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Understanding Twins
Toxic Twin Comparisons
Can these questions and comments be avoided?
Posted May 16, 2022 Reviewed by Gary Drevitch
Comparison and competition are inevitable for twins. "Born-married" twins measure themselves against each other non-verbally or by crying before they can talk or fight. In actuality, comparing yourself to your twin is a part of the formation of twin identity and individual identity. But enlightened parents, grandparents, teachers, and caregivers try to protect their children from close others’ and outsiders’ curiosity about how their twin children are similar or different from one another.
Unfortunately, controlling comparative questions is very difficult and these types of questions pop up throughout their lives. Wonder about identical aspects between twins promotes competition between them and contributes to making twins feel inadequate and that they are odd.
Toxic Comparison
I have a very clear 2022 example of the toxicity of comparisons. Just recently, in my senior years, I was invited to an art show given by a family member. My sister was also invited with her daughter. I was shocked that my relatives believed we would show up in public together knowing that we do not get along very well.
My sister, who never agrees with me no matter what, agreed that we should not show up together. I was relieved that she did not want to go with me. Upon thinking about this invitation, my mind started to race through all the times we had been compared. My heart and mind experienced deep fear of feeling overwhelmed, as well as anger and inadequacy.
I realized in time (before it happened) that I could not go through this intrusive type of “lookie-loo” spectacle again. I thought to myself, Now we are older women who can and should decline the invitation to subject ourselves to obnoxious questions and feeling humiliated. And we did not attend.
This recent experience inspired me to share my own knowledge and feelings about the personal unhappiness that twins are subjected to when the curiosity of others humiliates them. I am 100% sure that all twins are taken back and confused by questions about similarities and differences. I know that I have taken outsiders’ and close others’ comments about my twin identity as very hurtful to my positive sense of self. For example, I was 30 years old when friends still asked with great enthusiasm, “How is Marjorie?” I wanted to say, “What about me?”
But I never was that rude or self-serving. I was also more than 30 years old the first time an acquaintance asked me how I was doing. This question, focused only on my well-being, was a shocking miracle. I am very happy to share my triumph. I wondered, Was I acting/behaving more independent than usual?
Guilt About Not Wanting to Be a Twin
There were other consequences to “toxic comparisons.” Of course I felt bad about myself when friends and acquaintances reported that they saw my sister and said, “She looked so much thinner than you,” or “Saw your sister yesterday at the mall. She looks horrible. Seeing her so tired and poorly dressed, just shuffling along, made me wonder what is wrong and if you are worried about her?”
I definitely felt guilty and inadequate. She needed me, the "fat twin," to help her get herself on a healthy track. I could go on and on about my own personal issues with comparison, which are frankly just boring for non-twins. However, I encourage twins to think about the guilt you feel about not being able to help your twin. Where does your responsibility end when your twin is in trouble one way or another?
Comparison questions are totally real for twins and painfully destructive to the development of individuality. In some ways, comparative questions are confusing and, yes, they affect twins of all ages. Young twins often like the attention of onlookers. But casual curiosity about their twin identity can limit the growing child’s ability to learn how to be themselves with other people. As twins get older and strive for individuality, attention to their similarities can be frustrating and the cause of fighting. Adult twins have different experiences when they are compared depending on how individualized and communicative they are in their maturity. I have never liked comparison questions myself. In old age, intrusive questions about a twin who has passed are very painful and uncalled for.
Individuality and Communication
When twins have a clear sense of themselves as individuals and as twins their interpersonal relationships in the twinship and outside of the twinship will be stronger and less conflicted. Parents, siblings, relatives, teachers and curiosity seekers: Keep your questions or comments to yourself because comparative questions are truly toxic to the development of twin identity and the maintenance of the twin attachment.
It is a challenge to be a twin because developing a really separate identity from a twin is very, very hard to accomplish. And healthy twinship is also a gift of deep understanding and positive encouragement that is supportive and healing. The next time you see twins together, respect their challenges of becoming separate people. Forget the well-known fantasy that being a twin is an ideal way to have a best friend close at hand.
Conclusions
On so many different levels, some that can be seen and some that are hidden under the surface, comparison breeds negative self-esteem and insecurity for twins. Learning to not compare themselves to one another is a chore that is hard to do, but worthwhile in every sense of the word. Twins who know that they are different from their sister or brother will have a more fulfilling life. The role of parents and teachers should be to help twins accept their differences and embrace how they are each unique. Sharing is natural but individuality is a life-saving remedy for twin happiness.
