The Women Who Wish Their Abusive Narcissistic Mate Would Die

Source: Ivan Samkav/pexels

When I first started working with victims of narcissistic abuse in the 1980s, I had several clients who told me almost exactly the same story. They were married to men who emotionally or physically abused them and who appeared to fit the criteria for narcissistic personality disorder. These women were scared of their husbands and afraid to initiate a divorce.

Instead of taking action and leaving their abusive partner, they repeatedly found themselves fantasizing that he died in a plane crash while traveling for work. Then they pictured themselves at his funeral at the graveside while people comforted them. In one version the woman is wearing a long black old-fashioned veil so that no one can see her real expression. She is actually smiling to herself, but she wants people to think she is appropriately sad.

I named this “The Widow Fantasy.” Here is the real story that inspired me.

Who was the original “widow”?

About 40+ years ago a sweet and somewhat passive woman came to me for psychotherapy. She was married to a very bossy and controlling man whom she had grown to dislike. She was afraid to divorce him because:

1. She hated to fight.
2. He was likely to seek revenge if she tried to leave him.
3. She felt guilty about wanting a divorce.
4. She was insecure and financially dependent on him.
5. She was scared to confront her husband.

Here is an abbreviated version of what she told me that led to my calling it the widow fantasy.

My client came into session one day and said the following:

I feel really guilty about this fantasy I keep having about my husband. I imagine him dying in a plane crash when he travels for work. Then I picture myself at the grave surrounded by mourners who are comforting me. I picture myself wearing a black veil so no one can see my face clearly.

I am not crying and sad. I am relieved. I don’t have to go through a divorce. I don’t have to explain why I want him gone from my life. Everyone still thinks well of me because his death is not my fault.

How does the widow fantasy relate to narcissistic personality disorder?

Today, I would have provisionally diagnosed my client’s abusive and controlling husband with some form of narcissistic personality disorder. I worked with my client on finding real life solutions to her marital dilemma that did not depend on her husband dying in a plane crash.

Since then, I have heard many other clients with a narcissistic spouse express almost the same exact fantasy. They were too afraid to divorce their spouse or could not seek a divorce because of religious, cultural, or practical reasons. In all but one of these cases, the person in therapy with me did not have narcissistic personality disorder, their unwanted spouse did.

Note: I am using the terms narcissist, narcissistic, and NPD as shorthand for someone who qualifies for a diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder.

Do only women have the widow fantasy?

Some men may have it as well, but I have only heard about it from a specific subset of my women clients. In almost every case, the woman was financially dependent on her husband and felt inadequate to manage life on her own after years of marriage. The women who were financially independent and more confident who found themselves married to a narcissist tended to eventually divorce him.

Do narcissists ever have the widow fantasy?

Yes. I had a female client who had closet narcissistic disorder (the less self-confident and more vulnerable form of narcissistic personality disorder) express the widow fantasy. Here is what she said:

I love my lifestyle. I love my home. I love where we live. I love being able to go on nice vacations and have enough money to dress well. My husband has a great job and brings in lots of money. The one thing that is wrong with my life is him. If he would just die, everything would be perfect.

Narcissism Essential Reads

Early Narcissistic Red Flags in Children

A New Way to Think About Narcissism

I find myself hoping he will die in a car or airplane crash whenever he leaves on a trip without me. That would solve all my problems. I could keep our lifestyle and not have to go through a messy divorce.

Summary

If you have ever wished that your abusive narcissistic husband would just disappear or die, you are having a version of the widow fantasy. If you feel guilty because you frequently fantasize that your husband will die in a plane crash while traveling for work, and then you picture yourself at his funeral being comforted by the other mourners, you too are having the widow fantasy.

This does not mean that you are a bad person. However, it may indicate that you are too passive and afraid to take a realistic action that will remove you from your abusive relationship. Instead of waiting for something or someone to free you from your marriage, you may want to start psychotherapy. Your goal would be to work on understanding and overcoming your fear of initiating the change you are seeking in fantasy. Not the death of your husband, but the dissolution of your relationship. The three basic elements of the widow fantasy are usually a submissive wife, a controlling and abusive narcissistic husband, and a fear of initiating a divorce. You can change two of these three.

A version of this post also appears on Quora.