We All Feel Inauthentic at Times

“For there is nothing to lay hold of. I am made and remade continually. Different
people draw different words from me.” (Virginia Woolf, The Waves, 1931, p. 58)

An imposter has not adequately formed a secure identity making relationships to self and others a trail of confusing series of mishaps and poor choices. The behavior and ways of relating might include aggressive and self‐destructive elements, often hidden from the purview of others. Worried they are behind and cannot catch up, they feel defeated and lost. In the need to be perfect and marvelous, they detest mediocrity, especially their own. Yet they become caught in negative thought cycles, self-denigrating to the point of paralysis. In these cycles, they cannot find where they fit or what to develop. This internal confusion is an adaptation of mimicry and falsity takes over. They become an imposter to themself.

Their inner discourse is composed of the selves they are not able to face as they lead to addressing the question, ‘Who am I’? They were supposed to be someone, but not who they are. There are also various dissociations between mind and body as the personality is crumpled. The inner negative scrutiny makes reality disappointing and fraught with anticipated rejection. They are a spectator of life, keeping a distance from others assuming they are smarter, more attractive, and better. They feel separated by a thick curtain that cannot be opened.

There has been a dearth of descriptors and serious attention to the ‘as-if’ or imposter personality in the psychological literature. Most approaches center on how-to ideas for fixing behavior but without attention to or inclusion of the unconscious. This reflects a lack of psychological depth or curiosity towards the intricacy of this personality type. The popularized term and description of imposter syndrome do not adequately get at the depth of the distress applicable beyond the borders of culture, social class, status, or economics. Without the symbolic and the unconscious and delving into deeper meanings, the totality of a person is inadequately addressed, leaving one stuck in a quandary of pain and distress. Twentieth-century Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung (1968, para. 563), described this as “an inflated consciousness is always egocentric and conscious of nothing but its own existence. It is incapable of learning from the past, incapable of contemporary events, and incapable of drawing right conclusions about the future. It is hypnotized by itself and therefore cannot be argued with. It inevitably dooms itself to calamities that must strike it dead.”

This is a personality trapped in the image, attempting the ideal, without the ability to be one’s self. The reality of oneself is shame-filled for the imposter whose life is based on self-deception. Rooted in the need for protection and self-reliance, the imposter shape-shifts the view of themselves to fit the occasion. An imposter does not feel a definitive identity and operates in the absence of a fully knowable self. These often high-achieving individuals apprehend they will be found out or unmasked as incompetent or unable. Success cannot be solidly achieved or maintained because the personality is weakened from within, and the identity is disjointed. They can look lively but feel as lifeless as a mannequin.

Each day the question arises about which costume to put on. The costume represents an ego-persona or outer image approach to life. The persona will appear intact but underneath the personality is in shreds. The need is to avoid anxiety, loneliness, and emotional losses. The encounter with oneself effectively requires an encounter with one’s shadow, in which “man stands forth as he really is and shows what was hidden under the mask of conventional adaptation” (Jung, 1946, para. 239).

They retreat from reality, so it does not have to be faced as one feels impotent to cope. The creation of these alternative worlds prevents access to the interior for the means of self-preservation (Modell, 1996, p. 77). Identity shifts to please, stand out or fit in, but essentially to avoid depth and visibility. The real self is unavailable, and too busy complying with constraints imposed personally, culturally, and socially. Whether noticed or not, this person is hidden while in plain sight. The shadow of the imposter has taken over.

Estranged from one’s affective core (Modell, 1996, p. 150) the loss of contact with an authentic self means closing off from others. An independent self or omnipotent self is convinced it needs no others due to the perceived absence of safety. The self is felt as fragile and vulnerable, empty and dead as if nothing was there (Modell, 1996, p. 151). The inner darkness, the shadow, potential and energy lies secreted beneath the surface making this person seem brittle, hollow, and false.

Life is like hanging on a thread, a knot in the throat, frantic they will not get whatever they are after, hounded by insecurities. Such people keep themselves together through routines and schedules to follow rather than relying on natural instincts. They are easily decentered, ungrounded.

The gnawing emptiness signals the lack of a secure identity. They are always uneasy and needs validation and positive evaluation by others. They must be stellar and without any issues or there is the crush of despair and defeat. The sense of solid identity is easily jeopardized in the anticipated abandonment for any infraction. Anguished by the smallest detail and assessed as doing poorly, this reaction is based on low self-esteem and feeling battered but without reserves or defense to make it through.

With any hint of negativity and in sorrow they may begin to withdraw and create façades to protect so no one can perceive the real self. Unconsciously, they become subsumed in the separation from any authenticity. The self becomes constructed by eradicating any blemish or problem and hiding the shadow aspects. The fabrication is an artifice of image as the real recedes to the sidelines. A tension remains between the public and private self.

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This collision between one’s image of oneself and what one actually is, is always very painful and there are two things you can do about it, you can meet the collision head-on and try and become what you really are or you can retreat and try to remain what you thought you were, which is a fantasy, in which you will certainly perish

(James Baldwin, The Price of the Ticket, p. 244)