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Understanding Twins
Why Twin Families Disagree and Fight So Intensely
An analysis of the roots of twin family discord.
Posted May 29, 2024 Reviewed by Monica Vilhauer
A common belief or fantasy about twin families is that twins and their families get along. The reality of twin-family disharmony is that many of these families disagree on how parenting should be handled. The adherence to certain family values and rules for behavior is much harder for twin families than non-twin families. So, “Is permissive parenting a way to provide unconditional love and healthy self-esteem? Or is permissive parenting a surefire way to raise twins who won't listen carefully to mom and dad, or to other home and school rules?”
In other words, is permissive parenting an easy way out of establishing boundaries and rules for twins? I think not. Twin families, in my experiences consulting with them, have more difficulty enforcing respect for family rules. Without a doubt, twins are a parenting challenge, in comparison to families with single-born children, because twins know how to get their own way when they are together. Simply stated, twins can and do outsmart their parents and grandparents.
“The Twins Are on Their Way”
When an upcoming twin birth is announced, how the grandparents and parents will interact becomes an issue of serious importance for many reasons. Firstly, most caregiving with young twins has to be done in close proximity to both twins, from feeding, to sleep, to attention and play. Naturally, setting limits creates stress. Also, twins can figure out how together they can sabotage both their parents and grandparents, using well thought out strategies in order to get their own way. For example, one set of grandparents says “no sugar,” and their twin grandchildren tell the other set of grandparents that they always get candy when they are at their other grandparents’ house. Fighting begins.
Unfortunately, undermining their parents’ and grandparents’ rules creates anger and distrust between both families. And, twin children enjoy creating “double trouble” for all family members, as it is a means to get their own way. Added to this ripe-with-confusion and stressful parenting responsibility is the reality that there are too many cooks in the kitchen. Mom has her definite opinion and so does Dad. Both sets of grandparents think they know best. Which authority figure is top dog? Which one is really off-base? Can an agreement about how to limit fighting be reached in order to reduce conflict?
Families with twins try to agree. The general belief that twins are a special blessing and so twins “should and will get along” contributes to even more frustration. Once anger and frustration start, it is hard to tame it. For example, Mindy and Mandy are identical twins. Their biological parents are jealous of one another and project their negative feelings on to their children. Mandy believes that her sister Mindy’s daughter, Julie, is spoiled rotten and that her own daughter, Janie, is learning to be aggressive from spending time with Julie. Mandy and her husband refuse to get together with Mindy’s family. Both sets of grandparents take their child’s side and support the decision to keep distance. The children are hurt and disappointed because they like each other and think their parents are “goofy.” They beg their grandparents for help in reducing family fighting. But no help is to be found. Family war ensues over who is the “right” parent.
Twin Wars
The outcome of “twin wars” includes temper tantrums and bad/rude behavior for the entire family. Hours and hours can be spent arguing over who got the best toy or video game, the most chocolate cake, or the best birthday outfit. I could go on and on. But use your imagination. In addition, hours can be spent on not saying the right thing. For example, never ever call your twin sister or brother fat, or dumb, or hopeless, as twins take very seriously what their twin “is” and will escalate the war.
Not all twin families fight. Once fighting starts, resolution is hard to come by.
How Can You End the Fighting?
Preparation to avoid conflicts is very important, possible, and useful. Here are some suggestions.
1. Try as hard as you can to avoid favoritism, which is very different than developing individuality in each twin. Not labeling your child's strengths or weaknesses is helpful. Labeling should be avoided, as it creates competition and discourages the twin who might perceive themselves as “less-than.”
2. While comparisons are inevitable, work as hard as you can to talk with each of your children about being an individual.
3. Be firm and clear about the negative effects of fighting.
4. Talk about why competition between twins causes fighting.
5. Teach your twins to do the best they can.
6. Protect your twins from onlookers who continually ask, “Are they twins”?
Conclusions
Remember that being a parent of twins is a very difficult responsibility. Parenting twins is very different from our cultural fantasies that twins always get along. Twins can fight a lot and spread their anger and resentment around the family as well as to each other. Separating twins helps with their development of identity and their ability to function without their twin, which is very critical.
Developing agreed-upon rules is very difficult to do but is a way to develop individuality and respect for the family. Fighting will be less intense and serious. The difficulty in curbing competition and fighting is the stone-cold reality that no one wants to give up their point of view.
