Why a Healthy Relationship Feels “Too Good to Be True”

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If you have experienced a traumatic event or live with the effects of complex trauma, you may feel that you are incapable of having a healthy and connected relationship. When you have gone through a life-changing experience, how you perceive the world and those in your life may dramatically change. Any traumatic life event can influence your ability to feel safe in a relationship. You may become hypervigilant looking for red flags even if they do not exist.

Approximately 70% of people globally have experienced a traumatic event within their lifetime. A small number—5.6%—will go on to develop post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)₁. While the development of PTSD is based on many factors, including prior experiences with distressing events, a common concern is how trauma can affect someone inter-personally, including their romantic relationships.

Trauma is not “just” what happened to you. It is the somatic experiences, feelings, beliefs, and thoughts associated with the traumatic event that limited your ability to cope and are still affecting your approach to relationships. For many, the consequencess can manifest as anxiety, distrust, numbness, anger or rage, sadness or depression, and a limited ability to feel present or vulnerable in intimate relationship.

Common misbeliefs and thoughts surrounding yourself or your relationships can include:

• I am unable to stand up for myself.
• I cannot trust myself.
• My emotional needs will never be met.
• I am unworthy of love.
• I am damaged/broken.
• I cannot speak up for myself.
• The people in my life will eventually abandon me.
• The people in my life are only using me.
• All romantic relationships end in heartbreak.
• I cannot trust my judgement about others.
• If I am not perfect, I will be seen as worthless.

If you have experienced significant trauma in your life, peace and calm can feel terrifying, as if you are constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. It can be equally hard to discern between a relationship that is supportive of your healing from one that feels familiar and comfortable but is counterproductive to your growth.

You may live with fears about relationships because past traumatic experiences have negatively shaped your ability to feel safe or connected with those in your life. Such negative beliefs can manifest as fears of rejection or abandonment, refusal to get involved in a romantic relationship, or leaving your partner before they have a chance to reject you. You may additionally experience deep shame about your fears, or misbeliefs about yourself that interfere with feeling secure or capable of having a healthy partnership.

5 Steps to Healing Limiting Beliefs

First, it is important that your partner understands that how you see yourself, how you view relationships, and how your react within your relationships may have little to do with them but reflects a conditioned trauma response. Developing and increasing self-compassion and patience are necessary in helping you feel more secure and accepting of a healthy relationship, as negative limiting beliefs can actually stand in the way of making any positive changes.

Safety. Safety includes feeling physically, emotionally, and psychologically safe within your relationship and your surroundings. Explore in what ways your partner has provided you a sense of safety within the relationship.

Validation. Has your partner been consistent and reliable with your emotional needs? Have they shown you active listening and helped you feel seen, heard, and understood? Explore the ways that you and your partner have shown each other emotional investment and validation.

Self-Check. It is important to recognize what triggers your emotional reactivity and in what situations. Checking in with yourself includes: noticing what your body is telling you. Are you tense? Is your breathing shallow? Is your mind ruminating on something? What is your current mood? Check in with yourself a few times a day, especially if you are having a difficult day.

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Communication. Do you and your partner have the tough talks, or are things merely superficial between you? Can you turn to them at your most vulnerable, and have they proven they are there to talk when you need them? Explore ways you have shown each other healthy communication.

Space. Asking for space is sometimes necessary in a relationship, and may be even more important if you are healing from trauma. You should be able to ask for space or time to yourself if you need it, and to feel comfortable tending to your emotional and psychological needs.