Should You Sleep With Your Spouse?

Many of you may remember I Love Lucy where Lucy and Ricky Ricardo slept in separate beds. This was designed for the conservative television audience, not to model the ideal spousal sleep situation. But over the years, at least for some couples, the idea has caught on. But is it healthy for relationships? Research has some answers.

Source: Image by Sasin Tipchai from Pixabay

The Sleep Divorce

The New York Times recently ran a story entitled “I Love You, but I Don’t Want to Sleep With You”[i], about taking a “sleep divorce,” where partners sleep in separate bedrooms. It recognized snoring and conflicting schedules as among the many reasons some couples sleep solo, an arrangement that sometimes evolves into having separate bedrooms. Some couples report having lived separately within the same space for years, inviting their partners over to their bedroom for “date nights” to watch movies.

As we might imagine, researchers and therapists have doubts about the health of these types of arrangements. In most cases, spouses sleeping together provides the opportunity for both physical and relational closeness. Accordingly, one factor that likely fuels the long-term health of couple co-existence, is the motivation behind the separation.

Motivation Matters

In most cases and within most marriages, spouses share. From priceless values to valuables, most couples share their lives on every level. This includes physical space, regardless of how small. The first question we might ask is: Why would a married couple want to sleep apart?

Wendy M. Troxel and colleagues (2007) in “Marital Quality and the Marital Bed,” noted that most adults sleep with their partner, and examined the correlation between relationship quality and sleep.[ii] They acknowledged a correlation between sleeping difficulty and relational problems for many couples, they examined the effect of factors such as relationship quality, the effect of co-sleeping on partner sleep, and the effect of sleep disturbances or disorders on relationship functioning. They conclude that although sleeping separately does not always signal an unhappy or unhealthy relationship, encouraging partners to discuss co-sleeping challenges together may lead to better slumber and a happier relationship.

From the Boardroom to the Bedroom: The Impact of Occupational Burnout

Within modern dual-income contemporary society, other research has focused on the relationships between co-sleeping and occupational burnout. Gregory S. Seibert and colleagues (2019), recognizing that most adult couples share a bedroom, studied the relationship between capacity to manage stress (self-control) and sleep disturbances via occupational burnout within marriage.[iii] Examining data from 96 married couples, they found, among other things, that the occupational burnout scores for both husbands and wives were related to sleep disturbances for husbands, not wives. They therefore suggest that burnout management for husbands can be a potentially successful nonpharmacological approach to treating sleep disorders within marriages.

Attachment Orientation

More recent research (Yuxi Xie and colleagues, 2024)[iv] examined the link between attachment orientation to quality of sleep for married couples, finding, among other things, that attachment insecurity was linked with poor sleep quality across the lifespan, adding to the list of factors that may affect spousal sleeping arrangement choices.

In many cases, it appears that spousal sleeping arrangements can be enhanced by examining underlying reasons for sleep disturbances that can be controlled and addressed within a marriage. Well-rested partners are happier partners, who can enjoy life together till death do they part, under the same roof and in the same bedroom.