How Twins Can Make the Best of the Holidays

After living through lockdowns and covid and everything else, I believe that expectations are very high for a beautiful, perfect celebration of Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas, and Kwanzaa. But even in a normal historical period, the holidays can be hard for many people.

Twins, in particular, have special problems that are difficult for non-twins to understand. Already, twins who consult with me (ranging in age from 7 to 71) are talking about how they are anticipating seeing their twin, or what it will be like not to see their twin.

For those fortunate twins who get along, their holidays will be just “normally” stressful. All families face the hustle and obsession of when and where to meet, along with party preparation. Decisions concerning food preparation (not to mention eating it), gift-giving, and “whose house” are emotionally consuming and frustrating. Which relatives should we visit and for how long?

Unfortunately, twins can add an additional layer of anxiety to celebrations because of outspoken and unspoken jealousy and competition that is extremely difficult to resolve. Early-in-life comparisons and “wanting what your twin has” live on well into adulthood. Sharing and getting along can be done with great savvy or with uncontrollable anger. Usually, unhappiness is due to the feeling of one twin that they have been short-changed and need more of what their co-twin has. Feelings of being deprived can be about lack of love and attention or lack of consumerist stuff.

In addition, “who is the most successful twin” has a sharp edge at this time of year. Holiday time has a way of highlighting the deep challenges that twins face with each other and with the non-twin world.

Twin Interaction Patterns That Develop Around the Holidays

Not all twins are trying to prove that they are better than their womb-mate. Some twins love themselves enough to not compete with each other. Twins who can comfortably be in the same room together may still experience anxiety, feelings of awkwardness, and of not-fitting-in during holiday time. Estranged twins, in my experience, really suffer during the holidays. Although there are countless and varying reasons “fighting twins” suffer, I see three general scenarios:

1. Fighting is so intense and favoritism is so pronounced that being together is impossible for twins and their families. Bitterness and resentment cannot be put aside or contained. Passive, hidden anger or out-and-out fighting make the time together unpleasant. At best, estranged twins can sit silently to appease their parents. At worst, estranged twins can spread generously their rude and mean-spirited feelings. Guests may be horrified by the outrageous behavior of estranged twins, while the twins themselves are unaware of anything except convincing their twin that they are right. Once a twin fight begins nothing seems to matter but winning.
2. When twins are extremely distant from one another and they decide they cannot be together, they will suffer the bitterness of loneliness. A sense of loss is extremely prevalent and painful when the decision is made to not get together with your twin. Celebrations alone can be depressing and twins wait for the holiday time to pass quickly.
3. Twinless twins may relive the actual loss of their twin in an emotional way. Even when they make exact and precise plans “to get through” the holidays they feel grief that their twin is no longer with them. Because of a general lack of understanding about the pain of twin loss, twinless twins feel misunderstood by non-twins and angry that they have no other choice than to be without their sister or brother.

Ways to Combat Holiday Disappointments and Misunderstandings

Coping with holiday cheer or disruptions requires an action plan. Here are some suggestions to have a happier holiday:

1. Twins who look back on their previous holiday twin history will have clues that point out what works and what does not work. Please do not re-try plans that already failed. It is a waste of time with no hope for a different result.
2. Limit the time you will be together because this will reduce fighting possibilities.
3. Find a neutral place to meet and eat that does not favor one of the twins.
4. Make sure that both twins want to try to get along. Be on the same page.
5. Talk with your twin about how you might get along.
6. Make your own plan to protect yourself. In other words, be prepared to leave quickly if necessary for self-preservation.
7. Find friends and relatives who can help if arguments start.
8. Remember, tomorrow is another day.
9. Not all twins get along and that is perfectly okay and understandable.
10. Make your plans simple to avoid the hassle of complications with food and presents.
11. Be on time to respect the host and other guests.

Positively Directed Conclusions

You can get along with your twin if you are positive and keep trying. If you cannot get along, don’t be ashamed of yourself. Be happy with what is happening and avoid thinking that your party needs to go down in history as the best party ever. “Hallmark” fantasies about good times are hard to bring to fruition.