The Legacy of Twinship: Raveling and Unraveling Identity

The legacy of twinship is profound, complicated, and enduring throughout life. What follows is my sense of the twin legacy and the reflections of twins who have shared their life stories with me.

Legacy 1: Once a Twin Always a Twin

The relationship between twins evolves from the closeness that they shared in the womb and a childhood spent together. Twin identity grows into a dynamic relationship that reflects two individual identities that have shared features and different features.

I conceptualize twins as having two parts to their overall identity. Observable first is the twin identity that is shared and includes input from parents, the home environment, memories, and activities. The bond formed by twin identity is what endures consciously and unconsciously throughout the lifespan. Twin identity creates deep harmony and affirmation as well as conflicts between twins. Fighting begins when sharing—which includes feelings, toys, clothes, parents, and friends—is not possible. While the intensity of fighting is remarkable in childhood, later-in-life fighting can be very hard to control, as well as being physically and verbally abusive.

The second aspect of twin personality is individuality. Individual identity in twins is also ever-present but less apparent to the more distant observer in infancy. Parents and others who are close see, for example, that one twin smiles more and or is more active. As twins grow they become more unique, which breeds competition and comparisons and fighting. For example: Who is getting more attention from mom? Who is getting more cookies?

Legacy 2: Twins Measure Themselves Against One Another

While single-born infants do not have a similar child to compare themselves to, twins do have someone who is almost a copy of themselves, especially in infancy. Anxiety about being alone in early life because of separation necessities creates deep insecurity, which is later in life translated into being the same as or very similar to the co-twin. The twin’s need to be similar to feel secure plays itself out throughout the lifespan in different ways that create conflict between twins. Similarities and differences between twins create calm or conflict and evolve from the twin identity and individual identity.

Legacy 3: Loneliness

While it is natural for all individuals to experience missing close family and friends, twins have more painful feelings regarding the absence of the co-twin or others such as spouses and children and close friends. My own experiences of missing others and feeling lonely have been profound and at first not understandable. As I have talked with other twins I have learned the common problem that loneliness presents for twins and the side effects that loneliness creates. Loneliness creates motivation to find others who are close or passions that satisfy their need for intense interactions.

Legacy 4: Understanding, Motivation, and Inspiration to Move Ahead

Twin closeness is a special gift that can make life easier for twins if they are not in conflict. Because understanding and the ability to empathize are so natural, twins gain a distinctly precious gift of understanding. Often talking in shorthand to your twin allows the co-twin to continue with their passions or relationship issues. This closeness can prevent twins from reaching out to other people who may appear distant or unable to understand with such great clarity and immediacy as their twin.

Legacy 5: Companionship and Friendship

Always being together or being together a great deal of the time and having the attention of one another is natural for twins. Twin togetherness also makes expectations for others very difficult to attain. Learning to be a twin in a non-twin world is a very steep learning curve, which needs to be taught by parents and through social experiences.

Legacy 6: Affirmation and Judgment of Social-Emotional Needs

Twins naturally affirm each other’s need for attention because they see themselves in one another. Alongside affirmation comes the judgment of how your twin is doing. Affirmation and judgment contribute to competition and comparisons, which are also made worse by outsiders who ask comparative questions. Who is smarter, who is taller? Who is older?

Legacy 7: Competition

Competition between twins begins very early in life and needs to be addressed by parents. Showing twins how they are different and treating them as individuals will help reduce competition. Or teaching twins to use their competitive nature to achieve their life goals is another useful strategy.

Understanding Twins Essential Reads

The Unique Development of Twin Language

How Parental Indifference Affects the Twin Bond

Legacy 8: Fighting Is Normal and Also Pathological for Twins

In a good way, fighting establishes differences between twins and promotes individuality. Fighting that is out of hand and unsupervised in childhood has dangerous outcomes that are often traumatic for twins in the long run. Parents and teachers should monitor fighting and use physical separation to diminish the intensity that has been created. Teaching twins that they can communicate about what is bothering them is critical to their long-range relationship later in life.

Legacy 9: Not All Twins Have Harmonious Relationships

The ability to get along with your twin is dependent on the quality of parenting you received and your educational experiences. Twins will not just “get along” and twinship will not be an ideal relationship unless fighting is put into perspective in childhood and throughout the lifespan.

Legacy 10: Twin Estrangement Is Not Uncommon

While it is uncomfortable for twins to admit they are estranged, it is more common than you may imagine. The estrangement between twins is related to the abusive aspects of childhood twin experiences or permissive or negligent parenting. Estrangement can be diminished if twins understand and respect each other. Twins can have healing identity experiences by supporting one another.

The ideas presented in this post are based on what I have learned from conducting educational support groups for twins who are having difficulty getting along and really miss their twin closeness. Groups are composed of only one member of the twin pair.