Are You Gaslighting Me, or Am I Really Too Sensitive?

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Gaslighting and being gaslit isn't a diagnosis—it's an ongoing dynamic. It is a form of psychological manipulation and emotional abuse in a relationship where the abuser tries to make the victim doubt their perception of reality. This leads to the victim questioning their sanity, gradually wearing them down and leading to a perpetual state of confusion, stress, and self-doubt.

According to Merriam-Webster's dictionary, gaslighting was the most searched word of 2022. The term gaslighting originates from the 1938 play by Patrick Hamilton, the story of a husband who psychologically manipulates his wife to rob her of her inheritance.

Adverse effects of gaslighting on the victim:

• Violence turned inward
• Harmful coping mechanisms like substance use or burying themselves to work
• Poor focus and attention
• A constant state of worry and stress
• Increased levels of anxiety and depression
• Avoidance
• Isolation
• Triggering old attachment wounds and trauma
• Negative self-perception
• Self-doubt
• Critical internal dialogue
• Low self-esteem

Common gaslighting tactics used by the abuser:

Denial -The abuser denies events or experiences that the victim knows to be true, causing the victim to doubt their memory or perception.

Minimization - The abuser downplays the significance of the victim's feelings or experiences, making them feel like their emotions are unwarranted or invalid.

Projection – The abuser attributes their behaviors or feelings to the victim, making the victim question their intentions or actions.

Blame shifting - The abuser puts the blame on the victim for the problems in the relationship or other circumstances, making the victim feel responsible for the abuser's actions.

Withholding - The abuser withholds information, affection, or communication, leaving the victim feeling confused and anxious.

Diverting – The abuser changes the subject or distracts the victim from important issues or concerns, making it challenging to address the real problems.

Gaslighting in Intimate Relationships:

More overt forms of gaslighting in intimate relationships involve verbal aggression, including yelling, derogatory insults, name-calling, and humiliating and belittling the victim in an effort to decrease their self-esteem and self-worth. Emotional blackmail, such as, I will leave if you take that job, or more concrete threats, such as I take the kids' custody from you are also common gaslighting strategies.

False allegations, starting gossip about the victim in an effort to reduce their social credibility, as well as intentionally targeting the person's vulnerability, such as their parenting, You are a bad mother, are common gaslighting strategies as well.

Other gaslighting dynamics include deliberate attempts to isolate the person from friends and loved ones, making comments that will lead the victim to doubt the value of these relationships, such as Your friends only hang out with you for free lunch. These behaviors can escalate to engaging in extreme and unwarranted jealous behavior or being excessively controlling, such as monitoring the person's social media use, the people they interact with, telephone records, and internet browsing history.

Gaslighting can go as far as the abuser engaging in self-harm (drinking to excess after an argument or driving recklessly) or threatening suicide in an attempt to control and manipulate the victim. If you leave, I'll kill myself.

Sexual aggressivity, such as unwanted sexual advances, lying about being on birth control, coercion relating to getting pregnant or being pregnant, and reproductive control, for instance, using the threat of abortion or not getting an abortion, are forms of sexual gaslighting.

Gaslighting Essential Reads

Surviving Gaslighting Relationships: 6 Core Themes

2 Clear Signs of Workplace Gaslighting

Empowering yourself in intimate/ familial relationships:

• Consider therapy to heal and understand the trauma that creates false narratives and dysfunctional relationship patterns.
• Keep a journal to track events and process your emotions.
• Confront the person and draw appropriate boundaries.
• Seek outside help, including couples therapy, family therapy, or support groups.
• Find safe relationships—often, the contrast we experience in safe relationships increases our awareness about toxic dynamics.
• Practice self-compassion and mindfulness: These practices will help you process your emotions and allow you to acknowledge and soothe your pain and unmet needs.
• If the other person is unwilling to work on the relationship, terminating the relationship might be warranted.
• Find support groups where you can connect with other survivors.
• If you are worried for your safety, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline (800-799-7233) or the National Sexual Assault Hotline (800-656-4673).

Gaslighting at Work:

Gaslighting is mostly associated with personal relationships, although it also happens in work relationships. Especially when the power hierarchy is used against someone, trust can be broken, resulting in the victim doubting their competence and qualifications. This can result in turning employees against one another.

Whistleblowing is a common gaslighting strategy in work settings, as well as a continued lack of validation and micromanaging. Engaging in behaviors of criticizing the person in front of others, reminding them of their shortcomings, and making stabs at their performance or ability are common strategies as well.

Empowering yourself at work:

• Know the policies and procedures, as well as the code of conduct of the organization or company that you are working in.
• Collect evidence such as printouts, emails, and calls or texts.
• Consider having witnesses join meetings or record the meetings.
• Involve human resources or other compliance departments and consider external legal counsel if necessary.
• Keep a detailed journal of encounters and what happened, including others who may have witnessed it as well.

Medical Gaslighting:

Medical gaslighting is the breach of the doctor-patient trust relationship and the use of power and hierarchy to make the patient feel defenseless and invalidated and begin to doubt their self-assessment.

Some behaviors of medical gaslighting include dismissing or minimizing symptoms with statements such as It's all in your head. Delaying clinically and medically appropriate care causes vulnerable patients and families to carry the burden of truth-seeking themselves.

Empowering yourself in the medical setting:

• Know the policies and procedures in the hospital setting.
• Keep detailed records of all recommended and completed procedures
• Consult other doctors and clinicians
• Involve human resources or other patient advocates
• Collect other evidence, including secure texts and emails from your providers
• Go to appointments with a trusted loved one as a witness

How do you know if you're being gaslighted?

• Your abuser doesn't accept their flaws and doesn't take accountability for their actions.
• You feel anxious and tense around the person and feel relaxed when they aren't there.
• You doubt your perception.
• Your inner dialogue is becoming increasingly self-critical.
• You apologize even when there is nothing to apologize about.
• You constantly seek their approval and acceptance.
• If you try to criticize them, they act like they are a victim and create a new set of accusations.
• You are met with denial and deflection: That never happened.
• They constantly explain themselves: I was going to pick you up, but you said…
• They make you feel like you are too sensitive: You're reading into this.
• You worry they will put you down and avoid making simple decisions, such as choosing a restaurant.
• You feel the need to lie to avoid being denigrated.
• You don't feel good enough.
• They twist facts and make you doubt your own perception.
• They use statements such as I thought you said, You are too sensitive, You are crazy.
• The compliments are empty and never really about your qualities but about how you make them feel, such as I don't know what I would do without you.
• The compliments are not compliments: This outfit looks good on you; it doesn't show your belly.
• The apologies have no accountability: I am sorry you feel that way.
• They invalidate you: You don't feel that way.
• They show masked concern: You seem stressed; not everyone can handle responsibility.
• They confuse you with a rare piece of positive reinforcement.
• You feel drained.
• They use other people against you: Even your friend doesn't like you.

What to do:

“The real cycle you're working on is a cycle called yourself.”
― Robert M. Pirsig, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance: An Inquiry Into Values.

You can't prevent what other people do. Still, you can learn your insecurities, understand your childhood traumas and attachment wounding, realize your triggers, and have the ability to zoom out and recognize patterns.

Remember that all your feelings and emotions are valid.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.