which she ultimately tried to do.
So, let’s not make assumptions about what people think, and let’s ask direct questions on a regular basis.
As a result of asking direct questions, we can spend less time guessing, wondering, and ruminating over stressful hypotheses. More stress-free time will allow us to enjoy life more which will be better for our immune system, for our health in general, and for our happiness.
