Teach Twins That They Are Different From One Another

This post is part 1 of a series.

From the moment twins are born, comparisons are obviously unavoidable. Mom, at first glance of her twin babies, says, “Look how alike they are. How will we tell them apart?” Dad says, “They are holding on to each other and JoJo looks stronger than Addie.”

Almost instantly, “Identity-by-Comparison” begins. Minimizing comparisons between your twin pair is seriously important and possible with a great deal of effort. Limiting making comparisons is one hundred percent necessary if each child is going to find their true sense of self. Try not to compare your twins from the moment they are born and continue with this plan as they grow and develop their uniqueness.

Like many other twin experts, I have written about the importance of developing a strong sense of individuality in and between twins. Comparison makes the task of instilling a sense of specialness in each child very difficult. To add more difficulty, young twins actually “like to be alike.” The mirroring aspect of having a twin is comforting and affirming, especially in childhood. Many children and adults long to have a twin who makes them feel special and complete. (And by the way, the misconception that twinship is an ideal relationship is simply untrue. Finding uniqueness as a twin is a struggle that can seem never-ending.) What follows are some ways to avoid compare-and-contrast parenting.

Hands down, parenting twins is more challenging than raising a single-born child. The “who is who” in the pair is internalized by twins. In other words, twins know what people are saying about them. No matter how direct and even militant their parents are, onlookers make “who is who” a spectacle that will affect twins negatively throughout their lives. Unknowingly and harmfully, comparisons grow out of interest and fascination with twins who look alike. Simple well-meaning comparisons can create or exacerbate resentment and competition over who is "best" or most deserving between the twins. These comparisons from strangers and close family and friends are labeled, spoken about, and acted upon throughout the lives of the twin pair. My rules to avoid comparisons follow.

Parental Rule One: React to real differences in your children.

Parents who can understand and accept the serious problems of competition based on comparisons will struggle less with the fighting and jealousy that twins can bring to school and family life. And yes, it is possible to understand how to develop strategies to reduce comparison. Comparison leads to competition and fighting between twins. The most important idea that parents have to understand is that twins are different people, whether or not they are identical. From your first interactions with each infant twin, try to detect while holding and feeding them what is unique about how they relate to you.

Establish a sense of your infants separately—as individuals—that you can grow with and help develop. For example, JoJo likes soft music and stuffed toys and Addie likes louder songs and brightly colored toys. Remember that each of your twins is a different person with different needs and (later) different expectations. See and know how your twins are different. Avoid at all costs or as much as possible labeling your twins as smart, pretty, sociable, or strong (or any other such words, because labels stick).

Do not think or say that one twin is like mom and one is like dad. These labels also stifle their identity development and prevent developing a real relationship between you and each of your children.

Parental Rule Two: Tell yourself, and ask caregivers, to avoid comparisons between your twins.

Related to Rule One is informing important caregivers and family members that you would appreciate them not comparing your children. Try to have caregivers see the differences between your children without talking about them to your twins. Ask close friends to give each child a different gift or cookie or special drink to enforce your point of view that they are different and do not need to have the same tokens of affection given to them. Choose different activities for each child that are special to only one of your twins.

Rule Three: Develop a special sense of each child’s experiences.

Take time to talk about real experiential differences between your children, and leave out similarities if you can. One trick that might be worthwhile is to write a narrative with each child about themselves: their own story. For example, JoJo’s story might start, "I am the firstborn twin. I am 10 minutes older than Addie. I like playing with my twin sister."

Addie's story could start, “My mom says I like to be close to JoJo when we go to sleep at night. I feel sad and cry when I am alone.”

As your twin children grow, add on to these personal stories or narratives that tell about different aspects of the same time in each child’s life and allow for attention to individuality. The reality that twins can and do see things in their lives differently will promote their acceptance that they are and should be different people.

Conclusions

These three rules should help you raise twins who are individuals and, hopefully, best friends. When twins know they are very different people, fighting, which leads to estrangement, will be more preventable. While raising twins is a challenging responsibility, being a twin is no walk in the park. Twins who appreciate that they are individuals will have a much easier time being twins in a non-twin world. The loneliness of feeling different than single-born individuals will be shared within the twinship and processed with compassion.