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Key points
- Individuality is important to highlight when raising twins, but comparison is an unfortunate part of twin life.
- Admitting jealousy can be difficult for twins. They may hide their feelings and act them out in different ways, such as avoiding family events.
- Tips for dealing with twin jealousy include considering the consequences for one's family and seeking therapy to improve communication.
“Of course twins are jealous of one another,” I say to myself and to everyone who talks to me about twin relationships. And jealousy is really logical. When you look at twins or pictures of twins, you compare what you see, which immediately creates the foundation for jealousy.
For example, I know a set of beautiful curly-haired twins. Ann is dressed in jeans and a T-shirt very much like her sister, Bee, but she has accessorized with fabrics and scarves from her travels to Mexico, Costa Rica and Machu Picchu, while Bee likes to camp with her dog in the state park.
I wonder if Bee is jealous of her sister. I ask her because I know them very well, well enough to pry: “Are you jealous that your sister has more expensive vacations than you have?”
Bee replies: “No, I am not jealous. Ann loves to fly but we both like to hike.”
I am surprised by Bee's answer. I say to myself, “If my twin sister had more scarves than me, and went on exotic holidays, I would be very jealous of her and try to find a way of coaxing her to share. Or take me along.”
But would I say, “I am jealous of you”? No way.
The Twin Jealousy Dilemma
Admitting jealousy is a way of admitting defeat in the mindset of my twin world. And here is the dilemma with jealousy for twins. If you openly admit that you want what your twin has, you are giving up some of your power to make your own decisions and marginalizing your identity. In psychological terms, jealousy indicates that you are engaging in twin enmeshed behavior or compromising your ego boundaries.
The latest parenting advice “screams” (strongly advocates) for individuality when raising twins. Unfortunately, the importance of individuality can be forgotten when too much comparison and competition are center-stage in the lives of twins. Parents, relatives, spouses, and teachers, to name a few, have told twins: “You are different than your twin and you should be proud that you are able to make your own decisions.”
While this often-spoken statement is true, it is hard to hear and harder to hold onto in an emotional sense. All of the twins I have talked to throughout my life would likely agree with my opinion that comparison is a part of twin life, no matter what. It is hard to be different from (and it is hard to be compared to) your twin, even if you were brought up by enlightened parents, relatives and teachers.
Jealousy Is Based on Twin Differences
I have written and spoken of the importance of separation and individuality in twins incessantly, because endorsing differences between twins will lessen the impact of comparison and jealousy.
Unfortunately, more twins than you might imagine don't want to admit jealousy and hide their resentful feelings, which are acted out in different ways, such as avoiding family parties and important career events.
Dangerous and alarming jealousy is based on wanting a deep relationship with your co-twin’s boyfriend or girlfriend. Usually, this crisis begins calmly and with good intentions. Twin Kathi wants her sister Dotty to get along with her new boyfriend John. And Dotty makes friends with John because he is so kind and thoughtful and fun to be with. But the relationship goes too far and a sexual component develops, which if it ripens further can cause problems for everyone involved.
Competition over who is the best girlfriend material, Kathi or Dotty, can really get out of control. Bitterness, resentment, and alienation take over the twin relationship. Jealousy over who gets the romantic partner is way too intense and dangerous. Competing for boyfriends is a no-win situation.
The opposite problem appears when boyfriends or husbands cannot get along with their partner’s twin. For example, Joe dislikes his girlfriend’s twin, Jessica, for various reasons, and vice versa; Jessica does not like her twin's boyfriend. Harmony is hard to achieve because of unspoken jealousy. From another perspective, one twin wants what their co-twin has and does not realize what a mess this makes for the co-twin's partner.
Your twin may want you to get along with her boyfriend, but your boyfriend may not be interested. The only person in this scenario who asks for a halt is the boyfriend, parent, or therapist. Jealousy and competition between twins in these situations will lead to unhappy endings for all.
Wanting What Your Twin Has Can Lead to Deep Unhappiness
Jealousy, or wanting what your twin has, be it a perfect physical appearance, fame, relationships, education, money or children, creates deep schisms between twins. Competing for love and attention begins at birth and evolves into power struggles in early childhood and on and on throughout life.
On some deep level, individual identity develops because of this tricky jealousy-based dynamic. Twin identity is often in conflict with individual identity. Valuing what you have for yourself is the best medicine for jealousy. Learn that you can enjoy your twin’s success without having to own it directly. Being proud of your twin instead of wanting to have what they have will help build a substantial relationship as you grow older. Remember that twins are different people and what will suit one member of the pair will not work for the other.
Some Advice
- Try to decide if the consequences of your jealousy are more important than your relationship with your twin.
- Realize that extended and nuclear family are affected by your jealousy and fighting.
- Go over in your mind the positive side effects of sharing and caring. Try to take positive steps toward getting along.
- Psychotherapy that will lead to better communication with your twin is a positive step.
- Self-understanding and insight are necessary for the best results.
To find a therapist, please visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
