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Key points
- Everyone without children will be asked the kid question, again and again.
- Instead of feeling awkward, we can empower ourselves. Be prepared. Try a different response.
- Stigmas and stereotypes are changed when we include the childless and childfree perspectives.
The pregnant pause that follows the kid question is a golden moment for nonparents to take the lead. We have the advantage of already knowing the question is coming and our "No" answer isn't expected.
Questions about children come up in everyday encounters with acquaintances, merchants, coworkers, and family members. Taking the risk to include childless and childfree perspectives can help release stigmas and stereotypes, but some conversations will not unfold perfectly,
We can honor ourselves and rescue the tongue-tied questioner by responding in ways that suit our intentions and current emotional state.
Try these tips to include the childless and childfree perspective when asked the kid question.
1. Get rid of defensive-sounding "buts."
Examples commonly heard:
- “No, but I really like kids.”
- “We tried, but it didn’t work.”
- “No, but I have wonderful nieces and nephews. And I dote on my animals.”
There’s no need to feel defensive or justify not having kids. Shifting the "but" to "and" can empower. Being childless, childfree, or ambivalent about kids are perfectly normal ways of being human. And it’s up to you how much you decide to divulge.
2. Sidestep the question altogether.
Maybe you’re feeling tender, defensive, or vulnerable. Maybe you’re not in the mood to explain your situation. You have every right to avoid the topic because it’s nobody’s business but your own.
Try saying something like:
- “You’re a mom, am I right? How many kids do you have? What are they like?”
- “I don’t have kids. I also recently moved here. How long have you been in the area? What are some of your local favorite places to go?”
- “I bet we can find something we have in common. I’m passionate about the environment/adult literacy/cooking. What about you?”
3. Use humor to shift the tone and topic.
If it fits your personal style and the social occasion, humor can serve as a light-hearted way to continue in a less charged way.
Some examples:
- “I haven’t found a worthy mate yet and don’t want to parent solo. Where’d you meet your partner?”
- “We’re still practicing. I’ll let you know if anything changes. We’re also working on our ping-pong skills. Do you play?”
- “A long time ago my younger siblings made me promise not to. Do you have brothers and sisters?”
4. Leave the conversation right away.
There will be occasions when, for whatever reason, you’ll simply want to exit the conversation as soon as you can. It’s not rude; you’re simply taking care of yourself.
Some examples to exit more easily:
- “Please excuse me for a moment. I need to go to the restroom.”
- “Pardon me. I see someone who’s been trying to get in touch with me.”
- “My drink needs refreshing. Can I get you something?”
We also have the option of guiding parents to better understand how our lives differ from theirs. Try taking the initiative to engage others on the topic. Consider asking them first. When you choose the timing, you’ll feel less defensive and better prepared for the rest of the exchange.
This approach can feel odd at first, so ease into it and be ready with a fallback strategy. Here are some ways to engage others and open up the conversation:
5. Talk about someone else’s experience.
Especially when we’re trying to get more fluent in talking about life without kids, it may be easier to talk about someone else’s experiences instead of our own.
Some examples:
- “I read recently about a childfree couple who did their jobs entirely online while they traveled around the world for two years. Can you picture doing something like that?”
- “My sister doesn’t have kids. She never met anyone she wanted to have them with. She’s a preschool teacher who’s devoted her life to making sure kids start reading and know their numbers. Do any of your kids’ teachers not have kids?”
- “An older woman I know is starting a scholarship fund for homeless women. I hope to consider something like that too someday. What about you?”
6. Disclose something about your own experience.
When you want to bring the conversation to a more personal level, someone has to take the initiative. By diving in yourself, you guide where the conversation might go.
Some examples:
- “I don’t have kids, and I imagine it’s different than you think it is.” Then you can talk about the pluses and minuses you’ve discovered.
- “I loved my school librarian, and I’m pretty sure she was a non-mom, too. Other than your own parents, when you were a kid, who were important role models in your life?”
- “I like to think of ‘mother’ as a verb. For example, I mentor a dozen young people who are starting out in my profession. Other than your own kids, who or what do you mother?”
7. Turn the question around.
Shifting the focus to the other person can provide valuable information about their level of interest and willingness to engage. Staying open and curious may lead to interesting exchanges.
Some examples:
- “That can be quite a personal question. Why do you ask? Really, I’m curious.”
- “What if, for whatever reason, one of your kids doesn’t have children?
- “Let’s assume for a moment you didn’t have kids. What might you have done differently with your life?”
When asked about your reproductive output from people with kids,
Do:
- Take care of your personal needs.
- Try leading the conversation.
- Eliminate the “but” after the “No.”
- Respect your own boundaries.
- Acknowledge and respect differences between your life and theirs.
Don’t:
- Answer any questions you’d prefer not to.
- Justify, compensate for, or defend not having kids.
- Apologize, attack, or criticize.
Have your options ready in advance and go easy when trying a new approach. You’re going to be asked about kids over and over for the rest of your life.
