5 Rude Things Struggling Adult Children Say to Their Parents

The transition to adulthood can be challenging, especially for those grappling with financial instability, personal setbacks, or mental health issues. In these turbulent times, adult children may lash out at their parents, saying hurtful and disrespectful things.

Recognizing the significance of your role as a parent in understanding your adult children's struggles can help you navigate challenging conversations with empathy and composure. Here are five everyday rude things struggling adult children might say and suggested ways to respond.

1. "You don't understand what I'm going through."

Adult Child: Franchell, 27, facing career setbacks.
Parent: Maria, 54, a retired teacher.

Franchell, frustrated by her inability to find stable employment, snaps at her mother, "You don't understand what I'm going through."

Response: Maria can respond calmly, saying, "I might not fully grasp what you're experiencing right now, Franchell, but I want to understand and support you. Can we discuss what's been happening and how you're feeling?"

2. "I wish you’d stop nagging me about my life."

Adult Child: Mark, 32, is dealing with a breakup.
Parent: John, 60, a small business owner.

Overwhelmed by his recent breakup and his parents' concern, Mark retorts, "I wish you’d stop nagging me about my life."

Response: John could say, "I’m sorry if it feels like I’m nagging, Mark. I intend to help because I care about you. How can I better support you without making you feel pressured?"

3. "I can’t believe you did that; you’ve ruined everything!"

Adult Child: Elise, 29, struggling with debt.
Parent: Karen, 58, a nurse.

After a financial-aid plan falls through due to a miscommunication, Elise exclaims, "I can’t believe you did that; you’ve ruined everything!"

Response: Karen might respond, "Elise, I’m sorry if my actions have made things harder for you. Let's figure out what went wrong and how we can fix it together. I’m here to help you through this."

4. "You never listen to what I have to say."

Adult Child: David, 25, battling anxiety.
Parent: Rob, 55, a lawyer.

Feeling dismissed during a conversation about his future, David angrily declares, "You never listen to what I have to say."

Response: Rob can reply, "I’m sorry you feel that way, David. I want to understand your perspective and hear what you have to say. Can we sit down and talk about it when you’re ready?"

5. "You’ve never been there for me."

Adult Child: Sophie, 31, facing job loss.
Parent: Lynita, 59, an office manager.

Sophie, feeling isolated and unsupported after losing her job, lashes out, "You’ve never been there for me."

Response: Lynita could say, "Sophie, I’m deeply sorry that you feel I haven’t been there for you. It’s important to me to be a better support now. Let’s discuss what you need and how I can help you move forward."

Empowering Strategies for Parents

Following are some strategies I developed while researching my book, 10 Days To A Less Defiant Child. They encompass a calm, firm, noncontrolling approach that helps parents bypass fruitless power struggles.

• Stay Calm. Parents must remain calm when faced with hurtful remarks. Reacting emotionally can escalate the situation, whereas a quiet demeanor helps de-escalate tensions.
• Active listening is key. Make a conscious effort to listen to your child's concerns without interrupting. This not only shows that you value their feelings and perspectives but also encourages them to express themselves more openly.
• Validation Is a powerful tool. Help your adult child feel heard and appreciated, even if you disagree with their perspective. This can help them feel understood and less defensive, fostering more open and honest communication.
• Communicate clearly. Be sure to express your feelings and intentions clearly and calmly. Explain that your concern comes from a place of love and a desire to help.
• Don't dwell on the problem. Shift the conversation toward finding solutions together. This collaborative approach not only fosters a sense of partnership and mutual support, but it also makes your adult children feel included and part of the decision-making process.

By handling these challenging interactions with patience and understanding, parents can foster a more constructive and supportive relationship with their adult children. Embracing open communication and empathy lays the foundation for a healthier and more resilient family dynamic.

©Jeffrey Bernstein, Ph.D. All rights reserved.