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Key points
- You and your children live in different worlds (the adults and the children), but they often cross.
- Children are sensitive to changes in their parents. They can blame themselves or feel they need to fix it.
- You can help by proactively telling them how you feel letting them know you are managing the problem.
You’re going through a difficult time in your marriage, even sometimes saying the D-word.
While you’re doing a good job by not openly arguing in front of the kids, you know they can feel the tension in the house.
Your best friend suddenly passed away, and you’re in deep grief. You’re trying not to get upset in front of kids, but sometimes you just break down.
You’re having major stress on your job with deadlines and a critical boss. You’re irritable at home and find yourself snapping at the kids.
You’re having some medical issues. Doctors are not sure what is the underlying problem, but you’re worried and realize you seem more preoccupied and withdrawn.
These are common scenarios that we all can face, and we react in our own ways—withdrawal, irritability and anger, denial, or pretending that nothing has changed. While it’s important for you to have a partner, parent, or close friend from whom you can get support, your children, particularly younger children or more isolated teens, lean on you. Without the coping skills of an adult or external support, they are naturally more sensitive and derailed by what is happening with their parents.
How do you help them? Here are some guidelines to help you know what and what not to do to help your children:
Always Broadcast Your Emotions
The research shows that it is always helpful to let those close to you know your emotional state. If you haven’t slept well for three nights or had an awful day at work, let your partner, roommate, or kids know before you hit that door at the end of the day that you’re tired or irritable, and say what you need—leave me alone for an hour, take over cooking dinner, be quiet and play in your rooms so I can rest for a few minutes.
This is about being proactive, taking responsibility for your emotions, and letting others know how to help. Better yet, do this throughout the day as your mood changes. This is important for kids so they’re not on edge and automatically blaming themselves.
Consider the Children’s Ages
Infants and toddlers: They can get fussy when they sense tension in their environment—their parents’ argument makes them clingy or easily upset.
Elementary school-age children: Obviously, they’re more aware and verbal, and because of their age, naturally more self-centered and aware—easily picking up on tension or withdrawal or even parents “faking it.” But without clear information, they are apt to make up their own stories about what is happening, and unfortunately, their explanations are about them: My parents are getting divorced because I got in trouble at school; my dad’s irritable because he’s mad that I yelled at my brother. If they are the oldest or only children, they can also start to feel responsible for helping the struggling parent.
Teens: While teens have a more adult view of reality, they are still prone to blaming themselves, and that pull to fix their parents’ problems can be stronger. If too overloaded by the tension, some cope by acting out—drinking, drugging, cutting, or being more argumentative or withdrawn.
Young adults: They can better set boundaries because they are usually out of the home and even more independent. That said, they’re still susceptible to feeling overly responsible or, because of their more independent perspective and busy lives, more removed.
What to Do:
Infants and toddlers. This is about creating a safe environment: Keeping the same routines, soothing them when upset, and trying not to show strong emotions around them.
School-age children. Here, you broadcast emotions, do the broad brush, and be proactive. “I know I was snappy at you last night, and I’m sorry. I’ve got some things on my mind that are bothering me, but it’s not about you. These are adult problems that I’m working to fix. I will be okay; if I seem irritable or upset, I know it’s not about you, and if you get worried, please let me know. This is not about you; there’s nothing you need to do differently."
Teens and young adults. Here, you can share more details. Again, you want to reassure them this is not about them, that you’re in charge of working on your problem, and that there’s nothing they need to do to fix you. If you want them to help out more by helping with younger kids for a while, that’s fine, but make it concrete and keep it short-term.
What Not to Do:
Pretend nothing is wrong. This confuses children—they sense tension or see problems, but it’s the elephant in the room that no one addresses. This makes people frustrated, hypervigilant, and scrambling to fix things. Again, broadcast emotions and give details appropriate to their age.
Make your child your confidant. Here, you share too much about your marriage or work problems; you’re using them as an equal, a friend or partner. A key to healthy families is having a clear hierarchy between parents and kids, even if they are young adults. Yes, there’s a fine line, but you don’t want to tell your child or teen what you would say to your best friend.
Fail to mop up. If you cross boundaries by pulling them in as a confidant or upset them because you were stressed and said something you regret, circle back and heal the wound. Take responsibility for your behavior, and help them understand the reason for your emotions or words, not as an excuse but as a way of helping them understand what makes you and adults tick.
The bottom line is don’t pull them into your adult world, but don’t leave them emotionally fending for themselves. You can not be a role model for your child, and one of the most important opportunities is showing them how you manage emotions, handle problems, and treat others when you’ve hurt their feelings.
