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Personality
The "As-If" Personality and the Conundrum of Being Real
Who am I, really?
Posted June 12, 2024 Reviewed by Tyler Woods
For there is nothing to lay hold of. I am made and remade continually. Different
people draw different words from me.
(Virginia Woolf, The Waves, 1931, p. 58)
There has been a dearth of descriptors and serious attention to the "as-if," or imposter personality, in the psychological literature. Most approaches center on how-to ideas for fixing behavior but without attention to or inclusion of the unconscious. This reflects a lack of psychological depth or curiosity towards the intricacy of this personality type.
The "as-if" personality is trapped in its image, attempting the ideal without the ability to be one’s individual self. The reality of oneself is shame-filled for the imposter whose life is based on self-deception. Rooted in the need for protection and self-reliance, the imposter shape-shifts the perception of themselves to fit the occasion. An imposter does not feel a definitive identity and operates in the absence of a fully knowable self. These often high-achieving individuals apprehend they will be found out or unmasked as incompetent or unable. Success cannot be solidly achieved or maintained because the personality is weakened from within and identity disjointed. They can look lively but feel lifeless as a mannequin.
The popularized term and descriptions of imposter syndrome do not adequately get at the depth of the distress applicable beyond the borders of culture, social class, status, or economics. Without the symbolic and the unconscious and delving into deeper meanings, the totality of a person is inadequately addressed, leaving one stuck in a quandary of pain and distress. Jung (1968, para. 563) described this. “An inflated consciousness is always egocentric and conscious of nothing but its own existence. It is incapable of learning from the past, incapable of contemporary events, and incapable of drawing right conclusions about the future. It is hypnotized by itself and, therefore, cannot be argued with. It inevitably dooms itself to calamities that must strike it dead.”
Each day, the question arises about which costume to put on for the "as-if" personality. The costume represents an ego/persona or outer image approach to life. The persona will appear intact, but underneath, the personality is in shreds. The need is to avoid the anxiety, loneliness, emotional losses, and shadow perceived. An encounter with oneself effectively requires an encounter with one’s shadow, in which "man stands forth as he really is and shows what was hidden under the mask of conventional adaptation" (Jung, 1946, para. 239).
The retreat is from reality, so it does not have to be faced, as one feels impotent to cope. The creation of these alternative worlds prevents access to the interior for the means of self-preservation (Modell, 1996, p. 77). Identity shifts to please, stand out, or fit in, but basically to avoid depth and visibility. The real self has become unavailable, so busy complying with constraints imposed personally, culturally, and socially. Whether noticed or not, this person is hidden while in plain sight. The shadow of the imposter has taken over.
Estranged from one’s affective core (Modell, 1996, p. 150), the loss of contact with an authentic self means closing away from others. An independent self or omnipotent self is convinced it needs no others due to the perceived absence of safety. The self is felt as fragile and vulnerable, empty, and dead, as if nothing were there (Modell, 1996, p. 151). The inner darkness, the shadow, potential, and energy lie secreted beneath the surface, making this person seem brittle, hollow, and false. T.S. Eliot, the American and British poet, in his famous poem, The Wasteland, written in 1922, referred to life as "a heap of broken images."
A client of mine said she did not know how to be other than to please and appear happy but never had an idea who she really was. She relayed many fond memories when young, spending hours with her father, who made up stories about people, situations, and life. Each was more fanciful and enchanting than the last. He was clever, and did much to fabricate reasons for his many bankruptcies and just as many affairs. Her father was an imposter, and he made everything more glamourous than it seemed. Real was irrelevant, as was honesty, to this father, who was always in debt and making up reality. However, she looked up to him, learned to hide her real self, and made up stories like he did.
Soon, almost everything was held in secret, and the truth altered to make it look better and more palatable to herself and the world. She was worried her opinion would hurt others and that she should not burden anyone with her unhappiness. As she thinks about it now, she has always been ashamed, lying about her childhood, the family poverty, a home without emotional satisfaction or pleasure. Even with the fanciful father making up stories of seeming delight, she quite early met with disillusionment. Saddened and struggling to be otherwise, without sufficient or basic attention, she learned to put off her desires. She made "as if" that was alright but has been miserable and working hard to create an image while disguising the real, mostly from herself. Now in her late 50s, she wonders how long she can keep up the façade.
The story to the world was that all was well, but behind it lay other truths, hence the need for the ruse of the imposter.
The imposter is often filled with shame and fear covered over by their outstanding, even mesmerizing performance, as if nothing were amiss. When life is based on being a performer, gaining approval, concerned with being acceptable to some elusive standard, there is no way to acknowledge inner distress because it must be buried each day. There is no comfort; instead, there is nervous watching and hypervigilance. Peace and contentment are unknown, buried by the need to exert control and eliminate psychological suffering.
Because so much about reality and disappointments were denied early in childhood, the "as-if" person pretends and hides real feelings, and this fosters discontinuity with oneself. These people are not what they seem. The world quite early did not give the necessary support to foster authenticity, leaving bewilderment about how to live. As children, they may have been lonely, depressed, and sensitive to the environmental atmosphere. As adults, the pattern is repeated.
This person might remain in unhappy partnerships but comply and present as if all is satisfactory. Internally isolated, the misery becomes denied, and pretense presented to friends and family. Inside, this person looks for an escape route. However, too often the imposter is inwardly depressed, trapped by fears and worries, insecure about how to survive. The question of the imposter is how to break the pattern and reveal the real.
3 Strategies for Repair
- Keep a dream journal and note your feelings within the dream.
- Examine relationships with honest self-reflection.
- Take risks to express your real desires.
To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
