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I’ve often thought that what would stop arguments and bring everyone together in families, the workplace, and politics would be a unifying event, like an invasion by Martians. Well, here’s our invasion, only it’s not Martians, it’s the coronavirus. Yet we’re feeling stressed and seeing lots of blaming behavior, false information, and nasty comments, from family members, co-workers (online), and even leaders. Here’s how we can stay calm and realize that we’re all in this together:
EAR Statements
Use statements that show empathy, attention, and respect for everyone. I have been teaching this as a handy method called EAR Statements® for over a dozen years to professionals handling “high conflict” disputes in families, the workplace and communities. It’s easy but takes some practice. It can take just a few seconds. The key is to switch your own response to others, rather than trying to force them to change.
Suppose someone nearby yells at you: “You’re not being careful enough. Are you trying to kill me?” You might be tempted to yell: “You’re over-reacting. Don’t be an idiot.” Instead, you could respond: “I understand you’re worried about the virus and I am too (Empathy). Tell me what exactly you’re asking me to do (Attention). I respect your caution, even though I see it differently (Respect).” That took about five seconds to say and reduced the conflict rather than fed it or increased it.
Another person might say: “You know it’s just a hoax. You’re being dramatic and stupid.” You might be tempted to yell: “You’re the one who’s being stupid. This is real, real, real!” Instead, you respond: “I know its hard to know what’s real these days (Empathy), so I’m being careful just to be safe." You could even just stop there. Any or all of these three (empathy, attention and/or respect) can be a calming EAR Statement.
The idea is to create a sense of us against the problem, rather than me against you.
Even in Political Discussions
You can even use this approach in political discussions, or just avoid them altogether. For example, if someone says to you: “I just hate Trump! He is so far out of touch with reality with the coronavirus and everything else. Nothing you hear him say is true.”
If you are a Trump supporter, you might be tempted to yell: “No, you’re out of touch. You’re just another liberal. He says what most of us are thinking anyway. He doesn’t have an easy job, being criticized all the time for everything he does.” Instead, you could respond: “I hear your opinion and understand that you don’t like him. (Empathy) I just have a different point of view. Let’s just agree to disagree (Respect) and talk about something else.”
Another person might say: “You Democrats just hate us. You’re arrogant and elitist. You want the government and the whole country to be overrun by communists, like in Venezuela.”
If you’re a Democrat, you might feel like yelling: “If you believe that, you’re really being stupid. You watch Fox News too much!” Instead, you could respond: “I don’t hate you. I’m worried about you. (Empathy) I’m worried about all of us. But I want to understand how you feel, so tell me more. I’ll listen (Attention).”
In short, EAR Statements help calm the speaker and the listener:
- Make a statement showing empathy, attention, and/or respect.
- Try to create a sense of us against the problem, not me against you.
- Avoid defensive reactions by over-riding what you feel like reacting with at first, and instead give an EAR Statement.
Helps Most of the Time, But Not Always
Now, this doesn’t mean that you are giving in to anything or agreeing with what the person is saying. It’s just a way of connecting with people to calm them and focus outward. I’ve found that EAR statements work about 90% of the time, but not always. Give them a try, then move on. Usually the person is looking for empathy, attention, and respect when they’re upset.
You can also use EAR statements when setting firm limits and by repeating the same statement a couple times, then dropping the subject. “I understand you don’t agree, but I truly believe this is best for both of us. I understand you don’t agree, but I truly believe this is best for both of us. Now I’m not going to discuss it further.” And walk away or change the subject. Avoid getting stuck in an argument.
Some might say this doesn’t work to calm down the person they are dealing with in the moment. If so, say it a different way or try something else—like simply ending the conversation. Don’t overdo this if it doesn’t work or you’re in an unsafe situation.
You can also give yourself an EAR Statement. You can tell yourself: “I’m going through a hard time right now. I’ll pay attention to what is going on inside of me. (Remember to breathe.) And I respect myself for XYZ.”
We all could use some empathy, attention, and respect.
