A New Friend Can Lead to Lost Twin Closeness

Not always, but fairly often, a special friendship or love interest develops in the teenage years for one twin that creates uncomfortable feelings for both twins. The twin in love or very attached to a girlfriend or boyfriend starts to ignore his or her twin. While this new relationship may be a relief for both members of the pair, as it allows for the development of individuality and freedom to make singular choices, it is also sad and disheartening for the twin who is left behind.

Unfortunately, even more messy and confusing conflicts can happen again when twins get married or involved with life-long relationships. Twins disagree and fight over how to handle the “New Person.” Everyone in the immediate family, friends, and neighbors share their opinions, but a resolution to anger and resentment is hard to find. This serious problem can easily lead to twin estrangement and serious family stress.

Why does conflict occur?

I know about this deep sense of loss (over new friends who are not shared) for two reasons. Firstly, I have lived through replacing my twin and feeling extremely guilty. What was worse was the confusion of being replaced by my twin. And secondly, because twins reach out to me for advice on how to handle not talking to their sister or brother, I hear the deep pain that is felt when twins feel abandoned by their co-twin.

For example, Terry calls me and says, “My sister Jean is always with John, her new boyfriend. It feels like John lives in our house. I have no time with Jean to talk or walk or share a milkshake or donut. I try talking to my sister and to her boyfriend, but they dismiss my feelings as unimportant, over-reactive, and not normal.”

Terry wants to know why this is happening and what she should do about it. Here is my answer to why she feels so ignored. Twin closeness is very deep, based on an early connection before birth. The inter-relationship that twins share is so much closer than the bond that siblings share. So when a twin feels like second fiddle or second best, their reaction can be very intense and deeply confusing.

On the other hand, the co-twin may feel guilty for finding a twin replacement but certainly not as upset as the twin who is left behind. And let me say here, there exist all kinds of reactions to being replaced by your twin or replacing your twin.

Twin replacements

I myself always felt predictably happy that I had a new friendship to focus on, think about, and try new experiences with. My twin felt ignored and teased me about my one-track mind about Paul. Fortunately, she found her own friend, and the conflict subsided. But my twin replacement suffering never seems to go away entirely. It will fade into the distance and reappear as loneliness.

Of course, romantic interests have aspects of twin replacements. Children and husbands are also very common twin replacements that can create entanglements that threaten the twin bond. For example, Joann’s daughter becomes a twin replacement, which makes Joann’s twin sister feel left out. Or Rene is engaged, but her twin Rhoda cannot bear the thought of her sister getting married. She finds fault in her sister’s choice of fiancé and refuses to attend the wedding. Family and friends work to bring Rhoda to the wedding, but Rhoda stays home.

Unfortunately, oftentimes the conflict over who is most important and in need of attention cannot be resolved and goes on and on. Mom and dad, sister and brother, grandparents, and aunts and uncles may chime in with their opinion and advice for the unhappy, self-righteous twin pair. And for absolute certain, the twin replacement has issues with their competitor. For example, Paul finds my sister impossible, and my sister cannot tolerate his way of seeing the world. So what begins as a simple sense of being neglected can turn into an intense family argument or a remarkable dilemma, which can last many years.

Understanding and acceptance of twin replacements

Sad, but oh-so-true, deep allegiance and then betrayal are negative aspects of the twin bond that will affect twins and close others—parents, spouses, siblings, and friends. Twin replacement, which is normal and necessary, is an example of what can become a living nightmare if mismanaged—a negative and unfortunate aspect of the twin bond. In my own life, my sister left me alone and went with her new husband to Sweden when we were 21. I was faced with missing her seriously and feeling lost.

Understanding Twins Essential Reads

The Unique Development of Twin Language

How Parental Indifference Affects the Twin Bond

Being replaced was at times torture, pure torture. I had no one who could understand me and no one to help me. I felt totally alone and abandoned. Had we planned for being separated, it might have helped. But no serious conversations took place, which left both of us at a loss for emotional and social support. We had to develop a resilience to the pain that was very, very hard won.

Over time and with communication, new friends, love interests, and children can be accepted by the twin pair. But let me say very clearly that merging love interests between twins is a hard problem to solve. Outsiders to the twin relationship can provoke anger and disappointment between twins. Love lost is the most difficult problem that I have tried to work through with twins who consult me for help getting along in a civilized day-to-day way or getting along at parties and events with their sister or brother.

A thought on the resolution of anger and disappointment over lost twin love

Rather than pretending that nothing is wrong, understanding and accepting the tension between you and your twin and all members of the family is very important. Remember that individuals see events differently and that different points of view are valuable and normal. Giving up fighting and giving up the need to be correct is absolutely necessary if you want to rekindle a compassionate relationship with your twin. Here are some strategies to try:

1. Talk with your twin about your new relationship.
2. Listen to what your twin has to say, but also follow your heart.
3. Imagine with your twin how it will feel to be separated because of a friend or love interest.
4. Plan hands-on ways to connect privately with your twin.
5. Discuss how you are feeling about your relationship with your brother or sister with other people who are close and empathic. Therapists are often very helpful in establishing boundaries about who needs to do what. For example, is it necessary to apologize?

In conclusion, while absolutely necessary, non-twins who become important to one member of the twin pair can threaten that twin bond as well as enrich or better the twins’ attachment. Careful attention to this issue by parents and twins is critical because it can avoid later estrangement between twins.