Verified by 
Key points
- It is natural to feel a sense of loss when your child turns out not to be as you had imagined they would be.
- Often, we hope our children will be like us so we can emotionally connect with them more easily.
- You may feel anger at them if your child turns out to not be better in an area of personal struggle for you.
- Understanding why you had this hope for your child helps you to learn to love the child you have as they are.
Some types of losses are not of a person physically but rather are about how things can turn out differently than we wish. Disappointments entail loss. These losses can be less obvious and can impact us in more subtle ways.
Mr. Rogers said, “We all have different gifts, so we all have different ways of saying to the world who we are.” We've been hearing a lot lately from parents who are having difficulty with the ways their children are different than they had envisioned and hoped they would be.
Barbara, a 54-year-old furniture builder, sought therapy because of growing exasperation with her 12-year-old son, Thomas. While Barbara was outgoing, athletic, and very active, Thomas was a quiet introverted child who loved staying at home reading.
When Thomas was a toddler, Barbara had images of her and her son playing basketball and camping out together. Recently, they had been getting into yelling matches after Barbara cajoled Thomas into doing these things with her only to have a sullen son slow on the trail and clumsy on the court.
Barbara found herself on a daily basis short-tempered and critical of Thomas for minor things. Thomas’ grades in school had been slipping and he seemed sad these days, not just quiet.
What's Going On?
Her idealized version of a son depended on one who would be like her. For Barbara and some other parents, there may be a clash between the hoped-for child and the one they actually have.
There are many examples of how this might be. Another one is when a parent who is highly intellectual has a child who struggles academically In Barbara’s case and others, the parent feels their child is not doing things the “right” way.
Why This Often Leads to Critical Parents
For a parent in this situation, underneath the anger and criticism may be sadness about the loss of the wished-for image as well as about their difficulty connecting with a child that is so different from them. And perhaps the parent is struggling with envy of other parents whose children share their interests and natural capabilities.
Howard, now a 52-year-old father of two, had been a chubby young boy who was teased by classmates. He was determined that his children would not experience that pain. His 15-year-old daughter was naturally slim but his 10-year-old was overweight. She was teased at school and often came home crying.
Rather than being compassionate, Howard often yelled at her and questioned her about what she had been eating. Both parents came to therapy about this as it was also impacting their marriage. His wife felt upset over his treatment of their 10-year-old.
Sometimes, like for Howard, the issue troubling a parent is that their image of who their child would be included them having some quality that they themselves don’t have. Perhaps the parent was a social outcast and hoped that their child would be very popular. Perhaps, like Howard, the parent was chubby as a child, felt ashamed of that, and hopes their child will be slim.
Then, if they are chubby, underneath the parent’s anger and criticism are disappointment and negative feelings about themselves. With their child not fulfilling their dream, they confront their own insecurities all the more.
Under that anger is also anxiety. They worry their child won’t be OK in the world and will bear the pain that they felt in being a social outcast or lacking some other capability.
How Does a Parent Overcome These Disappointments?
It is completely natural to have hopes and dreams about your child. We all do.
In our clinical practices, we have found that understanding all this helps a lot and opens the door to easing feelings. It gives you perspective on your thoughts and feelings and with perspective comes groundedness.
You can ask yourself some questions to help clarify what you feel. How did you feel about yourself as a child? What were your hopes and dreams for this child before this child was born? What are your worries about this child? How were your caretakers with you about similar issues?
Self-compassion allows you to acknowledge and accept your anger and disappointment and recognize they are yours to work through. This also applies to your co-parent if they are active in your child’s life.
You have to learn to let go of the wished-for image coming to fruition. The goal is to learn to love the child you have, not the child you dreamed of or thought you wanted. One of the biggest gifts a parent can give to their child is unconditional love: loving your child for who they are as they come into themselves.
Facebook image: Prostock-studio/Shutterstock
LinkedIn image: Rizar el pixel/Shutterstock
