How to Tell If Your Date Will Be a Narcissistic Mate

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If you have ever suffered through an abusive relationship with someone who turned out to have narcissistic personality disorder, you are probably eager to avoid a repeat of the experience. You may even be afraid to start dating because you are concerned that you may fall for the wrong person again.

I am often asked, “Is there some way I could have seen this coming before I got so deeply involved in the relationship?” While I do not expect you to be able to formally diagnose a narcissistic personality disorder after reading this post—that is best left to mental health professionals—you can learn to recognize the characteristic behaviors that signal, “Watch out. This person may be a narcissist.” Once you know what to look for, it can be fairly easy to determine if your new lover has more narcissistic issues than you might want to cope with on a regular basis. [Note: In this post I use the terms “narcissist" and “narcissistic” as shorthand to refer to someone who qualifies for a diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder.]

There are three main subtypes of narcissistic personality disorder—exhibitionist, closet, and malignant. Each presents in somewhat different ways. However, when people ask me, “Is there a way I could have known right at the beginning of our relationship that my mate has a narcissistic personality disorder?” they are usually referring to the most obvious type: The exhibitionist narcissistic disorder.

This group of narcissists can be recognized by their use of a specific narcissistic defense pattern that I call the “GOD Defense.”

• G = Grandiose
• O = Omnipotent
• D = Devaluing

So, what does this pattern look like in real life?

G = Grandiose. They will exaggerate their good qualities, deny their flaws, and expect you to admire them.

Example: Jim and his recommendations. According to Jim, everything he has is absolutely the best. Everything he does is perfect. Everything other people do is deeply flawed. He may even try to convince you to change psychotherapists because he claims (without any proof whatsoever) that your therapist is inferior to his therapist. He insists that you take his advice on which new restaurant to go to and which to avoid—even though you are a vegetarian and he hates vegetables.

How to recognize this behavior on a date: Your date might pick the restaurant without asking you about your food preferences and then expect you to admire his choice. He is likely to also want you to taste his favorite dishes. This might be considered sweet, until you realize that he has not paid any attention to what you have told him about your food allergies.

What are some typical red flags that might indicate grandiosity?

• They frequently describe themselves as the “best” or the one who know the absolutely right thing to do in every situation.
• They exaggerate their achievements.
• They manage to somehow talk about all the important people they know—even when this is not at all relevant to the conversation.
• They seem uninterested in your life and ask you very few questions.
• Even if they do ask you about yourself, they are only half listening and quickly turn the conversation back to them.
• But, if they discover that you are rich, famous, or powerful—or have friends or relatives who are “important”—they become much more interested in you.

O = Omnipotent. They lecture people on topics about which that they know little or nothing. They claim that they are always right.

Example: Jenny and “I told you so." Jenny loves to give her friends advice about relationships. She claims to be able to immediately tell whether someone else’s new relationship is bound to fail. Her hallmark statement is “I told you so. You should have followed my advice. I am always right about these things.”

How to recognize this behavior on a date: Your date gives you unasked for advice about some area of your life. If you try and change the topic, he or she ignores that and goes right back to giving you unwanted opinions.

If you disagree, your date takes that as a personal insult and attacks you. Now you are on the defensive in a fight that you never intended to happen. There is no way to win this argument, unless you give in and admit you are wrong just to restore peace.

This whole thing ruins the date for you, and you are seriously thinking about just getting up, making an excuse, and leaving. But before you can do that, your date stands up, throws some money on the table, and angrily says, “I don’t have to put up with your crap. You can stay if you want. I’m leaving!”

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What are some typical red flags that may indicate defensive omnipotence?

• They talk about how people should listen to them more because they are always right.
• They start giving you unasked for advice on how to live your life
• They insist that you are wrong about a, b, or c and that you need to take their advice or things will go badly for you.
• They spend a lot of time bragging about times that they were shown to be right and other people were wrong.
• They act like a “know-it-all” and expect you automatically to agree with their point of view.
• They get furious if you challenge their opinions.

D = Devaluing. They put other people down. They say really mean and disparaging things about anyone they dislike. They are hierarchical in their thinking and are preoccupied with status. They often compare one thing to another thing in a way that devalues one of the two. Something cannot just be good. It has to be better than something else.

Example: Jon the Oenophile. Jon loves wine and insists on ordering the wine whenever he is out with friends. He is so insistent, that most of his friends have given up trying to order what they want. He does not seem to realize that he is often insulting in how he goes about choosing the wine: “This wine is a much better choice than the one you were going to try. I guarantee you will like it better.”

Jon also ignores that two people at the table prefer dry white wines and have said so. Jon likes full-bodied reds with fruity notes, so that is what he always orders—even when people object and say they prefer something different. He dismisses their preferences with a devaluing statement, such as: “You really don’t know wines. If you did, you would never want to order that!”

How to recognize this behavior on a date: Your date asks you who you voted for in the last election. Unless your choice happens to have been exactly the same as his or hers, you will be treated to a devaluing lecture on why you were completely wrong.

Or, you are out at dinner and your date glances at the couple at the next table and says something incredibly disparaging: “That is the ugliest couple I have ever seen. They must make love in the dark or with bags over their head.” You are shocked and think your date must be joking.

Now the waiter comes by and it is his turn to get criticized: “You are the most inept server ever. This is the second time that I have told you: NO ICE IN OUR WATER!”

What are some red flags that warn you that your date will eventually devalue you?

• They devalue their former spouse or prior lovers: They were all crazy bitches (or abusive bastards)!
• They are easily insulted and quick to retaliate.
• They make lots of negative comments about other people.
• They are hypercritical and hard to please.
• They are argumentative.
• They have lots of people that they consider enemies.
• They hold grudges.
• They say such cruel things that you think they must be joking.

Punchline: Your narcissistic date will become a narcissistic mate. To sidestep this problem, pay close attention to how they treat you and how they speak about the other people in their life. Then trust your gut. If it doesn’t feel right, it isn’t right for you. Get out now.

Adapted from a Quora post.