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Key points
- For some, the holiday season can feel overwhelming and be painful reminders of traumatic memories.
- Not being able to participate in the jolly spirit of the holidays can evoke feelings of shame and guilt.
- Identifying triggers and setting clear boundaries is crucial during this time.
- Remember, you are not obligated to spend time with anyone or be in any place that evokes painful memories.
Referred to as the most wonderful time of the year, the holiday season is filled with family traditions, parties, and big meals with relatives and friends. Even though these few months spark joy and emphasize nostalgia, it can still be a strenuous time, even for those who have the financial means and healthy social relationships to celebrate with.
For some, the holidays can bring up old trauma wounds, as the festive traditions, rituals, specific sights, and scents associated with the holiday season can feel overwhelming and be painful reminders of traumatic memories. This can lead to reactions such as flashbacks, dissociation, dysregulated emotions, and psychosomatic symptoms such as nausea and headaches.
Additionally, not being able to join everyone else in the jolly spirit of the holidays can evoke feelings of shame, guilt, and resentment, and can trigger self-deprecating thoughts such as being "too damaged," "unlovable," and "not good enough" for the festivities of the season. This can set the stage for family disputes and uncomfortable conversations.
How the Holidays can Adversely Affect Trauma Survivors:
1. Reactivating trauma triggers: This season is by its nature loud, busy, and overstimulating—it involves bright lights, crowded spaces, parties that revolve around alcohol, big meals, and meeting new people, which can create feelings of frustration or overwhelm.
Similarly, the holiday season may include obligatory visits with those who may have been the source of abuse, neglect, or abandonment. Specific holiday traditions, returning to old neighborhoods or homes, or being around certain people, sounds, and smells can be triggering. When triggered, the nervous system gets into alarm mode, causing the trauma survivor to feel in danger. Knowing one's triggers is an important first step in being able to help manage trauma responses.
2. Reinforcing old narratives: The New Year brings about reflection on the past and focuses on resolutions for the future. This might create emotional strain, feelings of hopelessness, sadness, and grief for trauma survivors. It might reactivate old narratives of being a "misfit" or "not good enough" to participate in this joyous time of the year.
3. Disrupted routines: The holiday season can disrupt one’s daily routine and interfere with their coping strategies, which could add to stress and anxiety.
4. Financial strain: For many, the usual financial stress is amplified during the holiday season. The pressure to buy gifts, participate in holiday events, travel, or throw parties may intensify one's stress and lead to feelings of dread and anxiety.
5. Loneliness and Isolation: Not having a warm family atmosphere to fall back on, or having lost loved ones, can exacerbate feelings of loneliness and grief. What's more, people can sometimes feel lonely in crowds and feel disconnected from those they are surrounded by.
7. Increased substance use: The holiday season often involves social events with an abundance of food and alcohol. Trauma survivors might be tempted to use substances to numb their difficult emotions, which, if they've struggled with addiction in the past, puts them at a higher risk of potential relapse and may worsen their mental health.
8. Limited access to mental health support: During this season, many clinical professionals take time off, therapy groups pause, and other extracurricular activities may go on break. When everyone is on vacation, trauma survivors might be left feeling abandoned. Activities normally used as coping strategies may be limited, which can make managing symptoms even more challenging.
What to Do
1. Acceptance: Give yourself permission to feel the way you feel and accept that you may not experience the holiday season the same way others do.
2. Know your trauma triggers: Identify potential triggers and plan ahead—whether that's having a plan B in place, declining invitations that feel too overwhelming, or arranging gatherings that feel more manageable.
When you realize that you are being triggered, try to identify what the trigger is and how you can either remove yourself from the situation or find strategies to regulate your nervous system. Engaging with safe people, doing things that give you joy, incorporating mindfulness strategies, and connecting with professionals can help navigate trauma triggers during this holiday season.
3. Set clear boundaries: For those who grew up in abusive or neglectful homes, family members can be the greatest triggers. Just because you are related by blood or by marriage doesn’t mean that you have to let these dysfunctional dynamics continue. Establishing healthy boundaries and setting clear limits can help prevent re-traumatization and help break the cycle of trauma. This is not always easy, but it is necessary.
Remember, you are the person to determine who you will visit, who you will host, and how long you will stay at certain events. Spending the holidays with your chosen family is an alternative if your biological family feels too toxic.
Communicate your boundaries clearly and voice your needs before the event so you know what to expect. This can include asking your family members not to bring up certain topics or memories or for them not to serve alcohol.
4. Say no: If certain gatherings, parties, or large crowds feel overwhelming and trigger old traumatic memories and cause you to feel sadness, fear, and anxiety. Politely decline these invitations. Remember, you are not obligated to spend time with anyone or be in any place that evokes painful memories and might cause re-traumatization.
5. Have an escape plan: During the festivities, feel free to step outside or leave the room for a break to regulate your nervous system. Remember that you don’t owe anyone an explanation—so when you notice that you are feeling overwhelmed, take the liberty to leave.
6. Reach out: Rely on your chosen family to manage the negative feelings you are experiencing. Let them know that you are having a hard time. Plan check-in phone calls or get-togethers to alleviate feelings of loneliness. If you feel comfortable, open up about the memories and emotions that you are struggling with. Schedule a session with your therapist or attend your therapy group to help manage triggers during this time.
7. Create new traditions: Rather than forcing yourself to follow traditions that bring up sad memories, consider creating fresh traditions to reflect on annual milestones and celebrate your journey. These traditions can include holiday meals with chosen family, gift exchanges, watching movies, walking around town to see decorations, baking cookies, or making your own holiday playlist.
These new traditions can help in creating positive memories associated with this season. It will provide moments of joy and allow you to celebrate in a way that aligns with your needs and give you something to look forward to rather than evoke a feeling of dread when this season approaches.
8. Practice self-care: The holiday season is a time of giving and prioritizing others. Although it’s nice to take care of others this season, remember to take appropriate care of yourself first. Take care of your physical health, eat well, exercise, and be mindful of your sleep hygiene.
The holidays are a busy time that can be physically and mentally exhausting. Neglecting your self-care can make you more vulnerable. In moments when you feel too overwhelmed, try to take a few deep breaths, and do some grounding exercises to regulate your nervous system.
Find ways to nourish yourself. Being good to yourself will help you be good to others around you.
9. Limit alcohol intake: Celebrations revolving around food and alcohol may cause additional stress to those who struggle with disordered eating, body image issues, and addiction. Worsening mental health can lead to harmful coping strategies and relapse.
Using alcohol to drown out difficult feelings can make you more vulnerable and bring up unexpected memories and difficult feelings. Ask a trusted loved one to keep you accountable and support you to limit or avoid alcohol.
Regardless of how others respond to your trauma, please know that your trauma responses are valid. Rather than forcing yourself through the holidays, prioritize your mental health, set your limits, take care of yourself, and advocate for your needs. Remember that you are not obligated to put yourself in any traumatizing situation.
To connect with a mental health professional near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
References
Balan, D (2023). Re-Write: A Trauma Workbook of Creative Writing and Recovery in Our New Normal. Routledge.
Russin, S. E., & Stein, C. H. (2022). The Aftermath of Trauma and Abuse and the Impact on Family: A Narrative Literature Review. Trauma, Violence, & Abuse, 23(4), 1288-1301.
Sanok, J. (2022, April). A Guide to Setting Better Boundaries. https://hbr.org/2022/04/a-guide-to-setting-better-boundaries. Harvard Business Review.
