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“My sister's friends treat me like a freak. They blackballed me from their club and invited my twin.”
“My twin has turned our friends from childhood against me. I am devastated. Can you help me?”
The Hazards of Sharing Friends
Sharing friends is a serious social-emotional identity issue for twins that begins in early childhood. This seemingly simple issue to resolve can lead to fighting and disappointments for twins and their families, and even impact social events such as family holidays and weddings throughout their lives. Like toys, food, and parental attention, friends represent a very serious and important aspect of life that twins can compete over and fight about relentlessly.
When parents deal with the competition about which friend belongs to which twin they are helping their children develop a clear identity—a sense of boundaries that not everything in a sibling’s life can or should be shared. Boundaries about friendships teach twins that they are different and not interchangeable. This critical lesson is invaluable and should be worked on as early as possible.
The usually non-examined sharing of friends and even relatives can create deep and distorted identity confusion and labeling for each twin in the pair. A simple but telling example: “Twin Anna is shy and twin Benni is outgoing.” This difference that friends and family agree upon becomes a personality characteristic to gossip about openly, even though such a distinction is often superficial and untrue in almost all situations, and both twins are hurt by being labeled and misunderstood.
From my own life I share this tidbit: I was regarded as the sensitive twin. My sister was regarded as the outspoken twin. This sense of identity based on our parents’, brother’s, and outsiders’ impressions became a long-lasting part of who we were as we grew into adulthood. My sister became a successful professor as she was able to speak in front of groups with no anxiety. I was terrified of speaking in front of a group. I used my sensitivity to help people understand their emotional turmoil. How we were treated in some ways determined our identity as we grew into adulthood. We both struggled to be only “ourselves” instead of “the twins.”
Social Identity Development in Twins
Social identity development in twins is very complicated. Sharing, including of friends, is the natural inclination for twins, but still often results in fighting and endorses the idea that twins are copies of one another. In reality, twins both identical and fraternal are from birth different from one another, and they should be treated uniquely. Inevitable identity confusion is made worse when differences in twin friend choices are ignored, or accepted as not being of any consequence. Individuals who have twins in their lives, and twins themselves, have probably experienced twin identity confusion over a friend in one way or another.
For example, one twin told me, “My brother is a famous stockbroker and the friends we share think that is how I make my living. But I am not interested in finance and feel annoyed that people cannot understand how different we are. I am an artist. Ironically and sadly, our next-door neighbors are twins and they don't mind being mistaken for one another.”
In my experiences talking with twins I have noted that between a pair, the twin who has the “best” friends or is favored by their parents is the “more valuable” twin. The favored twin has the power to influence and make final decisions for the pair concerning, for example, what social activities happen next. When friends are shared, the twin “in power” gets more influence and the supposedly subservient twin loses credibility and value when decision-making is necessary. I often ask myself when I see twins fighting over a friend, “Are they fighting to be the decision-maker or to have fun stirring things up?” Why is compromise so hard?
Many people, including twins themselves, would not consider my theories on sharing friends to be reliable. I believe that making friends for twins is truly a crucial determinant of social identity formation. Sharing friends should have some reasonable limits for everyone involved. In other words, some friends can be shared, but not all friends. Parents need to help set rules for sharing friends, and tread cautiously when friend sharing gets out of control.
Painful Feelings from Social Twin Favoritism
I have listened to a lot of twins who have been or are being hurt because their twin has a friend that they don't have or can't share. The twin who stays home is the lonely one who feels like they are missing out. Or, the favored twin thinks they are free to do whatever they want because they are the “best" or "most popular.”
Often, one twin becomes the outgoing twin and the other the shy twin. Or one twin is better at solving other people’s anger issues and will take care of their twin’s social problems by arguing back or making negotiations. When one twin covers for their brother or sister, the shy twin will become inhibited and not learn to problem-solve in social situations. The popular twin only feels guilty.
Acknowledge the Problems That Develop
Sharing friends creates disruptions in developing a distinct sense of identity and social skill development. When the dependent twin and the independent twin work together as a pair or as one, they are sure of themselves. They have each other to turn to and each twin does not need to make their own decision. Twins who are dependent on each other have problems working alone without their twin advisor. This dependence leaves both at a disadvantage.
Parents, teachers, and close relatives such as grandparents, aunts, and uncles need to help each twin make their own friendships and their own decisions. While careful attention to making sure that each twin is doing their own work finding friends is hard and time-consuming, the process is worthwhile. Holiday dinners, birthday parties, graduations, and weddings will be less conflicted and more meaningful if twins give up wanting to have the same friendships that their twin has. The decision of who is your best friend or husband-to-be belongs to only one twin. Sharing close significant others can create serious anger and resentment when social decisions come to the forefront.
Conclusions
Identity development is a serious parental challenge that involves friendships. Parents and other adults need to help diffuse the preference of some twins to share friends. When limits are set that one twin cannot take over their sister’s or brother’s friend relationships, less friction, fighting, anger, and resentment will be the result. These limits are necessary.
Being friendly with your twin’s friends does not necessarily constitute “sharing” the friendship. Socially civilized behavior is necessary when other children or adults participate in twin relationships. In other words, being rude to your twin’s friend is never acceptable.
My best advice is to allow as many opportunities as possible for non-shared friendships to develop. Talk to your twins openly about how fighting over friends is hurtful and confusing to their friends and to their own twin relationship.
