4 Tips for Talking Mom to Non-Mom

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“Do you have kids?” The question frequently pops up as an icebreaker upon first meeting someone. When the answer is “No,” what usually follows is a pregnant pause while everyone tries to figure out what to do next.

Oops, the mom may be thinking, I wonder why not? But I know I shouldn’t ask her. What do I do now? Depending on their personal situation, non-moms can feel defensive, deflated, or hurt.

Here are some tips for moms to try and reframe the conversation.

1. Let go of your bingos.

Many parents seem to have a stockpile of responses ready when encountering someone who doesn’t have kids. In fact, these comments are so predictable non-moms often gird themselves for what’s to come, even utter “bingo” under their breath.

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Here are some typical responses that may elicit a “bingo”:

• “But you’d be such a great mom!”
• “You’ll change your mind.”
• “You’ll never know true love until you look into the eyes of your child.”
• “Who will take care of you when you’re old?”
• “It’s the most important job in the world.”
• “You aren’t a real woman if you don’t give birth.”

What’s tough about all these comments is the underlying assumption that one way of being, i.e., having kids, is both the right way and accessible to everyone. Neither is true and what comes off as pressing one’s own position results in a funky shift in the interpersonal dynamic, even (often, especially) between friends and family members.

Fortunately, most people are less confrontational and judgmental. Open minds are curious and accepting. Interested voices are soft in tone.

2. Be considerate of others’ reactions.

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Make it a habit to pay attention to how someone expresses herself about not having kids. People often signal their feelings non-verbally. When you notice subtle cues, like sighs or downcast eyes, you’ll be able to regroup and respond more thoughtfully. Take a breath before continuing, and trust your gut.

Possible responses:

• “That’s a personal question, isn’t it? Let’s talk about something other than kid stuff.”
• “I imagine you sometimes hear insensitive comments about how important people think having kids is. Will you share some of the most challenging ones?”

3. Own your experience; be open to theirs.

You don’t have to drop all references to progeny. They play a huge part in most parents’ lives, and we know that. See if you can find a middle ground.

Possible responses:

• “I love being a mom but worry about how I’ll do once the kids leave home. Tell me what captures your time and attention these days so I can see life differently.”
• “Raising kids has been hard but worth it for me. What matters for you?”
• “My cousin is getting a lot of pressure to have kids, and I’d like her to know I’m a source of support. Do you have any suggestions on how I could do this tactfully?”

4. Notice your airtime.

Talking about your children is natural, but with a non-mom, the conversation can easily become one-sided. Here are some responses that can balance the conversation and lead to learning more about them:

• “Tell me more about yourself.”
• “I promise I won’t show you every kid photo I have. Here are three of my favorites that give you a sense of who they are. Then I want to hear about you.”
• “Look at me—talking about all my grandkids again. I haven’t heard what’s new with you yet. Please, bring me up to date.”

Here are some dos and don'ts to keep in mind.

Do:

• Ask if it’s okay to ask questions about not having them.
• Notice reactions to your questions.
• Express your curiosity respectfully.
• Watch out for monopolizing the conversation.

Don’t:

• Offer condolence, suggestions, or solutions unless asked.
• Pity, pamper, or try to comfort.
• Judge or make assumptions about their situation.

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If you intend to ask the kid question to break the ice, can you substitute another, less personal question? It’s highly likely that if the other person has kids and there are no extenuating circumstances, they’ll soon bring them up anyway, without being asked. And if you later discover someone doesn’t have kids, you can decide how to approach the subject, if at all. Your options remain open.

Even if you think having kids is the best thing ever, touting your conviction will likely serve only to frustrate or hurt those who wanted them and raise the defenses of those who didn’t. Nothing you say will likely change their reality anyway.