Why “Feeling Different” Isn’t Always a Sign of Autism

"Feeling different" is often a starting point for people wondering whether they might be autistic. Autistic people are born with brains that process the world differently, in a way that impacts how they relate to and communicate with others.

From childhood onward, autistic people are often ostracised or singled out by other people. Even when they haven't experienced this type of behaviour, they're often aware of the effort they have to put into just getting through the day and the fact that their efforts don't always seem to land right.

Feeling different, then, is a part of most autistic people's experience. But given the recent interest in autism, people often overlook other factors that could equally have led to them feeling different. While the following list is not exhaustive, here are other reasons you might feel different.

1. Physical, sexual, or emotional abuse

Any child living through physical, sexual, or emotional abuse will often not know how to process or respond to that experience and may experience a sense of shame.¹ Shame tends to be shrouded in secrecy and can lead to a sense of feeling apart from or different from others in addition to internalising a feeling that there is something "wrong" with them.

2. Being physically different from other children

Children tend to single out any kids who are "different" and may pick on children who are physically different from the desired social "norm." In a meta-analysis of 28 studies, for example, children regarded being overweight as negative,² attitudes that are at the root of the stigmatisation of overweight and obese children.³

Another study showed that adolescents considered unattractive or bad at sports were also more likely to be unpopular.⁴ From childhood onward, if others treat you differently based on your appearance, it's natural to feel that you are different.

3. Growing up in poverty

Growing up in relative poverty can have an impact on children's mental health, academic attainment, and relationships with their parents, and can restrict children's capacity to participate in certain social activities.⁵ One study showed a link between experiencing poverty and having fewer friends.⁶

Feeling worried, feeling shame about not being able to participate in certain activities, hiding the level of poverty one is experiencing, or being singled out for not wearing the "right" clothes or having the most expensive phone can all lead to a sense of difference.

4. Moving from another location or regularly moving schools

Most children don't like being "the new kid" and dealing with the anxiety of meeting new people and forming new friendships. Some children regularly move schools and, as a result, always feel slightly out of place.

Some children have to adapt to a new language and culture, and research shows a higher incidence of depression in children who emigrate.⁷ When a move has been difficult or traumatic, it may result in a lingering sense of difference.

5. Having a parent in jail

Children need safety, and our first bond is with our parents. When those bonds are broken through the incarceration of a parent, it can impact us socially, economically and emotionally. Families of incarcerated people may also face stigmatisation.⁸ A rapid change in practical circumstances and facing stigma can all lead to a sense of being different.

6. Growing up in an alternative environment

Some parents may choose to raise their children in environments that differ from "the norm." It doesn't take much for other people to gossip or, worse, discourage their children from playing with a particular child. If your parents are perceived as "different," you too might be treated differently and internalise a sense of separation from other people.

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7. Experiencing the loss of a parent or other childhood trauma

Some children face horrific experiences, such as the loss of a parent. Thankfully, there is more awareness about the type of support a child might need when they've been through such a significant trauma, but that isn't a universal experience.

I've had clients who told me they were given the day off school following the death of a parent and expected to "deal with it" following that. Having their lives completely overturned, dealing with loss or trauma, and perhaps having few understanding people to support them can all contribute to a sense of separateness and difference.

8. Being singled out as "different" for another reason

There may be other reasons why people grow up with a sense of being "different," which they may approach with a sense of shame or which may cause them to be singled out by others.

I've had clients who realised at an early age that they were gay but who lived in families and communities where that was considered unacceptable. Some of my clients were raised by parents with severe mental health or addiction issues; those clients have come to realise that their experience differed from the "norm" or have felt the need to maintain family secrets. These experiences are difficult for children to manage, often without support from others, and may lead to a deep feeling of being apart and different.

When working with clients, I have found that they often underestimate the impact of their childhood experiences as being the root of their "difference." They've often experienced things they've never talked about before and, particularly if their experiences are not clearly recognisable as severe trauma, they remain unaware of just how impactful their past experiences have been.

By the time they reach adulthood, people have often tried to put the past behind them. Past trauma may also affect their ability to remember aspects of their childhoods⁹—and trauma aside, we often simply don't realise how much our childhood continues to affect us into adulthood. Yet it informs much of what we believe to be true about ourselves and others.

Having a trauma history certainly doesn't rule out being autistic (and being autistic can increase the risk that someone will experience trauma). But before assuming that your sense of being weird, different, or odd compared to others is the result of autism, it's helpful to explore the environment you were raised in for clues as to why you might have felt different.

It's also beneficial to explore whether you meet some of the other diagnostic criteria for autism—including intense interests, sensory processing differences, repetitive behaviours, and a need for sameness and routine—to establish the likelihood of being autistic. Seeking out an assessment can help determine what is more likely to be the result of autism and what is more likely to be the result of past experiences.

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