Phone and Privacy Etiquette for Couples

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Establishing clear boundaries around privacy is crucial in any relationship. However, couples often struggle with how much privacy is logical, fair, or expected in a healthy relationship.

For example, should you have the password to your partner's phone? Are "Find My Phone" and other location trackers thoughtful or invasive? And, should you have privacy in a committed romantic relationship at all? These are all valid questions, and many couples struggle with seeing eye to eye when it comes to phone and privacy etiquette.

Without question, open communication and closeness are fundamental for a happy union. However, respecting one another's privacy is also important. No one should ever feel as though they have to share every thought, every piece of their personal history, or every interaction with their significant other without facing retribution.

Take a look at what other couples are doing, what is asking too much, and when privacy becomes something more damaging.

What's the Norm for Phone and Privacy Etiquette in a Relationship?

Couples who enter therapy and are working through challenges with privacy commonly question what's normal when it comes to phone and privacy etiquette. While the topic is ever-evolving and different across the spectrum of couples, here are a few eye-opening statistics from a survey conducted by the Pew Research Center:

• 67 percent of people in a committed relationship have shared a password to an online account with their partner.
• 11 percent of couples have a shared social media profile.
• 27 percent of couples share an email account.

Data collected by the company Malwarebytes also found that half of couples share their location with their partner, primarily as a means to keep one another informed for various reasons.

How Much Is Too Much to Ask When It Comes to Openness?

In a mature, respectful relationship, "tell all, or else" should never be the baseline sentiment. While creating mutual trust is commonly touted as a reason for sharing everything, neither partner should ever feel as though they have to prove their trustworthiness by sharing every password or digital action.

If you aren't allowing one another personal space and feel the need to monitor every phone call, each moment away, and every conversation, a lack of trust could be to blame. This is not healthy for any relationship, and it can quickly lead to an abusive, damaging situation.

No one has the right to know every thought or monitor every move of their significant other. The partner who is adamant that they should know everything may be using this approach as a form of control that can stem from their insecurities. The individual submitting to these requests can start to feel as though they have no room to think for themselves or keep any aspect of their life private.

The Precarious Line Between Privacy and Secrecy

While everyone needs their level of space, recognizing the difference between privacy and secrecy is crucial. If you are not being secretive or hiding something that could cause the other person harm, having your own space—even with your phone or electronic devices—should not be an issue. However, if you are hiding something that would be concerning to your partner, you may be on shaky ground. For example, if you are apprehensive about your partner seeing your DMs because the conversations you're having with other people would make them feel disrespected, this is not OK. Likewise, if you keep a friendship all to yourself with your partner in the dark, you have to be honest with yourself about your intentions.

In short, if you don't want your partner to know where you are, who you're with, or even what you do on your phone because it would harm the relationship, this may be more about being secretive than private. Secrets can be severely damaging to the stability of a partnership, so personal accountability is paramount. Take a hard look at what you are protecting and why before expecting to maintain secrecy that you could be masquerading as privacy.

Establishing Phone and Privacy Etiquette as a Couple

The most important thing two people can do to navigate the conflict surrounding phone and privacy etiquette is to acknowledge the importance of the idea. A few pointers:

• Talk openly about boundaries, expectations, and outlooks regarding phones and privacy.
• Maintain a good understanding of one another's privacy and personal space.
• Be respectful of one another's feelings about what they do and do not want to share.
• Never designate "trust" as something that must be proven in a way that compromises someone's privacy.
• Take personal accountability to recognize the difference between being harmfully secretive and harmlessly private.

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Couples often have to navigate how much privacy each partner needs and respects, balancing trust and individual autonomy. Each individual can have an idea of what privacy looks like to them.

For some, this may mean not sharing location information all the time or not openly providing access to their phone. Ultimately, both people have to approach privacy etiquette as a couple but create clear boundaries about what is and isn't okay.