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Thanksgiving. A day for turkey and mashed potatoes, football and family. A day when we pause and think about what we’re grateful for—the roof over our head, the food on our table, and the loved ones sitting around it.
But what if in pausing to think about how fortunate you are, you still feel so … blah?
Does that mean you’re ungrateful?
Or has our gratitude + mindfulness culture gone a little too far in tying the practice of gratitude with the warm and fuzzy feelings? Have we gone too far in thinking of gratitude as a quick fix for lifting our mood? Feeling down or depressed? Just make a gratitude list! It’s the key to feeling happy!
But the reality is more nuanced. Yes, gratitude is associated with greater happiness and life satisfaction. It can help us connect with others, be kind, and not take things for granted. But that doesn’t mean that gratitude always makes us feel good.
As two of positive psychology’s leading experts, Chris Peterson and Martin Seligman, define it, gratitude is “being aware of and thankful for the good things that happen; taking time to express thanks.”
And there are a million reasons why you could do this and still not feel great. Gratitude can help offset some negative emotions, but it doesn’t automatically swamp out all negative feelings and emotions. You can be grateful … and still be depressed. You can be grateful … and still feel anxious. You can be grateful … and still feel lonely.
We might not like the fact that there can be pain along with the beauty, but perhaps we can take comfort in the fact that the reverse is also true: There can be beauty along with the pain.
If we can separate gratitude from the warm and fuzzy feelings that often (but not always) follow, we can see that we don’t need to ignore the negative things in life in order to be grateful. We don’t need to try to turn everything into a positive, and we don’t need to try to paint over our pain.
So, for anyone out there who’s feeling guilty for not feeling grateful this holiday season, here is some good news: You can still be grateful even if you don’t feel warm and fuzzy. Gratitude is deeper than a feeling; it’s a practice and a way of being. And while the feelings often follow, you’re not doing it wrong if they don’t.
Life is full of suffering and light. We don’t need to deny one to have the other. Life is both/and. Life is hard, and we can also be grateful for it.
References
Unanue, W., Gomez Mella, M. E., Cortez, D. A., Bravo, D., Araya-Véliz, C., Unanue, J., & Van Den Broeck, A. (2019). The reciprocal relationship between gratitude and life satisfaction: Evidence from two longitudinal field studies. Frontiers in Psychology, 10, 2480.
Algoe, S. B., Gable, S. L., & Maisel, N. C. (2010). It's the little things: Everyday gratitude as a booster shot for romantic relationships. Personal relationships, 17(2), 217-233.
McCullough, M. E., Kilpatrick, S. D., Emmons, R. A., & Larson, D. B. (2001). Is gratitude a moral affect?. Psychological bulletin, 127(2), 249.
McCullough, M. E. (2002). Savoring life, past and present: Explaining what hope and gratitude share in common. Psychological Inquiry, 13(4), 302-304.
Peterson, C., & Seligman, M. E. (2004). Character strengths and virtues: A handbook and classification (Vol. 1). Oxford University Press.
