How Gifted Children Change in the Teenage Years

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As gifted children mature into the turbulence of the teenage years, distinctive changes will occur in their way of relating to family and the world of friends, school, and special interests. Teenagers in general are more reactive and vulnerable as they develop emotionally, socially, and sexually. Gifted teenagers’ ability to understand the world abstractly creates behavior that can be troublesome and hard to contend with. The speed and nonstop nature of their thoughts and feelings might alarm you.

Egocentric thoughts and feelings are much more prominent than they were earlier in life. Gifted adolescents need to be the center of the universe to their friends, parents, teachers, and others who they consider close in a personal sense. Bright teenagers want what they want and know that they are making the best decision possible. Younger gifted kids are intense but not as absolutely sure of themselves as teenagers can be. Know-it-all behavior makes parenting much more stressful and dramatic. The somewhat compliant elementary-age gifted child is able to listen to their parents. Gifted teenagers struggle to listen to their parents and authority figures.

Seriously in search of their unique identity, gifted teens are ready to separate from their parents and define their unique sense of self. Parent support is often seen in a highly negative way. Mom and Dad are too old to understand what they are going through. Without the full emotional support of their parents and teachers, uncertainty and decision-making are very difficult for them. While younger children respect their parents’ authority, teenagers are so sure of themselves that they have to make their own decisions no matter what the family values and rules are.

Teenagers Are on Their Own Even When They Fail a Class

The intensity to making their own decisions is remarkable. Teenagers fall madly in love. And when love fails to last, they are devastated. Not wanting to do their homework, they convince themselves that homework is not important. They may fail a class and have to take it over. Lying to parents and teachers about completing their homework is acceptable in the mind of the teenage prodigy. Younger children are not as rebellious and determined.

The bright spot in the self-focused behavior of teenagers is that they actually learn from their mistakes. Getting a D in math because their homework was not completed only happens once. Dating the wrong person is thought through, with careful attention to what exactly went wrong. The self-focus of gifted teenagers is also productive because they really don’t want to make the same mistake twice.

Giving Up

A typical annoying issue of gifted teens is the ability to just give up for whatever reason they make up in their minds. Parents hear: “I am not going to Grandma’s birthday party. There are too many old people to put up with. I am not applying to college. I know all I need to know. I will be home when I am ready.”

These poorly thought-out decisions are far too common in the teenage years. Parents are frustrated and do the best they can. Consequences of poor judgment can be very serious. Impulsivity and absolute sureness are not as prevalent in younger children. The need of teenagers to make their own decisions is positive because then they cannot blame Mom or Dad. For example, I remember that my daughter was very unhappy with her junior prom dress after she brought it home. But it was her choice and her problem to solve.

Dangerous Self-Focus

Gifted teenagers feel certain that they are the center of the universe, which revolves around them. The gifted teen, in a manner of speaking, has an imaginary audience that follows their every life action. When mistakes are made, deep shame and humiliation torture their very core self, even if no one is being critical. Explaining that everyone makes mistakes is not possible. Temper tantrums and meltdowns from early life reappear. But, as bad as teenage unhappiness can be, gifted teens do learn from their mistakes.

Conclusions

In general, gifted teenagers are even more emotionally intense than when they were younger. Parents have a difficult time getting them to be sensible. As they mature with age and experience, the ability to use common sense reappears. Parents slowly learn that they have to support their teens indirectly to be heard and listened to respectfully. Connecting common sense with your smart teen is hard to do, but it is possible if you can figure out how to make your ideas worthwhile. Smart teens present different problems to communication because they are know-it-alls. If you can accept that they drive you crazy because they want to be independent from you, your life as a parent will be easier.

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Suggestions to Achieve Balance in Your Family Life

1. Accept that at one point, everything may be all right. The next few moments, the world may be coming to an end. Stay calm and logical. Make the discussion about the seriousness of a problem.
2. Explain family rules about the use of your teen’s phone, computer, video games, the family car, school grades, and a weeknight and weekend curfew. Stick to the rules and give consequences.
3. Give your teenagers space but don’t overdo it even if they beg and plead.
4. Remember that your teens are impossible but they still need you.
5. Remember not to be reactive even if you really want to get your point across.
6. Take vacations from your teenagers. It will help everyone in the family.